Monday, September 27, 2010

Routine and I don't get along.

Why is it so incredibly difficult to stick with a routine? I guess we are all creatures of habit, and my habit is that I do every day differently. I like that. However, it may no longer be healthy for me. So where does that leave me? Not in a good place.

I found out that becoming a Nia instructor is quite costly, so that's out for a while. There is a Zumba Basics 1 class - in Charleston - that I could take, but I don't know how that would go over. I think that needs to be a goal for next year, seeing as I have very limited funds. The truth is that I will have even more limited funds next year, but we will cross that bridge as it ices over.

I took a vacation and gained a bunch of weight. I felt really horrible most of the trip because I wasn't making the right choices that are best for my body. It's strange/awesome how I've learned a lot about listening to what your body tells you and taking some sort of initiative toward correcting what may be upsetting it. The Deep South is full of fried food and other stuff that isn't very good for you, so I had my share of battered and ugly for a while. I had some major damage control upon my return, and a trainer to kick my ass back into "shape."

So, I really love Erin - for many reasons. I knew what I had done on vacation and how it was going to effect me. I asked her if she was mad and she said she wasn't, but that I should be mad at myself. After that, I really was angry with myself, but glad that she said that and didn't blatantly point fingers. Her gentle honesty really put things into perspective for me. It's amazing how easily I can lose sight of that.

One thing that Erin tells me that I try so hard to remember every time I'm in a situation is that the bad things are like poison for my body. She also says that one day I can have that stuff on special occasions, but that I should limit my intake for now. It's difficult to hear that when you have a sweet tooth as big as mine, but it's very important advice for the future.

I'm hopeful. I keep giving this a shot, and I think as long as I keep trying that that's what matters the most. It's easier to give up, to be honest, but I am actually tired of giving up. I want this healthy routine. I have a future that I want to be brighter than ever, and the decisions I make today - and every day - are going to secure that.

Something I've been doing more often now is visualizing the future. I want to see a happy, healthy me who doesn't have to contend with back pain when there are little ones running around. I want to see an organized me. I want to see an even more creative me because all of these other things are in place. I want to see an inspired clientele, a thriving business, a warm, healthy home, and friends who don't worry about me. (I think I've given everyone a heart attack lately about different things. It's not intentional, but I have issues that pile up that make the people I love the most really nervous.)

So, I'm trying to do an overhaul of everything. I am cleaning out a lot of clutter to do some emotional purging because I've been watching "Hoarders" and "Hoarding: Buried Alive," and I identify with a lot of the people on these shows. I have always just accumulated - stuff, friends, pounds, love, etc. - and I think there's a lot of good when you stop accumulating and, in some cases, start giving things away. I've given a lot of stuff to my friend Becky and to Goodwill to give myself more room to breathe. I've cut some ties with friends recently because they were poisonous relationships. I've gotten over past relationships because the things I held onto were, again, poisonous for my future relationships. I've been losing weight because the extra weight is contributing to a disease I am on the verge of having. I've been giving away more love instead of hoarding it because, well, it's just the right thing to do.

My hopes are that I will engage in a healthy routine to get me through the next 24 years of life and beyond. I want to make friends with this concept and let it carry me, relying on it and not allowing myself to give into the pressures of the world around me that can so easily taunt me into eating the forbidden fruits. I need to take it one day at a time. I really believe that I will get there.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

New Commitments

I have a trainer named Erin who is my personal Jillian Michaels. She's pretty amazing. She has a big heart and she's very encouraging, but I know she won't cut me any slack. That's actually really nice. I don't need slack. I've had enough slack. I'm done with slack.

Erin and I meet twice a week. I'll admit I've given her some excuses, but I'm pretty straightforward with her as she is to me. I trust her. She trusts me. I need to really trust myself now.

That said, there are some things I feel I should update on are some commitments I really want to make to myself for my health that I can refer back to when times get a little tough or busy or what have you. Excuses, excuses - screw those. I rely on that way too often. I think it's time for me to grow up, and I'm realizing that I can still have fun while doing that. I just have to make the right choices. Here we go.

+I am committing to choose one day a week where I allow myself to have whatever I want to eat.
+I am committing to have fitness goals once every quarter. (Upcoming: Warrior Dash.)
+I am committing to take necessary steps to start the process of becoming a Nia instructor by September 15.
+I am committing to take dancing lessons in the Fall. (Salsa, swing, belly dancing - we'll see!)
+I am committing to not become obsessed with the number I see on the scale but rather celebrate the way my body feels when I move and treat it properly.

On my birthday, I hope to have lost 5 inches from my waist. Doing this means that my risk for heart attack is decreased significantly and I will be 2 inches away from being at a healthy waist measurement. Hopefully, those 2 inches will follow quickly. I'm counting on it.

Also, let's not forget that my brothers and I have a bet at Christmas. I'm getting nervous about that, but maybe that's something I need. I hope I win. God knows I could totally use the money! Oh, and for those who don't know, I got 3rd place in my Biggest Loser Challenge with my friends. $100 went straight to groceries - the healthy kind, of course.

So... here's to my life. You know, in saying all of this, I'm asserting that my life is my own. It's important to take ownership of something that can affect others. Let's do this.

Friday, January 22, 2010

break ups are bad for the diet

well, my friends gave me cupcakes after my break up. i'm glad i didn't eat the whole box - instead, just a few. it's hard to reprogram your life away from stress eating and channeling it into exercise. i've realized that exercise's release of endorphins is something i look forward to in this time of need.

i've kept off 12 lbs. successfully, so i'm feeling good about that. i'm counting the small things as victories, too. i also rode my bike for 15 min. yesterday! (don't tell mom about bike!) today, i'm shooting for 30, and i don't think i'll be taking any hills... my apartment complex people may laugh at me for going around the square too many times, but at least i'm getting somewhere, right? (haha i wouldn't literally be getting anywhere, which is ironically funny.)

through all of this, i'm still proud of myself, and that is pushing me to continue doing what i've been doing. it's hard, but i knew that going into this. i just know that this will be one incredible story in the end.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

15 is a good number to get excited about.

The updated count is 15 lbs. Not too shabby! I feel a lot better than before the holidays and I've been making some better choices all around to help with just dealing with life.

There was an instance this week that had me a little down. Someone from my past who was continually a jerk to me showed to me, again, just how heartless and hurtful he can be. It threw me off track as far as a mental state is concerned. I let him get to me, and in turn, started focusing on other negative things that didn't need attention. Needless to say, this week has had much unneeded frustration, but I've actually started channeling that into exercise! So, yay for me! I would get frustrated about something and then do the elliptical for at least 20 minutes. If it was really aggravating, I would push it up to 25 minutes. It's amazing how fast time goes when you're completely pissed off and you're sweating it out.

That's all I have to say about this past week. Hopefully, my friend will help me put my bike together today or tomorrow! We have big plans for cycling around the South side. Pretty exciting! (Don't tell my mom!)

Friday, January 8, 2010

It's easy? That's weird.

I feel like I've finally come to the point where this "dieting" - rather, lifestyle change - feels kind of easy. I've read the South Beach Diet a few times, and this last time, I feel like something finally snapped and it almost seems natural.

I guess a big part of that is accepting the fact that this is going to be the rest of my life. That means, in a nutshell, I will have relatively the same eating habits for 60+ years. That's a really, really long time, and instead of looking at it like "God, do I really have to conform to the same foods for 60 years?!" (which isn't completely true) I look at it like "Hey, I'll get to run around with my grandchildren in 60 years instead of having my limbs removed from bad circulation from diabetes!" Granted, my case is a lot worse than some of my family members. It seems that when I got passed down the wonderful genes, it was saturated and therefore about 2 times the evil than for anyone else. And that's fine. It's a challenge! I love challenges, and this one I can overcome. I might even write a book about it one day. (I've been on an "I'm gonna write a book!" kick lately.)

Yesterday, I went to the doctor. They weighed me on the first visit, which was sometime this Summer. It was 250. I knew it was probably in that range, which is why weighing at the doctor during the holidays was sooo much *fun* (especially seeing her push it to 262). They weighed me yesterday at 251 (with clothes on), and the nurse was actually proud of me. (Same nurse who was kind of hitting on me one time... and shortly after started wearing a wedding band... Yeah.) It felt good to only have gained 1 lb, when I know in reality I gained a lot and lost a lot. It's just a really great feeling.

Pretty much my whole family is on a diet. I'm not sure how some of the diets will work out in the long run, but I am really encouraged that all of us are trying so hard to be healthy. This is probably the first time we've actually talked a bit more about exercise, too, and that's the part that makes me really pumped up about all of this. We have come to know ourselves as a sedentary eaters. We've more or less defined ourselves as such, which is so unhealthy, safe to say. I just get so excited that at least 9 of us have fairly recently made the commitment to take care of ourselves, and we are doing it together. Yes, some of us are on a bet, but it still works out that we are doing it together and that we talk about it. My cousin Austin just called me not too long ago to congratulate me on losing 12 lbs.! She has lost the same amount, and I am really proud of both of us. Another thing I'm really enjoying is our ability to be open and vulnerable with each other. We are posting our weight on the Facebook group, and weight is such a taboo thing to share. I'm just really happy for us. I truly hope this continues. It will be interesting to see how different holiday meals will be for us this upcoming year!

So, 13 lbs. down, 7 lbs. to go for my first mini goal, and 58 lbs. to go for my main goal. Feelin' good in the neighborhood! :)

Sunday, January 3, 2010

A week later, I feel AMAZING!

I weighed at my doctor's about 2 weeks ago. It was 262. Today, I'm 253, so that's 9 lbs. lighter and I feel great already! My body doesn't ache nearly as much as it used to, and I've only lost 9 lbs. That's just crazy! But it's great. And I'll continue to do it.

I haven't done as much exercise since I've gotten back as I planned on doing, but that isn't an "I give up" thing, it's an "I'll do better" thing instead. I went bike shopping yesterday, and I may get one Monday or Tuesday, depending on a few factors, but definitely this week.

Something I found interesting yesterday was how easy it was to ride! I tried to ride the shitty bike Jason let me borrow (it's from Wal-mart and it's absolutely horrible) and I had a really tough time riding it. When I test rode some new bikes yesterday, they were SO EASY to ride! It was amazing the difference a good bike can make. I'm pretty excited about this new addition to my life. I think it will be really great for not only myself but also the environment. I live in an area that has so many wonderful things, and whenever I drive to them, it makes me feel not just lazy but very inconsiderate because I live so close yet I use my car to get there. I'm excited about the bike.

I'm excited about life. This is going to be good!

Another thing I think is really cool is that I'm trying all of these new dishes at restaurants I either have loved for a long time or have never been to before, and I gotta say, it has surely opened my eyes. I didn't realize the fish fajita at Polvo's would be THAT good, but it was incredible! I'm getting surprises every time I go out, and I definitely love surprises, especially those regarding food. (Food is just so great.) So, instead of feeling deprived, I feel adventurous, and that's something I am really having fun with.

Oh, and there's a bet going on. I had the idea to challenge my older brothers (we all love a good competition) to a weight loss competition, and I did this for 2 reasons: to help myself keep my healthy habits ongoing for more than 3 months and to have the support of someone else trying really hard with me. My brother, Chris, got his wife, Kristy, and her mom in on it, too, so now whoever wins the pot gets $800. The goal is to lose the most BMI/be the healthiest by Christmas 2010. I've already started and I'm doing really well. Chris and the gang start Monday, and I don't know when Reid starts, but what matters here is that we are doing something really great for ourselves together. Maybe one day, Owen and Evan can look back on what we've done and have a greater sense of family and what it takes to take care of ourselves while taking care of each other. In turn, hopefully, they can take notes and learn from our mistakes so they don't end up like the rest of America - fat, lazy, and full of health problems (there's more wrong with America, but I'll just touch on those things for the sake of argument).

Today sparks week 2 of my "lifestyle change," and I've gotten so much support from everyone that it is unbelievable. I've come to find that the people who love you want to see you succeed and they will do all they can to help you along the way. The truth is, however, that it's up to the individual to make the ultimate decision. I believe in myself and my capabilities. I've been entrusted with some really great things for my life, and I will fight to see them through - especially this part. My friend Courtney says, "2010, in for the win!" and I can't help but echo her on this voyage.