tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58786166145410713012024-03-13T21:14:41.960-07:00Angry SugarSavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.comBlogger70125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-31617553129185207492016-04-26T23:55:00.002-07:002016-04-26T23:56:16.012-07:00Beets at 1 am<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s 1:06 am. I just popped a glass dish of oiled and
seasoned organic beet chunks in the oven to roast for about 45 minutes while I
wait on my large pot of water to boil so I can lower my organic, free range,
Omega-3 eggs into it… then clean my room. It’s been a long day already, and I’m
planning to get up at 6 to drive people I don’t know to their work or the
airport or wherever they wanna pay me to go. For now, I cook. And write
about it in the process.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Tonight, I have the house to myself. My roommate is housesitting somewhere else, and I was supposed to stay
with my boyfriend (If this is your first time reading anything like this from
me and you’ve known me my whole life – Hi, I’m 30. I stay with my boyfriend
sometimes. Take some deep breaths, drink some water, and you’ll be ok.) (I’m
from a small town, for those who are like, “WTF was that?”) after having a
double date with a friend and her fiancée. In a moment of stress-induced
panic, I cancelled everything so I could breathe… and
cook. Alone. In my <strike>own</strike> rented house. Alone. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve lived here for 4 years. This house has seen more growth
in me than any other place apart from my childhood home, and sometimes, I just
want to be with that, especially in times of stress and uncertainty. It’s been
a tough couple of days in the mental health region, even when a semi-stranger
told me in a parking lot yesterday, “Oh! I know you! You’re the girl with ‘the
voice!’” I couldn’t bear to listen to recordings of myself from a party the
night before. My brain took a major nosedive when I looked at my bank account earlier
and realized I was about $300 short for rent due in a few days. (This has
changed a little, thanks to some transactions I forgot were going through and
the incredible generosity of a fellow choir member/perfect angel.) Our choir
concert is this weekend and I’m opening an event immediately following our 2<sup>nd</sup>
and final concert for the season. I don’t know all of the words to all of the choral songs quite yet. Nothing in my closet fits that is appropriate for the concert,
and the rest has been seen over and over and over again since I gained the 50
lbs I lost last year plus 10 more, thanks to more stress, so I’ve opted to
create something for myself. (I know the face you’re making right now. It’s
cool. I’m making it, too.) I owe important people emails
and phone calls about my career’s future. It’s a lot to handle right now. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One of my favorite movies is “Bridesmaids,” and I got to see
it last week with the same friend I bailed on tonight. There’s a moment when
Kristen Wiig’s character goes into the kitchen for what is perceivably the
first time in a while and makes one cupcake that looks so perfect and delicious
and you just wanna put your mouth on the screen when it comes out all beautiful
and flowery-like. She’s alone, at night, in her kitchen, facing something she
hasn’t in a while, and in the midst of everything that’s happening around me,
that’s exactly what I am doing. It’s not just boiling eggs and roasting beets;
it’s self-care, something that has been desperately missing from my life for a
very, very long time. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I watched this movie again for the first time in a
while, the scene where Melissa McCarthy’s character goes over to Kristen Wiig’s
post-kicked-out-of-the-bridal-party (SPOILER ALERT!), depressed character’s
house and teaches her, after slapping her around a bit (If you haven’t seen the
film, this part has a purpose, I assure you.), <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“You are your own problem, Annie. You’re also your solution.”</b>
UGH!!!! WHY DOES SHE MAKE ME FEEL THINGS WHEN SHE SAYS THIS EVERY SINGLE
TIME?!?!?! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because it’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">exactly</i>
what I need to hear. Ever since my epiphany last year that I have a victimhood
mentality and, therefore, I have a tendency to blameshift (Truth, y’all.), this
has stuck with me like a starfish on my face. I go through periods of time
where I try really, really hard to get back on track, and then I make an excuse
and go back to destructive patterns that get me into a worse place than where I
began. I’m cancelling and clearing that from my past for my right now and my
future. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Self-care is a daily choice, and
I love me enough to recognize and implement whatever it takes moving forward.</b> <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Being healthy may never be convenient. It will, however, be
worth it, and if I only get 2 hours of sleep tonight because food prep is a
much higher need than sleep, so be it. That’s where I am today because I
finally told myself I had to break the cycle and get what my body, mind, and
soul needs – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">nourishment</i>. I cannot
allow Fear to get in the way anymore, and this isn’t just about “weight loss”
or fitting into my clothes again or money. It’s about healing, putting myself
first, and getting tired of feeding myself the same bullshit day in, day out. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Something’s gotta give, ya know? Tonight, it’s sleep. And
damn, these beets smell soooooo goooooooood. <o:p></o:p></div>
SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-84365943647800459952015-08-07T20:13:00.001-07:002015-08-07T20:13:52.081-07:00Deep Thoughts On a Yard Sale<div class="MsoNormal">
There is a mountain of belongings awaiting their new homes
in my garage. This is the 5<sup>th</sup> mountain I can think of in the past 3
years. No, wait, there’s the 6<sup>th</sup> that just popped up, only it was a
large donation to Goodwill, and trust me – you really didn’t want that stuff.
(But this stuff, you DO!) ;)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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I’m supposed to be sorting through the remaining of my
belongings that have gone un-touched, but instead of that, I’m feeling the
inspiration to write. I’ve come to understand that when The Muse finds you, you
must listen to Her and succumb to her every wish. So, here I write, on a Friday
night, ignoring what I am “supposed to do” with what I “absolutely must do
because the proverbial building is on fire.” <o:p></o:p></div>
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It’s been months since I’ve written – almost a year, in
fact. I’ve lived a lot of life in that year, and I’ll get to some of that one
day, but right now, I want to talk about this mountain of stuff. This growing
pile that will hopefully pay the remainder of the bills the wages of 3 jobs have
been chipping away at. This growing pile that I wish was <i>bigger, better, even more
alluring</i>. This growing pile that is, in some sense, me.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’ll admit that I’ve watched “Hoarders” a bit to prepare me
for this day, and every time I have a yard sale, I learn at least one major
lesson. One time, it was incredibly painful for me to get rid of my art and
craft supplies is because I didn’t have any true friends in high school,
really, and art was my saving grace. I started a business in high school
painting bar stools, and that was how I passed the lonely time. (Lonely? Start a business! That'll show 'em!) Last time, it was a
big deal for me to sell my fabric stash because I realized that my business as a
clothing designer was definitely done. That part of my identity that had largely become egocentric was deeply swallowing its pride. <b>I had to come to terms with the fact
that I was actually a horrible business owner – and I apologize to anyone who
had to endure that.</b> It just wasn’t what I wanted deep down inside, and letting
it go was very hard yet wonderfully liberating. <o:p></o:p></div>
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This time, I’m also seeing a lot of life parallels, and the main
one is how my stuff – the clutter, the chaos, the excuses for it all, the
hiding it in bags/boxes/whatever I can stuff it into – relates to my life. I
binged on belongings with a history of “retail therapy” and shopping addiction
to fill the void of emptiness and loneliness, and I would make excuses for it then hide it out of guilt, just like I've made plenty of excuses in my life for binge eating foods that react chaotically with my body, and I've hidden it very well and very unwell in the past. I would go on food binges to
stuff down any shred of emotional pain because growing up, feelings weren’t
safe unless they were on the approved list: beautiful love,
provoked anger, sheer joy, and physical pain. [Note: There were some others,
but those were the highlights.] <b>I’ve made every little thing important because
there seemed to be more importance in these tangible things than in my
self-worth.</b> If I have all these things, I’m worth something, right? <i>No, Hoarder
Anslee. That’s not how this works.</i></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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On the flip side, because of these purges, I’m at a place where I have the least
amount of stuff I’ve ever had in my life, and I want to get rid of more because
I see the value in the communities I’m part of, in the people I’ve surrounded
myself with (and it is bringing me to tears recalling how those relationships
have gotten so much deeper the past few months), in my place in life, and,
absolutely most importantly, in myself. I didn’t have this clear vision of how
wonderful and rich these things could have been and totally are now because
things were literally blocking the way. The purging is allowing room for light
and love to come in, and I feel like a <strike>newer person</strike> better version of who I
thought I was.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Perhaps I am becoming who I am meant to be because I am making space for Her. Now there’s something
to hold on to.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-58509536692946320112014-10-30T12:14:00.003-07:002014-10-30T12:27:00.905-07:00Tresses and Locks, Part 1About 2 years ago, I started a journey to truly see myself by shaving my head, and dear Lord, have I <i>really</i> seen a lot! I had no idea what to expect, but I knew I wanted to grow with my hair, and I'm very pleased to say that my commitment has surely paid off. I started to blog this a few times, but it didn't feel right. Today is the day! Aren't you lucky?! ;) (Yes! Yes, you are!)<br />
<br />
I've wanted to cut my hair a hundred times, especially in the hot Summer months in Central Texas, but I knew there was a purpose to waiting. See, I've never been very good at waiting. As an addict, I believe I don't really know patience in most forms because my brain had not fully developed a Be Patient & Wait switch; it eagerly created a Rush Through It & Consume switch that blinks all day long and makes all kinds of bells and whistles to alert me that it's there at all times of the day. My consumption takes on various forms whether it looks like flour and sugar products, free booze at a party, men who give me time and attention, or constant change in appearance, to name a few, although most of it is centered around and triggered by food. I just never learned how to wait for anything, really, so I figured I would start with my hair.<br />
<br />
Knowing myself more and more as the days went by, I chose to wait until the time was right for the big step, and I chose someone very dear and close to my heart for my first cut: Barbara Morin. Barbara was the first hair and makeup artist for my former plus size fashion line, and I had an immediate fondness for her since the moment we met. She has always known exactly what my vision was and has always executed it with grace and perfection. Not only is she exquisitely talented, she is incredibly bright, super fun, wonderfully wise, and an all around amazing person. Over the years, she did hair and makeup for my models, and we took time out of our busy schedules to hang out as friends and really get to know each other. I have a deep respect for this woman and her knowledge and craft, and since she's a curly hair expert and great friend, I knew exactly who would do my first cut!<br />
<br />
At the time, I had aspirations of growing my hair out for future ideas, so we agreed to keep some length. Throughout the whole visit, Barbara was continually educating me on optimal care for my locks, describing the wonderful Unite products she so expertly used that are sulfate-free, vegan, paraben-free, sodium chloride-free, color safe, and DEA/DMA-free (They're just FREE, ok! So freakin' free and beautiful!). They smelled like baby angel breath in a bottle, guys. And they felt amazing on my hair.<br />
<br />
Having someone I have loved and admired for years make that first cut was an emotional experience as it signified a big step in my journey of self-love. She was there in the beginning for the first time I showed my dresses, so she was there again, and many times in between, as I transitioned into a Songstress, following the number 1 passion in my life, music. My hair was once again being guided by her loving hands. There I was, in her sweet chair at Golden Bones, laughing and reflecting and having a grand ol' time with Barbara, her co-stylist, and my hair neighbor who was hilarious and saucy. This cut was more than what may seem to some as <i>just a haircut</i>; it was a life-changing experience. Barbara equipped me with some great knowledge, showed me how to care for and enjoy my tresses in the best of ways - something I really did not know, and so vital for life! - and sent me on my merry way with love and excitement in my "golden bones"!<br />
<br />
Thank you, Barbara, for being a great, shining light in my world! And thank you for sharing your gift with me and being The One for that initial cut. You are perfect, and I couldn't imagine a better person for this moment! [<a href="http://www.barbaramorin.com/" target="_blank">GO SEE BARBARA!</a>]<br />
<br />
You can see the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=789988120888&set=a.610071600038.2076168.57700047&type=1&theater" target="_blank">Before</a>, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=789988904318&set=a.610071600038.2076168.57700047&type=1&theater" target="_blank">During</a>, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=789989348428&set=a.610071600038.2076168.57700047&type=1&theater" target="_blank">First Look</a>, and <a href="https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=789990191738&set=a.610071600038.2076168.57700047&type=1&theater" target="_blank">After</a> (I was excited, obviously.) in these Instagrammy-grams! Enjoy!<br />
<br />
I just got another haircut yesterday and chopped all of it off! You'll have to stay tuned for that saga coming soon. I didn't want to write a novella. You're welcome!!!! :) Thanks for reading!SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-43835549040718750342014-09-24T16:10:00.000-07:002014-09-24T16:15:53.936-07:00Hi, My Name is AnsleeI just read a meme online that said, "Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong."<br />
<br />
That's what I felt. <u><i>Stuck</i>.</u> I named it a few weeks ago, even started to write a song about it. I know when I get to that place it's mainly due to what I eat and the way it processes in my body. So, I tried to fix it. That lasted less than a week before the weekend temptations of wine parties and late night eateries. Of course, I gave in like R. Kelly in "Ignition Remix."<br />
<br />
It wasn't just food that I felt stuck with, though. <i>It was everything, </i>so I responded with control, as a lot of people do, to attempt to get my life in order. Every effort failed. In fact, it made everything worse, especially my closest relationships. (Well, one in particular.) "This isn't me!" I kept thinking. "Where's the Anslee who loves and gives freely? Where's the Anslee who sees the joy of life and endlessly beautiful possibilities?! WHERE DID ANSLEE GO?! I WANT HER BACK RIGHT NOW!" As much as I stomped the feet of my heart, I stayed there in that chaos in my mind, feeling trapped and unsafe and unloved and unloveable. I had been there for months, with tiny reprieves every now and then. Those windows were amazing, too. I felt human again.<br />
<br />
On one particular day, I had felt painstakingly lonely, but decided to just breathe through it. My boyfriend had a really rough day, so when he got home that night (with a gift for me in hand - HOW LOVED AM I?!?!?!), he really just needed to turn his brain off. He and my roommate played video games for a while, and although the previous feeling continued, I knew that it was my issue, and I needed to take the steps to change it because, honestly, I love myself enough to take that first step.<br />
<br />
The next morning, a Saturday, at 9am, I took my friend Anne Marie with me downtown to my first recovery group meeting for food addiction. It was the 2nd group of people I've ever met where I felt immediately welcomed, and I cried most of the meeting, letting me know that - YES - I do belong here, and - YES - I can make the necessary changes for my life and my future right now. So many times during their stories, I thought, "This is me! I've taken food out of the trash, too!" or "Girlfriend, PREACH." I met a woman who keeps me accountable every morning at 7am with a food guide implemented by the organization, and even though it has only been a few days, I feel the clearest, happiest, and most positive I've felt in a very long time. I'm happier than a tampon commercial, guys! IT IS SO GREAT!<br />
<br />
Today, I've been extremely emotional on the other end of the spectrum than what I had become accustomed to, expressing my gratitude to God and the people who have been placed on my path to recovery, the people who love me and have my best interest at heart, and me for responding to this call to truly honor and cherish myself in a way that will last. I'm about to bike over to a meeting right now! (Another victory - getting back on my bike again for the first time in months!!!)<br />
<br />
Thank you for your love. Always.SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-92152480650455837132014-08-28T12:44:00.000-07:002014-08-28T13:08:18.285-07:00It's Between Me and Me, No One ElseThere are a few blog posts I have in the works right now - one about the MS 150 bike ride and one about <a href="https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=789990191738&set=a.610071600038.2076168.57700047&type=3&theater" target="_blank">my recent haircut with Barbara Morin</a> - but I had to say something right now that has been coming up very recently, and I'm glad my lovely friend and plus fashion blogger <a href="https://www.facebook.com/austinslavetofashion" target="_blank">Cathy Benavides</a> spoke out before I did. Cathy, I'm here to join you.<br />
<br />
But first, let me ta...lk some history. (Fooled you, haha!) (What am I, 12?!)<br />
<br />
I started this blog with my friend Sarah back in 2008ish as a way for us to keep each other accountable with our weight loss goals. She would blog, then I would blog, and we sort of went back and forth for a while and it evolved into what it is now. [Note: My posts are still active. Hers are not.] Sarah and I went to college together, and we were pretty close for a few years. During our college career, I recall a conversation with someone else where they brought up how women generally feel bad about themselves when they read magazines. During this time, I fluctuated with my feelings of insecurity and extremely low self-esteem on a daily basis. I denied that I was one of those women, but Sarah, my wonderfully bold, fountain of truth friend, said, "Uh, <i>yes</i>. <i>You do that all the time.</i> You always say negative things about yourself every time you flip through those magazines when we go get coffee and you usually hate yourself afterward." This truth hurt a lot, but only in the I-was-totally-in-denial-for-all-these-years kind of way. It really made me think about things.<br />
<br />
At the ripe age of 21, I came up with a conclusion: <b>We all hate ourselves because our culture is built on comparison.</b> "We," of course, is a blanket statement, as I am fully aware of men and women who love themselves fully regardless of society and its not-so-subliminal messaging egging us on to constantly pick ourselves apart. I also understand this isn't the only reason why there is this prevalence of self-loathing. It does, however, ring embarrassingly true in the majority of cases. Why else would anyone feel the need to say, "OMG I hate her amazing thighs!" if they weren't comparing her thighs to theirs? We compare ourselves from our bodies to our politics, and millions of things in between, in a way that I don't think is entirely necessary. After this truth slapped me so hard in the mouth, all of the thoughts and words that came forth from that point on were filtered through this thought process: Am I comparing myself to someone else? Why? What does it matter? If I believe all people are beautiful (and good gracious alive, I do!), then why can't I view myself as beautiful? Why does my <i>comparison </i>of myself to them always end up in me being negative and hating myself? Are these negative words of comparison leading to self-hatred going to help someone else or change the world?<br />
<br />
After that moment of realization, and a lot of love from my friends, I began to see my body as beautiful for what it is. I still have to remind myself of this almost daily. Granted, I've struggled with this idea again over the past 2 years, but I see myself returning to love again because of this truth that when I strip all the comparisons that we feed ourselves every day on the diet of media and the fashion and health industries (Yes, I'm talking to you, health and fitness people! It's there, too.) - <b>It's just my body. And my body is beautiful no matter what. </b><br />
<br />
That brings me to what started this: I do not participate in "Who Wore It Better?" games. I would love it if they would simply go away. I'll gladly compliment my friends, saying something like "I'm totally team _______! You look great!" or "Lookin' good, lady!" as my attempts at a tactful response, when they wear something strikingly similar to or exactly the same as celebrities because I know them and I want them to feel beautiful, but do I believe they look better than someone else? No. Sorry guys, but no. You are a beautiful human being. That celebrity is also a human. And he or she is beautiful, too. You both bought the same dress! Great! They made, like, 500 of them! Hooray marketing! Why does looking "better" than a celebrity in the same dress have to be a game we play? And the whole best dressed/worst dressed thing falls into all of this. I hope you read me loud and clear when I say <b>No one deserves body shaming. Ever.</b><br />
<br />
It really upsets me when I read something by anyone in the plus size community engaging in these kinds of diatribe because come on, guys. I'm all for size acceptance and empowering women of larger sizes to embrace their curves or non-curves and love the extra folds of skin we're in! <i>Yes! Do it!</i> But there's a flip side to that. We can play the game of being victimized for being picked on and overlooked and degraded most of our lives for being larger than the societal preconceptions of a beautiful size - and that is a horrible, horrible thing to go through as I am completely with you there and I feel for every single one of you/us - and try to only lift up "our people" with slogans like "Curvy Girls Are Better" and the like -<i>or</i>- we can become empowered, make a change, accept our pasts, and bring everyone up <i>with us,</i> regardless of race, color, religion, gender, shape, or size. That's where the real difference will be made. <b>Let's stop comparing and stop shaming. Let everyone be beautiful no matter who they are or what they wear.</b><br />
<br />
[Note: As I type this, I realize that one of my favorite songs EVER, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PCkvCPvDXk" target="_blank">"All About That Bass" by Meghan Trainor</a>, even has a lot of work to do. She tries to make up for it, though: "I'm bringing booty back/Go ahead and tell them skinny bitches that/No, I'm just playing/I know you think you're fat/But I'm here to tell ya/Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top" She's still got a little way to go, in my opinion, but I think she's heading there.]<!---what-->SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-35120686549464678042014-07-25T10:49:00.000-07:002014-07-25T10:49:18.472-07:00RunI feel the need to<br />
Run.<br />
<br />
Run,<br />
Not in the way of<br />
Feet meeting pavement,<br />
But running<br />
With my heart<br />
Towards a purpose,<br />
Towards a higher space of living.<br />
Running towards God.<br />
<br />
Running<br />
Towards my dreams and passions.<br />
Just<br />
Run,<br />
One proverbial foot in front of the other<br />
In quick succession of<br />
Progress.<br />
Blood pumping<br />
Through my veins,<br />
Creating wind<br />
And force<br />
And energy<br />
Behind me.<br />
<br />
Where my destination is<br />
I have only a vague idea,<br />
But<br />
I just<br />
Gotta<br />
Run.SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-73778546254795130812014-06-23T13:19:00.001-07:002014-06-23T13:48:58.479-07:00Letting Go, Clearing Out, and Moving OnLast year, I had a multi-family yard sale with my friends where I let go of a lot of items I had assigned emotional attachments to, and I realized there was something else I needed to let go of: The Box. "What box?" you may be asking. The Box of my past. You see, I've kept The Box in my closet for most of my life. In there, I would put letters and little notes and ticket stubs and random memorabilia to remain forever in the black hole of memories known as The Box. 10 months after the yard sale, I finally got up the courage/emotional exhaustion to begin the process.<br />
<br />
I read every letter, crying on the floor of my bedroom. Most of them were wonderful memories, but some of them were not. I realized where my notion of not feeling good enough for someone to date me came from, along with my need for people pleasing to stop someone from bullying me, amongst many other agreements I made about myself and the world. In middle school, even before my diagnosis, I just wanted to be normal, and I wrote that in a letter I didn't send yet kept in The Box. I wanted to be someone else from such a young age because I was already tired of not fitting in, not being accepted, and not loving myself because some boy (<i>every boy</i>) or some "friends" couldn't love me for who I was.<br />
<br />
I wanted wine. I wanted sweets. I wanted my mom. I wanted to cry for days. <i>But I did not indulge</i>. Instead, I processed what the hurtful notes meant, how they shaped who I am today, and what I needed to let go. Then, I gladly/angrily/tearfully/whatever-emotion-I-allowed-myself-to-feel-in-the-moment-ly threw them away. I kept the beautiful notes of love, encouragement, and goodness to happily remain in The (now) GOOD Box, and remembered all of the beautiful people who blessed my life with their words that touched me so deeply, then and now. All of them are now teachers to me; teachers of strength, humility, and sense of self, along with teachers of love, support, guidance, and faith. I even made peace with death, particularly the death of one of my best friends, through these letters.<br />
<br />
It seemed as if I started to breathe again, but there were still some things I was wrestling with emotionally that I didn't know how to deal with. I prayed a lot, and it seemed to help quite a bit. I'd kicked the sugar habit again, so that wasn't the problem. I was more motivated than I had been in a long time to work and get my resume up to date. My friends and I had the best relationships we've ever had. However, why was I constantly feeling lethargic and unattractive? Why was I constantly asking my boyfriend for affirmation (rather, reaffirmation upon reaffirmation) or needing attention? Why did I still feel unsafe in my own body? Why couldn't I feel love from others, but mostly, from myself?<br />
<br />
Open the garage door to my studio, essentially, <i>my life</i>. It was complete chaos - dirty, dirty chaos. What was supposed to be a place of creativity, business, and productivity was just a huge mess! [Read: Complete and utter disaster.] No wonder I took a sabbatical. I couldn't get any freakin' work done in a place so unorganized, so disheveled, so full of useless, neglected things from wall to wall, floor to ceiling in some places. It was just like The Box, taking up physical, emotional, and spiritual space, and I couldn't put it off any longer. It had to be done, and I was the only one who could do it.<br />
<br />
The first day, it took me 6 hours to get everything out of the garage and into my driveway. People thought I was having a yard sale so they actually bought a bunch of things. (If you put it out there, they will come. Noted.) The first day was a total of 14 hours of moving, sorting, sweeping, cleaning, and throwing away, but mostly, it was emotionally draining yet also somehow uplifting.<br />
<br />
At one point, a huge revelation hit me right in the feels: <b>I hoarded these crafts and crafty-like things my whole life because those were my only friends for so long.</b> That truth lingered in my stomach before spilling out of my eyes, and soon, I was in a sweaty, gross puddle in the middle of my garage, looking out onto the piles of what I had decided was my life. My art and creativity is pretty much everything to me in my physical and emotional worlds, and this driveway of clutter represented years of clinging to that part of myself, developing it to the respected level it is now. It also represented the years I was isolated, being the weird girl who sat by herself at the lunch table in high school and couldn't wait to get in the art or music room to let it out - alone, again, for the most part. No wonder I do things on my own and rarely ask for help, perpetuating the cycle I've found myself in for most of my life. I retreat into my little lair of possibility, surrounded by my mountains of 'friends' I've collected in the form of crafts, sewing materials, paints, and random objects to be used for something great and awe-inspiring,<i> I assure you</i>, yet craving intimacy and closeness at the same time.<br />
<br />
During this process, I uncovered so many great things I seemed to have forgotten about myself as they were hidden underneath a frustrating blanket of "UGH! WHY IS THIS HERE?!" I remembered things such as the fact that I started a really cool business in high school (and actually made money at it!) painting bar stools and other cool things, the fact that I am SUPER resourceful, incredibly observant, and a very quick and thorough learner, and the fact that I'm really great at what I do - all of it! Oh, and I'm really fun! And funny, obviously. [You better laugh at that.] Doing this manual labor for myself helped me feel better in my body for the first time in months, and I looked at my sweaty, dusty naked self that night in the mirror after that first day was over and actually liked what I saw for the first time in a long, long time. [Cue: Tears. Lots of tears.]<br />
<br />
I made a choice that day to start over in a way. I cleared out about 50% of my things, which is more than I'd expected to rid myself of over the course of a week. I held a yard sale where some of my real life friends - also crafty people! yay!!! - and lots of lovely strangers came by to give these things a new life. I made rent with that yard sale. (Thanks, old friends, for your value!)<br />
<br />
My space is incredible and light and full of room to explore and create and get excited! (My boyfriend even wants to set up his studio in there, which would have been impossible before.) I'm proud to now have a space that I feel represents me and my lightness of heart, fullness of joy, and excess of possibility that has gratefully returned. I'm hosting a Studio Cooling (not warming because we are in Texas and it's almost July) Party soon to celebrate the transition, and I couldn't be more thrilled for this new chapter and fresh start. Emotional health is the most important, in my opinion, and this cleanse is exactly what I needed for an optimal healthy life journey.SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-56670554437710720662013-12-02T14:07:00.001-08:002013-12-02T14:37:57.167-08:00The Pains of Being Pure at Stomach (Not a band, but a reality)<div>
A look of shock came over his face when I explained why I couldn't eat the green beans he lovingly prepared for the buffet.<br />
"You're <i>allergic</i> to pork?!" he exclaims in disbelief. "I have <u style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">never</u> heard of that!" What I said registers in his brain. "That means you can't have --"<br />
"I know! Bacon. I can't have bacon. It's a travesty. I'm <i>well</i> aware." I cut him off. I know what he's going to say next.<br />
"Or --"<br />
"Sausage. Ham. Pork chops. Pork rinds. Refried beans. Anything cooked in lard. Anything at the restaurant <i>Bacon</i>."<br />
"I would rather die than be allergic to pork."<br />
"I'm actually really happy. Thanks!"<br />
<br />
Imagine this same conversation all. the freaking. time.<br />
<br />
A few months ago, I gave up sugar completely because I have an addiction. [Insert previous conversation here, substituting sugar and various confections.] When I consume sugar, it feeds a chronic medical condition I was diagnosed with at 13, and it also makes me feel suicidal if I over consume. Since I've been sugar-free for a few months, my thoughts are the clearest they've been in a long time, and I no longer consider suicide as an option when I emotionally reach dark places. In fact, I hit rock bottom right after I went off sugar, and I believe fighting through my addiction AND the pain of everything crumbling around me was a huge part of what helped me survive the most difficult time of my life. During that time, I was very conscious of my thought processes, and I said to myself, "Wait a minute. I don't want to take my life right now... HOLY CRAP!!!! THAT IS AWESOME!" Clarity, prayer, good friends and family, and a few extra counseling sessions were what I relied on during that time, but the sugar was long gone, and I am proud to say I slayed the <i>shit</i> out of that dragon. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Now, I've moved on to a new journey as my birthday challenge. I'm adopting a plant-based diet, at least for the next 90 days. I do foresee it becoming my lifestyle. I wanted to challenge myself to commit for 3 months to the full extent. I may add fish and lean, "ethical" meats back into my diet at a later date. I have tried many times to successfully adopt this way of eating, but I failed for a number of reasons. The main one is really silly but it is true: I get tired of upsetting/inconveniencing people by the way that I eat. </div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
Being meat-free can be painstakingly isolating at times. Yes, I'm aware that I make my own choices and that choosing not to do something because of what someone else thinks is a people-pleasing, co-dependent mentality. And honestly, I get really tired of having to explain myself. People get soooo argumentative over food! It's difficult to eat clean even when you're consuming meat, so that is magnified when one tries to eat clean AND cut the meat out altogether. Texas, much like Georgia, is the land of barbecue and pork and all things animal-derived, it seems. While most people are cool with whatever you want to put in your body, there are still people who shun the idea of someone not consuming meat, and a few of them are very close to home. For example, one of my best friends would never date a vegetarian. (Enjoy dating in Austin, friend!) One of my other best friends almost vomits at the thought of something edible not having an ingredient with an animal-derived product in it. ("<i>Vegan</i> cupcake?!" *throws it at the wall*) One time, I told one of my uncles about a restaurant that served very convincing meat-looking soy protein. "If I didn't know, I wouldn't have thought it was fake!" I said. His response was, "I wouldn't have thought it was food!" Cool. Thanks for your support. (Sarcasm.)<!------><!------><!------><br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Not everyone is like that, of course. (Shout out to my Aunt Kathie for being the first food-weirdo in my family! I love your little vegetarian self for taking one for the team!) I actually do have a ton of support from most of my family and friends because we've all been on some sort of off-beat eating plan. Collectively, we've tried Weight Watchers, Atkins, Sugar Busters, South Beach (I actually support this diet for the most part.), Suzanne Somers, Susan Powter, HCG shots (Not a fan. Needles scare me.), Mayo Clinic Diet, Slim Fast (Throwback, y'all!), shakes, juice (I win this category all on my own!), meat-only for 2 weeks then veggies-only for 2, rinse and repeat... You name it, my family (Myself alone!) has tried it, and we support each other the best we can, even if we disagree. [Read: HCG was scary to pretty much all of us except for those doing it, obviously.] </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My parents were actually inspired by the film "<a href="http://www.forksoverknives.com/" target="_blank">Forks Over Knives</a>" to adopt a plant-based diet as well, and they did GREAT! It lasted for about 6 months, and my hat is totally off to them. My dad was super committed and bought plant-based nutrition books for all of his friends who had medical conditions, explaining to them what he had learned, and enabling them to take their health into their own hands and turn off cancer genes. I highly doubt any of them read those books, but I am so proud of his enthusiasm and his willingness to lead his friends to healing. My mom was reluctant at first, but even she started to actually get excited about eating vegetables and how she felt on the new eating plan. I think they ran into the same issues that I've experienced, but worse for them is that they don't live in Austin where nutrient-rich foods are widespread and easily available, and I would be surprised if the restaurants they went to in South Georgia would let them in their establishments if they uttered the word "vegan." There is no community where they live, that they know of, and it just got hard for them. Their commitment, although brief, inspired me to keep going. When I told them that I was going to strictly adhere to a vegan diet diet for the next 90 days, I was encouraged, and I'm sticking with that.</div>
<div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I do not like complaining, and that isn't what I'm trying to do here. Maybe this will bring to light some of the issues we herbivores face. (This post doesn't even touch on cruelty-free reasons for going vegan. I commend those who are outward about their views. I support you!) What I guess it all comes down to is this: I'm not asking anyone to change their ways. I may make educated suggestions if someone is constantly complaining about something and seem to be asking for advice. That's what I would do with any situation, really. I may share how this new way of eating has been beneficial for me. However, I'm not holding a gun to anyone's head, saying, "You better only eat plants or your grandma gets it!" It's called having a conversation, and for whatever reason, it really offends people when I talk about what I eat. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So, I decided to not give a shit anymore about what others think. That should have been my attitude from the get-go, however, one of my top needs has been acceptance since I can remember, and that is a really difficult attitude to have when you've been a people-pleaser your whole life. Thankfully, I'm on this new plane of self-acceptance. It feels good to a) accept myself fully from the inside out, b) get creative with my new lifestyle and food choices because I love to cook and make beautiful food, and c) eat nutrient-dense, healing foods that make me feel like a shiny unicorn floating on a double rainbow with cotton candy colored clouds! Some people see vegetarians/pescetarians/vegans/non-meat consumers as weak, and those people can suck it. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>I choose to be plant-strong. I choose to eat for my highest self. I choose to heal my body - for good.</b></div>
</div>
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SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-66020371198433503912013-08-30T15:38:00.001-07:002013-08-30T16:02:40.568-07:00A Year of Growth<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">
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<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">It's
been a year since I shaved my head, and oooooh, what a year it has been! It's
truly amazing to take a look back at a journey of 365ish days and be grateful
for where you are, what you've experienced, and who you've become in just one
year. This year, I really pushed the Play button on my life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"> I
grew up a lot. I mean, really a lot. I learned how to organize and clean my
house on a consistent basis. [Read: Huge accomplishment.] I learned how to be
mindful of how my actions affect others, including my hoarding
tendencies. I purged my belongings, twice. I have experienced 4 different
roommates coming and going, along with a few animals, and a transition from a
studio space to working in my garage. I hated my home when I first moved here;
now, I've really come to love it. I learned to love sweating. I learned to love drinking water! I took a step
back from my business. I accomplished several fitness goals. I learned how to
deal with death in a healthy way. I started a band and began writing music
again for the first time in years. I made friends. (You know, like usual.
"Hey, cool hair! Errr, well, you know what I mean.") I confused
people. (Again, like usual. "Do you have cancer?" "Are you dying?"
"What's wrong? Should I be scared that you don't have hair all of a
sudden?!") I became more vulnerable. I cried more than ever. I started
paying my own bills with the money I made as opposed to my parents helping me
out with everything. I wrote and I sang and I danced and I fell in love and I
fell out of love and I got hurt and I forgave and, most of all, I learned to
love it all. I fought a lot of things as I grew up in the past, but somehow
over this year, I learned how to accept more things with grace... and maybe a
tiny fight. As soon as I equated "success" with "change,"
that made all the difference. This idea was present with my nonexistent to
slowly growing follicles. Everything became a little easier because I knew my
purpose here was to grow with my hair, and I believe that I did just that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"> When
I shaved my head, I had no idea what would really happen to me on the inside. I
knew I wanted to "see myself for the first time," which I did. I <i>really</i>
did, too. I saw my imperfections. I saw my vanity. I saw my weaknesses. I saw
all of my hiding places. I also saw my strength. I saw my purpose. I saw my
place in the world as a child of God. I even saw <i>God</i>, somehow, <i>in
myself</i>, somewhere. I saw how far I still need to go and accepted it and
committed to it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">This
journey has been beautiful and painful and joyful and honest and ugly and scary
and exciting and very, very, VERY real. The point of it all was for me to know
myself and love myself completely, and I've become more of the person I have
always wanted to be, uncovering a tiny part of who I am to see the whole of
myself, this She of God - the Ultimate Source of Light, of Love. I opened my
crown to receive the gifts of Life that my Creator has bestowed upon me, to
foster them, to share them. There is still quite a journey ahead of me. This is
still very close to the starting place. I'm grateful for the opening of my eyes
and heart through the removal of tired, abused, thirsty, brittle,
pretty-on-the-outside tresses, making way for the Love, Light, health, beauty,
abundance, energy, and strength that now inhabits that nurtured space on my
scalp as well as inside my revitalized, re-energized, love-pumping heart. I
knew I was changing my life, I just didn't know how it was going to play out. I
trusted that this was something I needed to do, so I answered that calling and
here I am! Happier [Cue the waterworks!], more resilient, and full of joy - <i>my
joy</i>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">What's
next for me? I'm writing a book about my sugar addiction, I've recently become
a Zumba instructor, I'm planning my bike tour, and soon, I will become a weight
loss and nutrition coach. I am really looking forward to embracing this new
lifestyle of learning and teaching others to find and embrace their own health
journeys, and most importantly, to reconcile themselves with their bodies and
their lives. I've personally seen how it can change your life (Duh! This blog
talks about all of it, obvi!!!), and I am excited to encourage others!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"> Woooo!
Serious post! Definitely worth it. Thanks for reading, and I like you. :)</span><span style="font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-61125330364919308592013-08-14T08:40:00.000-07:002013-08-14T08:40:55.979-07:00Goals, y'allA few months ago, I said I would blog about my fitness goals for the year. I decided to make bigger goals for myself along the way and give myself more time to accomplish them. I'm choosing now to really put them out there for the magic of allowing them to happen and for accountability. I've read so many times that people who write their goals down have a much higher chance of achieving them. So, here they are!<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>1. Become a Zumba instructor.</b> This is something I've been wanting to do for a few years. I remember talking to Erin about this back in the day, but I kept quiet about it because I didn't believe I was in good enough shape to do it or athletic enough or insert-lameass-excuse-here. Next Thursday, I am going to my instructor training, and I will be a certified Zumba instructor in just 8 days! *Squeal* Super excited!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>2. Lead a team for MS150.</b> That's right, friends! I have been talking about this for a little while with some friends. So far, I have at least one person fully committed, potentially two! If you're interested in joining my team, let me know. It was going to be called Team Savannah Red, but I think Team Angry Sugar is a) so much more fun (Duh.) and b) more tied to my health journey than my creative journey. Can I say I'm super excited again?! Because I am.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>3. Run a marathon.</b> I had lofty goals of running a marathon during 2013, and that could have worked out at some point, however, I'd like to push myself the right way. I know whatever way I approach this I will succeed. This is a point I've proven to myself a few times over. Knowing that, I want to be safe and conscious about the way I train and do some smaller k's before the big one.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>4. Lose 80 lbs.</b> The most I've ever lost is 50 lbs, and I gained a lot of it back. I know I have the tools and the willpower, so now that I've made the decision, piece of celery, right?! ;)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>5. Do a handstand in one year.</b> I've never been able to do this. So... I'm doing it! Watch out, yogis! We'll be inverted together before too long.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
If anyone wants to join me, I'd love to have you. I'm really looking forward to accomplishing these goals. I see a very bright, healthy future ahead of me. Thanks for your support!</div>
SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-82306970101181357812013-08-01T12:05:00.000-07:002013-08-01T13:07:13.144-07:00Identity to Vulnerability to Incredible, Vibrant Life!Any time I meet a personal trainer, I know pretty much what they are thinking when I talk to them about health and fitness: "This girl is my dream client." I mean, look at me. I'm obviously female (so many women see it as their life mission to lose weight) and I'm about 230 lbs., I think. When a trainer sees me walk up, they almost salivate, and part of that is because<i> they want to help me. </i>It's like I activate that response in their brain that says, "Save this person from a horrible death of pizza and French fries! You are her only hope!" You know, I can totally get behind that if it comes from the right place in the heart - the place of empathy. After all, they are in business to help people of my size get down to people of their size because, well, most people think that is the key to all great things in life (a train of thought I highly disagree with), but I totally understand that. We all have jobs. (Duh.) The fact is that I don't eat that much pizza or French fries. They can't save me. I can't be their "dream client." They really don't know anything about me at all.<br />
<i><br /></i>
I've been wanting to write this post for a long time. As a disclaimer, this is not about bashing personal trainers. In fact, this is meant to be helpful for trainers, so I hope that if you are in this industry that you read all of it. It just might be a key to unlock your successful business.<br />
<br />
I had a trainer for a bit. Her name was Erin, and Erin was always fit. She told me her history of being an athlete, and I thought that was really cool. I always felt a huge disconnect between us because of her athleticism, and it wasn't until just a few months ago that I realized that I am totally an athlete, too! If I had made that connection a few years ago, perhaps I would have stuck with her, but the fact of the matter is that she couldn't do that for me. I had to make that connection on my own, in my time, on my terms, and all of it really comes down to <b>identity</b>.<br />
<br />
When I shaved my head, I knew I was in for something huge because I did it so I could start over with myself. I tore myself down, symbolically, through the act of demolishing my hair follicles, only to grow up, get serious, make a ton of changes, and become the woman I've always known inside. This includes a huge list of things, one of them is embracing my gift of singing and the other one is owning my athleticism. How could those things relate to shaving your hair off, you may be thinking? One word: <b>vulnerability</b>. I took off my proverbial mask by exposing my naked head - the part of a woman she rarely, if ever, shows the world, much less herself. It was a public act of vulnerability that I wore for a few months as my hair turned into beautiful, healthy, fresh curly locks that are totally light BROWN! :)<br />
<br />
In the same vein of this idea, let's talk about nudity for a hot minute. I love to go to burlesque shows. What I love about burlesque from watching my friends (Shout out to my sexy ladies in Black Widow Burlesque especially!) is that it is so vulnerable and intimate yet exciting and sometimes grotesque or hilarious! It is whatever the performer wants it to be, and at the same time, it is a celebration of the body - male or female. (Boylesque! Whaaat!) Our culture has a very sterile posture toward the human body that I've never fully understood. As an experienced singer, there's something incredibly poignant about being on a stage as a performer in general, bearing everything that you have in your heart and soul to be scrutinized for an immeasurable amount of time, and creatively crafting a way to expose yourself through the art of burlesque to an audience without their give or take is positively breathtaking. I understand it isn't for everyone, but what it comes down to, as I see it, is that moment of being vulnerable for the sake of vulnerability itself and the appreciation of who you are <i>almost</i> in the form that you came to this earth. After all, the main parts are actually covered, and it is a beautiful body that moves and expresses itself! It is fascinating to watch, and I've learned life lessons from my friends who do engage in it.<br />
<br />
In light of this idea, my favorite part of Bikram yoga is usually afterwards when I get to strip myself of my yoga costume and hang out in the ladies' room with... a bunch of bare, naked ladies! At first, I was like, "WHOA! BUSH ERRRRYWHERE!" After a few days, it became normal and totally cool to just. be. yourself. All naked. After a beautiful practice. Your body is giving a big Ahhhhh! with other bodies in the same room, free of restricting, smelly, wet, clingy clothes. I have a little extra body here. She has a little extra there. It don't matter! No one cares, really. "Nudity builds unity!" Kadi would always say with a laugh. It's true, though. It does, because it's so vulnerable, and that's where connections are made. Of course, you don't have to be naked to be vulnerable, these are just physical examples, and I encourage you, lovely reader, to explore your own avenues. I believe that when you are super vulnerable, that's where you can really start to get deep and discover your identity, your dreams, your values, and in which direction you really want to grow. This very directly relates to your health and the rest of your life.<br />
<br />
In the quiet moments of my meditations and personal development I've been doing over the past year and some change, I've been focusing on the topics of vulnerability and identity: Who am I? What am I here to do? Who do I want to become? What do I enjoy about me? What do I want to improve? When I had sessions with Mark, he helped me with my Conscious Language, speaking my life into existence. So much of who we are is what we say to ourselves, and that can come from parents, other family members, society, media, and our own fabrications and truths. One day, it hit me: What I tell myself, from mind chatter to self-deprecation to <i>my identity</i>, really is what I am. I had been so focused on telling myself that I am a beautiful, plus size woman (which is totally fine, by the way) that no matter what my efforts were toward changing my body to reflect my athleticism and to heal very dangerous and eventually life-threatening health issues (that are directly tied to my diet and weight), I stayed a plus size woman. I stayed beautiful, of course, but when you are trying everything you can and frustrating someone you're paying to help you have a leaner body - and she actually cares deeply - very little is going to change. "I have my healthy body. I am healthy. I love being athletic. I am an athlete," is now my mantra, and I have seen incredible results! I mean, I did a big ass bike ride, guys! That didn't just come out of nowhere. I'd been mentally prepping myself for months, and I rocked 2 whole days of bike riding bliss.<br />
<br />
I wonder if I knew back then in my trainer days what I know now if things would be different, and I believe they would be, but I gratefully bless the journey it took to get me to this point. I encourage anyone in the health and fitness industry to become vulnerable with their clients, reaching into your hearts first, bearing it all, so the ones who are training can go into themselves and find what it is that could be holding them back. Meet them halfway. Ask them how they identify themselves, and if they want a change, to encourage them to daily speak positive affirmations in the direction of their dreams. I can only imagine how it will work for them AND you! It's changing my life as I speak it.<br />
<br />
If you don't have a trainer but you're interested in exploring these ideas, find someone you can be vulnerable with and just talk openly. Allow them to ask you questions and answer, honestly and truthfully, even if it hurts and even if you cry. Usually, that's where the really good stuff is! It's all going to be ok. In fact, it's all going to be even better. Explore what it is that you tell yourself, and then write your story from a place of love, acceptance, and positive growth. Read that story to yourself with an open heart, receiving what you've just given to you: a new plan, a new future, and a new story to identify with.<br />
<br />
Oh, and don't forget to tell me how it goes! Thanks for reading, guys! <!--3-->SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-31661401485419290302013-05-22T13:30:00.002-07:002013-05-22T13:58:08.700-07:00Food Fight!"You are forthright and fearless," a former love interest told me in an email years ago, and he was definitely right! Throughout my life, I've carried a reputation that I'm bold, daring, and perhaps a bit crazy due to my perceived fearlessness, but I have to tell you that right now I'm really scared. <br />
<br />
When I was at Berry College, one of my first papers for Rhetoric &
Writing was about the genetic modification of food. To be honest, I didn't want to write the paper,
not just because I didn't like writing papers (most of the battle) but
because I just didn't care. We were supposed to argue for or against the
genetic modification of food, and I was going to choose the pro side
until I started researching and found that I absolutely could not argue
in favor. One thing I learned in my research was that allergens are derived from proteins of the food source, which is why people can be allergic to all different kinds of foods. I concluded that there is a greater, very dangerous risk for averse reactions when GMO foods are consumed just by the allergen issue alone. I grew up with a father who was allergic to several different meats, so I learned to be very sensitive to food allergies at a young age. This idea that GMO's could make matters worse was a problem that hit home for me, literally. All of a sudden, I started to care. That was about 10 years
ago.<br />
<br />
I'm not an expert in anything, but I do have a voice where I share my concern. It's no surprise to me that there are so many seemingly new flavors of food intolerances, food allergies, and other issues (like cancer, for example) regarding the way our bodies process what we eat since so much of our food supply has been either genetically modified or stripped of all of its nutritional value - and why? To save a buck? To "feed the world"? Well, guess what - the rest of the world doesn't want this food or the seeds from which they grow! [Read <a href="http://planetsave.com/2011/07/21/hungary-destroys-all-monsanto-gmo-maize-fields/" target="_blank">here</a>, <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/beverly-bell/haitian-farmers-commit-to_b_578807.html" target="_blank">here</a>, and <a href="http://tyglobalist.org/in-the-magazine/theme/arresting-monsanto-in-kathmandu/" target="_blank">here</a>, for starters.] They don't want to be obese like Americans (I know I don't have to go into statistics here.) and they don't want frankenfoods because they know they're dangerous. We are the malnourished and the infirm, and we've done this to ourselves by allowing it to happen. It's time we make it right.<br />
<br />
I don't know if it's true, but I've been told that Monsanto, the main company associated with biotech foods,
has an agenda to reduce the human race by a large percentage. (I'm
paraphrasing here.) My non-conspiracy theorist brain says,
"Whateverrrrr. People don't really want to do that! That's just
ridiculous, and quite a big statement." On the flipside, I see what
they're doing, and by their clearly evil and stealthy plans, I wonder... Maybe it <i>is</i>
true. <b>Genocide through your utensils.</b> <i>Clever</i>, Monsanto. (Where the hell is Batman?!)<br />
<br />
But wait! There's more! As Monsanto spoon-feeds the human race its deliciously genetically modified frankenveggies, they become power hungry as well! They <a href="http://grist.org/article/one-hell-of-a-company/" target="_blank">employ child labor</a> and <a href="http://axisoflogic.com/artman/publish/Article_65553.shtml" target="_blank">maintain rigid control over seed supplies, pushing Indian farmers to suicide</a>. Meanwhile, as they destroy people's lives all over the world (as evidenced above but please feel free to use your own research skills), they are <strike>also outlawed</strike> <a href="http://rt.com/usa/monsanto-bill-blunt-agriculture-006/" target="_blank">legally protected in the United Sta</a>- EXCUSE ME, WHAT?! That only makes sense if we were living in the Twilight Zone, and I gotta tell ya, it sure feels like it right now. But yes, they are protected in the good ol' U. S. of A. because they've got friends in very, very high places, but hopefully, we can change that. Your dollar is your vote, and this Saturday there is a worldwide <a href="http://www.infowars.com/worldwide-march-against-monsanto-protests-planned-for-may-25th/" target="_blank">March Against Monsanto</a>, and I encourage everyone to participate in your local marches. This is so important, and I really hope you will stand with me in solidarity for the future of our food.<br />
<br />
So, I might be scared but I'm not scared in the sense that I'm going to hide myself and wish it
would all go away. (You should know me better than that!) I'm scared
enough to act boldly and proudly in support of natural, healthy food
sources - the way it was intended <i>by Nature</i> (freakin' duh.) - grown by happy, healthy (Well, that's their choice, but roll with me.) farmers. That's the future I see. <br />
<br />
This has been a very Angry Sugar post. :)<br />
<br />
Monsanto, don't fuck with a fat girl's food supply. You're going down.SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-72456127483912397652013-04-29T09:21:00.001-07:002013-04-29T10:06:22.903-07:00My MS150I DID IT!!!!! Well, I did most of it, but still - I DID IT!!! And you get to read allllllll about it!<br />
<br />
When I was younger, I never thought of myself as an athlete although I
tried every sport possible. I was fat, I was slow, and I didn't always
understand the game because I wasn't allowed to play much given the
first 2 things. I just didn't think I had any athletic capacity until I
started training for the MS150 and did the Mellow Johnny's Saturday
scout-a-route with Stephanie and Julie. I was having some issues since I
was on a hybrid [Read: Really heavy and generally a bit slower than road bikes.] and I didn't know quite what to do until Julie stayed back a
bit to help me get better acquainted with the route and the bike. She
did more than she realizes! She helped me understand that I am actually
really, really strong, pretty fast, and very capable of doing long
distances with some speed. Apparently, I am pretty athletic! (Thanks for
that, Julie!) That ride was actually the longest I'd done in one day
before the MS150: 25 miles. <b>Saturday, April 20, I completed 70 miles. Sunday, April 21, I completed 40 miles, making my grand total of 110 miles</b>,
just a bit shy of the total mileage of our route! I feel like a
different person after finishing the MS150, complete with brand new
thighs as if I traded in the other ones for super powered ones. (I was walking kind of like a baby gazelle with new legs the first few days after! If
you need a visual, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QY6LWBK_5VY" target="_blank">watch this video for a few seconds</a>.) <br />
<br />
I'll be honest, I was pretty nervous. I had been nervous about it for months, trying to curb it with different flavors of psychobabble like, "It's only 2 days out of my life," and "I am great at recovery," and "It's not as bad as it seems, I'm sure." I found out that I was exactly right: it <i>was</i> only 2 days out of my life, I<i> am</i> great at recovery, and it<i> was</i> no where near as bad as it seems! Way to go on that self-talk, Anslee! (Breathing exercises really came in handy, too.) Coming out of the experience, I have a sense of pride and accomplishment like never, ever, ever before. <br />
<br />
The weekend was so much fun! Being apart of a team, and I'll get to some more of this later, was really awesome for me as I haven't been a team player since I was in 10th grade. There were fun moments like when my teammate Hannah gave me a drive-by Clif bar because mine had fallen out of my pocket, when I saved the day during a road-side tire change with the use of my foot pump, and the big slumber party the first night of the ride, complete with the best shower I've ever experienced in my life and the most beautiful display of food and love imaginable. Everyone was so encouraging and so much fun, and the fact that the team was part of my church was really important to me as my church community has been a strong support system for me since I found them around the time that I moved to Austin. They were there when I wanted to run a 5k. They were there for my first fashion show. They were there for countless other events and milestones in my life, and they were definitely there for the MS150.<br />
<br />
Most of the route was made up of back roads, roaming through the countryside with cows and farmland and the occasional lingering skunk (Mmm!), so the scenery made for a beautiful ride most of the way. I had to remind myself to look around every now and then to really take it all in, providing a very nice break from the constant, "You can do this. Only a few more miles. Don't think about parts of your body that feel like they are burning/numb right now." Along the way, people were cheering us on from their homes, sides of the road, lawn chairs, tractors, pop up DJ booths, you name it! One family filled their tractor with ice, water, Gatorade, and Natural Light for riders, and invited us to "pop a squat" if we needed to behind their trucks. I will say it was the best Natty Light I've ever had in my life!<br />
<br />
Not only was it physically challenging, it was mentally challenging as well, and if you're going to do a ride like that, you should be comfortable with your own thoughts because that is really all you have unless someone is right beside you talking to you the whole way. On the same token, the ride provided a great mental break from life for me. Most of my thoughts were, "You can do it!" "You are a beautiful athlete, Anslee Nicole Connell!" (Yes, sometimes I talk to myself in my head as if my mom were talking to me.) "Just __ miles until the next stop!" "It's like a ride downtown and back, NBD!" Anything I could say to myself to keep pedaling, I said it, and at times, I said it out loud. Saturday night, I realized I didn't think about anything that day that had been bothering me before. I didn't think (a whole lot) about my best friend living in Boston with the bombings and chaos that week. I didn't think about the work I was unable to finish before I left. I didn't think about my bank account balance. I didn't think about Austin Fashion Week or Renegade or how I'm going to make everything I need to make for my business in May. None of that filled my brain because there simply wasn't room for it. I needed every single brain cell to vibrate, "Keep pedaling! You can do it!" <br />
<br />
Speaking of mind chatter, a realization I had on the ride may have been a turning point in my life. Back up a few weeks ago to a conversation I had with a close friend of mine when we were talking about giving each other space when we need it. "It's almost like you think you're going to be left behind," he said. I responded with silence because that was the idea I was used to: I always felt left behind. Fast forward to the ride weekend, and the first day I was mostly left behind because I was slower by default as I was on a hybrid and I'm sure for other reasons, too. It didn't bother me that day because I expected it and I turned it into a grand journey the whole way. The second day was a different story, even though that expectation was there, and I almost didn't make it. I sent a text to my group saying that I wasn't sure if I could do it that day when I stopped to have an emotional breakdown in the first couple of miles. I felt extremely disconnected and it was really tough. I remember very specifically thinking, "I do not feel supported and I do not feel safe." A very kind bike martial, named Richard, rode with me to the stop ahead, after so graciously rescuing me in my distress, and at the stop I shared some of my concerns with Angel, another awesome teammate. She just listened and empathized, even though we both knew my issues and frustrations were with myself and not with the team as a whole. She encouraged me and went on her way while I took the bus to the lunch stop and allowed my heart a rest. I met up with the group for lunch and set out a little early so they could pass me in a few miles.<br />
<br />
Here's where the turning point in my story happens. After a rough morning of feelings of self-doubt and abandonment, I decided to change my mind about being left behind because I accepted where I was physically, mentally, and emotionally. All I could do was my best, and that was what I set out to do for the rest of the ride to Austin. My team met up with me about a mile or so down the way, and something in me kicked into overdrive and I started to pedal <i>hard</i>. I reached the perfect cruising pace with them, keeping up mostly with Angel and Sam, and then I discovered that I was actually leading them for a bit! It was beautiful in that there I was just a little bit before, feeling sad and sorry for myself with thoughts of giving up my dream, until I decided to fully accept and support myself when they came along and I somehow turned into a leader. I didn't lead the rest of the ride, but that window of realization of my weakness being turned into my strength and being "left behind" was my choice <i>in life</i> turned this seemingly life-long struggle on its head. I choose to lead now, and I'm really excited about where I'm going, on and off the bike.<br />
<br />
I couldn't have done the ride without my friends and family. All of my
social media outlets combined with texts all day and into the night, I
was constantly reminded that I really could do this ride, that I was
doing a great job no matter what, and there were so many people behind
me, cheering me on. I was especially excited to hear from Cynthia, my MS
champion! She's a really cool lady, and I look forward to meeting her
one day. My family really came through for me, and I was delighted to get so many texts from them, one in particular read, "Do what u can. We are proud of what u have accomplished to this point. You have gone farther than any Connell/Ball has gone before on any bike on the road to date. LVU." It was a proud moment for all of us, I believe! Thanks to everyone who came along on this ride with me in spirit, prayer, and words of love, and thanks to my team, especially our fearless and wonderful leader Rachel, for being so amazing, so loving, and so wonderfully graceful and encouraging the entire way.SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-83408565569798144562013-04-19T09:23:00.000-07:002013-04-19T09:50:50.692-07:00Before My MS150 RideNormally, I post after an event, but I wanted to generate some excitement for this weekend, and perhaps some prayer as well for all those involved in the bike ride. I also have a few reflections since I have been riding my bike leading up to the event! <br />
<br />
Before I begin: If you'd like to donate to the cause, <a href="http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR/Bike/TXHBikeEvents?px=11647243&pg=personal&fr_id=20226" target="_blank">go here and you can donate to my page</a> or <a href="http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR/Bike/TXHBikeEvents?pg=team&fr_id=20226&team_id=311731" target="_blank">go to my team's page and you can find someone who may not have all of their funds raised</a>! <br />
<br />
A few years ago, I read this book by Donald Miller called <u>A Million Miles in a Thousand Years</u>. It's basically a story about stories, and it's an incredible, inspiring read for everyone, even nonreligious, as it depicts the hearts of people who have their wonderful stories because<i> they want a better story</i>. (That's what I believe it to be, anyway, but it's been a while, so hey, read it yourself!) In this book, Miller talks about a bike tour he did, and I came out of it with an inspiration to do my own bike tour. There was only one thing: I didn't have a bike. Ok, there were 2 things: I didn't even know how to ride a bike. I, being the bright and resourceful person I am, had an epiphany! "Why don't I ask someone at my church - which is kind of well known as a "hipster church" with tons and tons of cyclists - if I could borrow a bike?!" Genius, right?! So, I asked around, and who else but the lead pastor, Gideon, hands me this really sweet Bianchi with a smile and probably a few wishes of good luck and such. Apparently, this bike was the village bicycle (not to be confused with any misogynistic references as this isn't that kind of church). A few members had ridden it, and it was entrusted to me to take this bike and give it another story - <i>my story</i>.<br />
<br />
This was 3 years and about 30 pounds ago. I did not know anything about cycling and I did not exercise that much prior to this learning experience. Needless to say, I was a bit rusty. I rode around my apartment complex for what seemed like forever a few times, only to find that after huffing and puffing and blowing everything down, I had exerted all of my energy in... 15 minutes. Pumping up the tires was trying for me then! Seriously. I thought to myself, "How in the HELL am I going to do a tour like this?" I kept trying and kept trying, figuring out this foreign machine, talking to people about touring, following around beautiful men in cycling gear around Whole Foods and asking them for their information so we could talk cycling/touring. <br />
<br />
And then, one morning when I was helping a temporary roommate move out, she looked over to where her bike had been chained up and said, "Where's my bike?" To which I said, "I don't know... OMGWHEREISMINE?!?!??!" Someone had hit up the complex the night before and got 5 bikes in our little block. It was devastating for everyone, but I felt the most of it. The village bicycle: gone. My touring dreams: deeply bruised. My guilt over the whole situation: magnified to the nth degree. I apologized to Gideon and everyone I knew who had ever ridden the bike, and continued a silent self-hatred over the whole thing for a few years, laying my dream to the side.<br />
<br />
Up until now, we see a girl, 3 years younger than today, who is really out of shape, feeling guilty for someone else's wrong-doing, and allowing her dreams to be tarnished by an act of theft. Three years go by and she has run 2 5k's, had a personal trainer for a year, enrolled in boxing lessons, hiked up Chimney Rock, NC, twice, became a gym rat and circuit training "queen," done a 60-day juice fast, gone mostly-vegan, and done a Bikram yoga challenge. Today, this girl is the strongest she has ever, ever been by engaging in a spectrum of activities and fueling her body with beautiful fruits and veggies, meanwhile overcoming a life long of physical illnesses and I-cannot-do-this syndrome. Above all, she still dreams of touring on a bicycle, starting in Seattle and ending in Savannah, and this weekend - TOMORROW - she takes a giant leap toward that dream with the MS150 ride from Houston to Austin.<br />
<br />
When my friend, Rachel Rische, announced at church that they were getting a team together for the MS150 ride, I knew that I would be overcoming so many things: my fear (which, I'll be honest, I still have shreds of leading up to tomorrow and Sunday), my mind, and my guilt. Last Sunday, I went up to Gideon and told him about my guilt, my shame, and my need for resolution. "I haven't even thought about it since you told me about it!" he said, gave me a big hug, and wished me well. [Cue: Sigh of relief!] I guess I just needed him to say it.<br />
<br />
So, I need you, my dear reader, to know that I've done my best to ride bikes leading up to this weekend. My friend, Lindsay, graciously lent me her bike for the ride. I biked a lot during SXSW. [Check off that New Year's resolution from 3 years ago!] I tried riding on stationary bikes at the gym to get a feel for prolonged saddle time that mostly resulted in what I perceive is a bruised coccyx. I joined a cycling group, thanks to my friend Tawny Villain (Coolest name in the Universe!), called the Bikin' Betties where a bunch of seriously awesome ladies ride bikes and my 8-year-old I-wish-I-lived-in-a-neighborhood-so-I-could-ride-bikes-with-my-friends-and-feel-cool self is the happiest she has ever been. For the future, I'm envisioning a Savannah Red cycling group with matching outfits. I've done the scout-a-route and Tuesday Night Ladies' rides with Mellow Johnny's and met some super seriously kick ass people, and some who I believe are kick ass deep down inside they are just afraid to show it. I've gotten way too many flat tires for my taste, but hey, I'm still learning. (Huge shout out to Lee and Chalo and the rest of the guys at East Side Pedal Pushers for always taking care of me!) I've learned new ways to get around the city that I am in love with! I've even ridden past places I tried to bike around those 3 years ago, seeing mental images of myself making the most effort I could muster, and sending the old me a lot of love as I ride by with a smile of gratitude and love for who she was and who I am now. <br />
<br />
I'm looking forward to this weekend with so much excitement, joy, and love, especially after this crazy week we've had, and there is something I haven't mentioned yet. I know that this cycling journey has been mostly about just my own obstacles that I've overcome, but I'm riding for multiple sclerosis as well, particularly for a woman named Cynthia. The money we raise for the ride goes to research, advocacy, and to help people like her and so many others to overcome the challenges they face every single day. When I received the packet that said I was riding <i>for </i>someone, I teared up because it is clearly not solely my journey, and it hasn't been even up until now. I'm honored to be apart of this journey with her, for her, to take my friend's bike as far as I can go - hopefully, the whole way to Austin - and defeat a million demons along the way for both of us. I ask for your prayers of love, support, safety, hydration, and anything else you can think of.<br />
<br />
No matter what, I'm biking across that finish line in Austin somehow. <a href="http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR/Bike/TXHBikeEvents?sid=7040&type=fr_informational&pg=informational&fr_id=20226" target="_blank">I hope to see you there!</a> SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-70819597109819889332013-04-08T12:58:00.001-07:002013-04-08T13:18:26.167-07:00Bikram... Finally!Have you ever experienced something so phenomenal that you didn't know exactly how to put it into words? That is Bikram yoga to me. Yes, it was hot. Yes, it hurt a bit. Yes, I did not want to go at times but made myself anyway. The 90-day challenge I signed up for literally changed my life in so many ways, and I'm really excited to share this experience.<br />
<br />
Before I begin, I'd like to admit something. I realize I'm not exactly shy on this blog of mine, I pretty much just let it flow, but there are things I don't talk about sometimes because I don't know <i>how</i> to talk about them. From mid-December to mid-February, I found myself in a well of depression that I didn't fully understand. It was different than any other period of sadness before because I felt as though I just couldn't make myself do hardly anything. The only thing I felt I could do was Bikram yoga. There were 3 family deaths and 2 suicides of people I knew during this time period, and in the middle of that were what I saw as failure after failure after failure - in seemingly every aspect of my life - and for someone who comes from a family of overachievers and pushes herself to be at superhero level in every single thing that she does every single day (Seriously, this was literally my mindset.), each blow seemed debilitating and I felt trapped. Bikram yoga was my medicine, and I came out of that very dark time with so much self-respect, self-love, and healing than I'd ever imagined.<br />
<br />
I don't think anyone can forget their first Bikram class! Instructors will say to new students at the end of class, "Congratulations! You'll never have to take your first Bikram yoga class again!" and everyone laughs, but it's true and it's probably the most amazing phrase you'll ever hear. It's pretty brutal, and I don't know how I signed up for the 90-day challenge right after the class ended, but I did. And there I was, the 2nd day of class, wondering what in the hell I'd gotten myself into.<br />
<br />
I've done Bikram yoga on a full stomach. I've done it dehydrated. I've done it with a hangover. I've done it sleep-deprived. I've done it with headaches, stomach aches, sinus infections, allergies, and other ailments. I've done it mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I've done it twice in one day. I've done it to escape my life. I've done it to save my life. I've done it on my birthday. I've done it alone. I've done it with friends. I've even done it with my shirt off! (This is now my preferred method as it's hard to go back to wearing more clothes when you sweat so much.) A 90-day challenge will push you to do whatever you can to make it to class every day. I learned exactly what not to do in the process, but at the same time, I learned a ton about hydration, time management, choices, sacrifices, values, and a ton of other things too many to list.<br />
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So, yeah, Bikram yoga is effin hot. 90 glorious minutes. 108-110 degrees. (104 on a good day if the instructor isn't paying attention!) The humidity is about 40-50%. If the class is small, you're super grateful because you can sweat in peace. If it's packed [Think: A tiny room that can barely fit 60 mats, side by side, end to end, with everyone dripping sweat.], just grin and bear it because there. will. be. someone. else's. sweat. on. you. After a while, you don't even know whose sweat belongs to whom. This was a slightly terrifying thought for me at the first experience of random-person-dribble, but I somehow learned to embrace it as though it was our secret handshake as if to say, "Hey, stranger! Nice to see you sweating your balls off! See you tomorrow, pal!" It's an intimate practice in more ways than one. ;) (Side note: My favorite practices are when there is someone in the room who sweats SO MUCH that when we get into tree pose, it sounds like a tiny waterfall is coming from their body. I LOVE IT! I not-secretly-now want to be one of those people one day because it shows that they are working hard and they're really, beautifully hydrated.)<br />
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As you may have read before, when I was 18, I herniated my L4/L5 spinal disc. For 9 years, I struggled with a relatively constant pain, some times more worse than others (like the times I could barely walk or sit comfortably or the time I somehow forced myself to crawl to the car to drive myself to the ER), but it became something I was just used to. It was a new normal, this pain I had. I was given strict orders by doctors to not dance or exercise too much to agitate it, even though I was advised to lose weight because that would decrease the pressure on the disc and make the pain lessen. (Catch 22 much?) I wasn't "allowed" to lift more than 15 lbs. at a time. I was advised not to wear high heels. Etc. Etc. Etc. That's all in the past now, thank God, because I believe with my entire being that practicing Bikram yoga healed my spine. There are 26 postures in Bikram that are repeated every single class in the same exact sequence, and most of them are spine bending postures. I have zero doubt in my mind that my body healed itself through these postures. I was told it would probably happen, but I wasn't sure until I came out of those 3 months feeling like I had a brand new back, most likely stronger than it has ever been. This is such a huge victory for me! My almost-decade of pain and struggle - gone. Can you imagine the tears I cried when I realized this? I'm getting emotional just writing about it. Bikram Choudhury developed this specific yoga practice in order to heal the body with the body, and seeing that manifest in real life, in my own body, was literally a dream come true.<br />
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My favorite part of Bikram yoga is realizing that it is such a mental exercise, and that your practice translates to the rest of your life. There were days where I wouldn't push myself because I felt insecure that I wasn't very advanced or ashamed that I was the largest person in the room or guilty that I didn't actually want to be there or < insert excuse here ><insert excuse="" here="">, and I saw that I was feeling those same things about my work or my body or in my relationships. Some days, I left still feeling that way, but mostly, I realized that my body could do the work, it was just my mind that was using whatever excuse to defeat what I was actually doing that was good for me. So, in this time period of quiet darkness and uncertainty, I held fast to this knowledge that everything is actually good, I just needed to refocus my mind. It was a constant exercise, and it went beyond just the practice room.</insert><br />
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One morning after a really hard week emotionally, I was in a class and I had a big moment when we were lying on the floor between postures. It was quiet, but I could hear everyone breathing almost harmoniously. It was beautiful, and in that moment, I realized that we were all one person, doing our best, sweating it out - <i>together</i>. They didn't know that insecurities from my childhood that I thought were defeated had somehow resurfaced. They didn't know that a family member had passed away or someone I knew in college took his own life. They didn't know that I had failed in my business in more ways than one. They didn't know that it took everything in me to simply walk in that room because I felt like a failure, isolated and alone, but at some point, it dawned on me that I didn't know anything about any of them either. When I saw us moving together, felt our dynamic energy swirl around the room, and heard our breathing like human versions of crickets chirping, whatever emotional baggage that I'd been carrying seemed to disappear because I was, in fact, not alone and I was, in fact, totally ok. It was liberating and unifying for me/us.<br />
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I knew that Bikram yoga was known for developing a community, one that has been made fun of as being "cult-like," but there's really something special about this practice that brings people together. Every practice is different for every person, that's true. It is an individual practice where each person focuses himself/herself solely on himself/herself, that's also true. People of all levels - brand new yogis to National Yoga Championship winners (Yes, they exist!) - are doing their own practices in the same room, true again. Yet somehow, someway, this amazing connection happens. It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced, and I'm so grateful that my life coach, <a href="http://www.newearthcenter.com/" target="_blank">Mark Scherer</a>, challenged me in a class of his where I met <a href="http://www.purebikramyoga.com/" target="_blank">PURE Bikram Yoga</a> owners, Jeff and Mardy Chen, and 2 instructors, both named Nora, to meet him one Sunday morning at 9am to <b>sweat, have fun, and just stay in the room</b>. SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-44750144763715856482013-01-09T08:58:00.000-08:002013-01-09T09:27:59.554-08:00Growing Hair, Growing UpWell, as you should know by now, I shaved my head at the end of August. It was an experience unlike any other. My former roommate, Kadi, made a video of the experience. You can check it out <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LmFpqf2v9w" target="_blank">here</a>. Thank you, Kadi! :)<br />
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I originally shaved my head as a way to fill my self-love cup to the brim, and I believe today that cup is overflowing in the most incredible way. I walk a little taller. I speak a bit clearer. I listen to myself. I honor myself. It took a few months to get there though, and I knew there would be an adjustment period and time of intense learning before I felt the full effects of my commitment.<br />
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At the end of 1985, I graced an unsuspecting world with my presence. (You guys had NO CLUE what was upon you when I was born, did you?!) And into this world I came with a full head of hair. I had never known life without hair! My mom gave me a horrible boy haircut when I was in 2nd grade that I was convinced had scarred me for life until last year, but that was about as short as I went until I shaved my head. So, this was a big sensory experience, feeling my full scalp for the first time ever. (I might have gone skinny dipping later that night for an even bigger sensory experience. It was pretty much amazing.) I loved the shaved head so much, and I have heard people say, "Oh, you should keep it bald! It looks great on you!" To which I would reply, "Yeah, I have a good melon!" But the whole idea was to allow my hair to grow back, healthy and natural, and learn something there.<br />
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Have I learned something? I've learned a million things, all of which I don't have the time or memory to completely recall, but one big - no, HUGE - lesson was this:<b> I needed to grow up.</b><br />
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In early October, when the tiny hairs were peeking their little selves out of my scalp, I was rushing around getting things ready for a fashion show, and I had to make my way across town in high traffic time to pick up a friend and make it to the venue by a certain time. I drove like a bat out of Hell, more so than usual, and crap in my car that had been piling up for forever was flying all over the place. Finally, I took a turn and a bunch of unnecessary trash spilled into my leg area, making it even more unsafe for me to drive. In my frustration, I yelled, "GOD! It's like I live with a child!" And then, immediately after that as if I were automatically a completely different person, I said to myself, sternly yet calmly, "Anslee, YOU'RE the child." Damn. I just got school - <i>by me.</i><br />
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In this moment, I realized that my hair kind of represented my life stage at the time. Let me break it down for you a bit.<br />
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So, check it:<br />
1) I had a car that was full of trash and other stuff that I was neglecting to deal with. <br />
2) I hadn't fully moved into my house. About 75% of my belongings were still in the garage, in boxes, all over the place because I kept saying I would "get to it later/gradually." (Uh huh.)<br />
3) I was spending money like crazy, and rather irresponsibly.<br />
4) I never cleaned unless I absolutely had to.<br />
5) I was eating a bunch of toxic foods, mostly in an act of rebellion against those who tried to hold me accountable. This list includes myself.<br />
6) In every way, business-wise and personally, I was completely unorganized - and well known for it.<br />
7) My time management skills were practically nonexistent.<br />
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Now, imagine a small child or teenager. Does most of the aforementioned list apply to them? It totally does, doesn't it?! YIKES, GUYS! Upon this realization, I broke down. I broke down <i>hard</i>, friend. It was real, real deep, but it was so good. The saying "The first step is identifying the problem," couldn't have been more true. I needed to really suck it up, grow up, take responsibility for my life, and fix the areas that needed attention and/or repair. A few nights after that, I spent 3 hours organizing the cabinet under my bathroom sink. 3 hours. It was exhausting, but it was progress.<br />
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Like with any big change, it doesn't happen overnight, but the commitment was there. By the beginning of December, I had fully moved into my house as my new roommate was moving in, with all of my belongings in place, organized, and clean. I was so jazzed to have everything put together that I would just stare at it! It was something that I had never seen before in my own life, only imagined or saw in magazines or in other people's homes. There weren't a bunch of boxes or bags filled with random, questionable things. I donated a huge pile of stuff as well. Getting rid of things, clearing out the clutter, cleaning it all up was on my To Do List for most of my life, and scratching that off was not only a relief, but a release.<br />
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How is this related to my health? There is an emotional/mental side of getting organized and clearing out the unnecessary things in your life to make room for the good things to come in. In my laziness to really grow up and handle all of these things (and several others - this was just a huge lesson that I wanted to write about!), I was essentially hoarding all of these emotions with it that were getting in the way of my mental/emotional/physical/spiritual success. It is all connected, and learning this connectedness and how it relates to my forward motion commitment to myself was something that blew my mind. It needed to be done, so I did it.<br />
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I'm still working on my business organization. It's a little difficult during the winter to work in my garage (my new studio space!), but I'm making it with my little space heater, my assistant, and my determination to get this awesome life of Anslee to be a well-oiled machine for success, happiness, and love. I'm excited about what I'm learning, and I'm so thankful that my hair - my hair! Really?! - showed me some areas that were truly holding me back so I can drop kick them, tackle them, and show them how it's really done. <br />
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This is my life, right? It's up to me to make it the best it can possibly be, to shine brightly, and to be an example to others. I'm grateful for these opportunities to learn and grow, and I know there are more ahead of me in this journey! SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-43382229303127920482012-12-30T21:34:00.003-08:002012-12-30T21:50:05.739-08:00A little juice 'll do ya!*Infomercial voice* Are you tired of slaving away at the gym, getting nowhere in your workout routine but tired? Are you sick of counting calories? Do you just want an easy, no brainer way to lose weight without feeling like you're killing yourself? Look no further! Start a juice cleanse today! *Cheesy grin and pose with a glass of green juice*<br />
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Ok, it's not exactly like that... but it's kind of exactly like that! Juicing is so easy, but there are ways to screw it up, too, so don't just take my advice, but educate yourself as much as possible if you're committed to doing this. It's a super easy way to lose weight, but don't forget that it is also hard mental work, and if you're committed to health, keep a good diet and exercise regimen for after the fast. Don't just rely on juice. It helps, but it's all up to you from there on out as it's hard to subsist on juice alone.<br />
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I'm posting this as requested from several people who want to join me in my New Year's Juice Cleanse! I'm doing 6 weeks of fresh, raw juice. I may go for a full 60 days, but I am fully committed to 6 weeks for now. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I'd love to assist you and/or point you in the right direction. [Note: I am not certified in this or considered an expert of any kind in this type of thing. Please consult a physician and don't sue me for anything. You're making this decision on your own and I am not responsible for your actions. Consider this my legal disclaimer!]<br />
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<b>Step 1: Watch the documentary <a href="http://www.hulu.com/watch/289122" target="_blank">"Fat, Sick, & Nearly Dead"</a> </b>and visit the <a href="http://www.jointhereboot.com/" target="_blank">website</a> for lots of information, recipes, testimonials, etc. It changed my life. My former roommate, Kadi, told me to watch the doc as I was flipping out about doing the juice fast the first time (I committed to 60 days without even giving it a thought... then flipped out about it when stress hit me a few days later. Oh, former Anslee was so silly!) and it was not only helpful in calming any apprehensions I had, but it was informative and inspiring.<br />
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Funny story - I was in such a sour mood about doing the juice fast the first time (Like my mom was forcing me to do it or something? I'm not exactly sure what my problem was. I made the decision all on my own!) that I watched the documentary in secret, in my bedroom, as quiet as possible so my roommate couldn't hear that I was doing what she had calmly requested me to do. I was so bitter about it! Then, I watched it and thought, "I AM SO DOING THIS! AND I'M GONNA KICK ASS!" I think Kadi laughed at me as I admitted to her that I stealthily watched it behind her back and came to the conclusion that a) she was right, b) it was something we needed to do, and c) I really was going to do it with her. (I'm laughing at myself as I type all of this, by the way. I hope you're laughing reading this! If you know me at all, I'll bet you are!)<br />
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<b>Step 2: Get a juicer!</b> I got the one Joe uses in the doc, the <a href="http://www.brevilleusa.com/juice-fountain-plus-je98xl.html" target="_blank">Breville Juice Fountain Plus</a>. It's a wonderful juicer! Easy to clean and maintain. It's like a part of the family after you use it. I've traveled with it. It's awesome! If you can't find that, or don't like it for whatever reason, just find one that will juice whole fruits and vegetables that is best suited for you. There are soooo many to choose from, which is why we decided on the Breville JFP (My, how hipster of me just now!) because it was easy as it was the one used in the film.<br />
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<b>Step 3: Stock up your fruits and veggies!</b> So easy. Make sure that your juicer can juice everything you buy. Some fruits and veggies need a little prep like peeling oranges or lemons, and some juicers can't do certain things, so make sure to read the information that comes with your juicer about what you are able to juice with it and/or what it will take to juice things.<br />
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<b>Step 4: Drink your fresh juice!</b> If you're lost as far as recipes go, just go to the website I posted in Step 1 and there are plenty of recipes there. They sell books on the subject, too. Since the documentary has aired, I imagine there have been plenty of resources to come out about it. Do your research! Talk to people about it!<br />
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Note: Talk to me about it if you need to, dear reader and friend. Put me on your speed dial - I don't care if you text me 3 times a day! Any way that I can help you achieve your optimal health results through juicing, let me know, but I'll go ahead and warn you: I'm not going to hold your hand. You're doing this for yourself. If you give me a list of excuses or worries or blahblahblah *insert whining here*, I'll let you know right now that I'm not an enabler of that kind of stuff - because I used to be, and I used to victimize myself by these same excuses and reasons to, essentially, NOT take care of myself. (Erin Wehrmann, if you're reading this, we need to have lunch soon.) If you want to change your life, you have to love yourself enough [Notice I said LOVE, not HATE! Positive change comes from positive action and positive love circulating through you, otherwise it will not stick!] in order to keep your healthy commitment to yourself! We can walk together on this journey, but I will not push you. You can come here for encouragement any time, but remember that self-love you have inside you and do it for the beautiful, lovely, healthy-minded you! <br />
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<b>Tipsy Time!</b><br />
+Try to juice at least 4 times a day with about 20+ ounces each. I say this because you need to get enough calories to nourish your body. If you consume less than 1200 calories, your body goes into starvation mode and it can really damage your system. Some recipes have calorie counts, but look up the fruits and veggies that have the most caloric value if you are worried about it. (Pears, I believe, have about 100 calories. Kale may also have more calories.)<br />
+Juice organic! You get the most benefits from organic fruits and vegetables. They taste the best, too. <br />
+Juice more vegetables than fruits. Fruits are sweet (Duh.) and they taste amazing (Double duh.), but they raise your blood sugar (Womp womp.), so try to stick to more veggies in your juice recipe and lay off the fruit. It can be hard, but you'll receive more health benefits by avoiding the sweetness as much as possible. Try to treat yourself to a sweet juice once a day, or once a week! Whatever works best for you. Try, try, try to limit the sweets! <br />
+Stick to just juice and water the best you can. Yeah... I know. I love coffee, too, but trust me. After a few days, you won't need it and you'll wonder why you were ever addicted in the first place. (I can already hear your excuses... AND I LAUGH AT THEM! Just kidding!) ;) Coconut water is a good supplementary treat that helps with hydration. Kombucha and hot tea are ok. Use your best judgment. I've heard of people quitting smoking while they juice. If you're gonna quit solid foods, you might as well get rid of the other vices! Try it. Your body will loooooooove you for it!<br />
+Tired of juicing everything yourself? Go to Whole Foods! There are, like, a million Whole Foods in Austin now (Ok, just 3, but still.), and there are at least 2 Juicebox's, the Daily Juice Cafe, Juiceland, Gonzo Juice, and several other places offer fresh juice as well. (Including drink well. Fresh OJ. True story.) If you don't live in Austin, look up some places in your area that have juice bars. I'm sure there are a few places that you probably weren't aware of that offer juice!<br />
+New Earth Center is doing some cool stuff for New Year's juicers as well! Check 'em out here: <a href="http://www.newearthcenter.com/">http://www.newearthcenter.com/</a><br />
+Avoid packaged juice if you can! It is heated in the canning process, thus eliminating most of the benefits of fresh, live juice. Some of them add sugar, too. No bueno. Be hardcore! Juice raw! Yeah! You can do it!<br />
+Exercise. You'll feel good, and then, drink more juice. :)<br />
+Talk to people about it. Even if you're doing straight juice for just 3 days, I'll bet someone will congratulate you and say, "I could never do that! You are so awesome!" A) They're right! You ARE awesome! and B) They're wrong because they totally could do that! It's all mental. The point of this is that you're educating others about what you're doing, why you're doing it, and it's reinforcing your commitment to yourself by having these conversations. I talked A LOT the first 60 days. (Yes, even more than I already do.) You will meet some incredible people during this journey. I met my awesome life coach, Mark, during my first juice cleanse! He's just one of the lovely people who have enriched my life ever since.<br />
+Relax. You're not going to die. (Well, if you juice enough, you won't!) You'll eat solid foods again, I swear! Do stuff to take your mind off of it. Enjoy it. Remind yourself of the positive, great things you're doing for your body!<br />
+DO NOT EAT A CHEESEBURGER OUT OF TEMPTATION!!!! Seriously. At any point, do not eat heavy foods like this while you are juicing. Your body is making some very awesome adjustments during this process and if you do something silly and think, "Oh, I can have a steak after 14 days of a LIQUID DIET OF RAW PLANTS. No big deal." and go for it... I'll say some prayers for you because I don't think it will work out well. You need to reintroduce foods back into your diet after you finish this juice cleanse. A good site for breaking your juice fast is <a href="http://healingwithjuices.com/2009/08/break-a-juice-fast/" target="_blank">this one right here</a> or <a href="http://healingwithjuices.com/2009/08/break-a-juice-fast/" target="_blank">this one</a>!<br />
+The word "juices" makes me cringe. Just thought I'd share that. But here I am! Talking about them! :)<br />
+Celebrate! Go juice with people. Have a juice party! I'll bet you know some people who have wanted to try it, so encourage them to take the plunge! It can be so much fun, and I guarantee you'll learn a ton about yourself and the other person in this process!<br />
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If I left anything out, I'll post it in a follow up! <br />
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Some juice-related posts of mine that may help:<br />
<a href="http://angry-sugar.blogspot.com/2012/01/documentaries-will-kick-your-ass-lesson.html" target="_blank">Documentaries will kick your ass. Lesson learned.</a><br />
<a href="http://angry-sugar.blogspot.com/2012/02/perspective.html" target="_blank">Perspective!</a> (Little shout out to Heidi Wrabel!)<br />
<a href="http://angry-sugar.blogspot.com/2012/02/juice-fast-2012-so-what-am-i-doing.html" target="_blank">Juice Fast 2012: So, what AM I doing?!</a><br />
<a href="http://angry-sugar.blogspot.com/2012/03/bright-today-bright-future.html" target="_blank">Bright today, bright future.</a><br />
<a href="http://angry-sugar.blogspot.com/2012/03/balancing-act-i-am-what-i-eat.html" target="_blank">Balancing Act: I Am What I Eat</a><br />
<a href="http://angry-sugar.blogspot.com/2012/03/im-calling-it-miracle.html" target="_blank">I'm calling it a miracle. </a><br />
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I can't wait to hear your stories! Please, please share them. I would love to be apart of your journey and support you!<br />
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Thank you for reading this, friends! Sending you my love! Can't wait to start this! SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-2766127570242219692012-12-30T19:58:00.000-08:002012-12-30T20:11:51.484-08:00A little recap!GUYS! I know it has been a while since I've posted something, so for that, I deeply apologize! It's been so busy and awesome that I haven't been able to figure out what to write! That's a good problem, I suppose. ;) Anyway, I'll give you a little bit of a post about some cool stuff I've been learning and then I'll jump into some juicing stuff with a following post since I'm beginning a new juice cleanse on the 1st!<br />
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Ok, first thing- <b>Hair!</b>: My hair has grown SO MUCH, and so have I! It's been an amazing journey with my fresh, new, baby hair coming in, and I won't post anything about that yet (Gosh! I know! There's just so much to write that I need to save it! Trust me. You'll probably laugh and cry and laugh some more...) so just sit tight. The past few months have been cr-a-zy good working through some tough stuff.<br />
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<b>Dating</b>: Yeah, so, I made myself a new rule - "Don't post anything about the dudes in your life, Anslee. They seem to disappear after you do that." That's pretty self-explanatory. But honestly, I've learned a lot lately about healthy relationships, dating and platonic friendships alike, and how boundaries are supremely important. I'm talking about my boundaries with myself above all, mainly with consideration to the other person, and it was tough to begin with, but after a while, I realized how there is a deeper appreciation between the other person and myself. Plus, heartbreak... It happens, guys. That's part of dating, right? Figuring out what works for you, what doesn't, and deciding whether the person you're spending time with is THE ONE or not. That last guy was really awesome, and he kind of told me, in a roundabout way, that he saw that I was pretty much on my way to conquering the world (It's true, ok. So don't fight it!) and he didn't want to get in the way of that due to our differences. I didn't believe him until a few days ago when I woke up, immediately sat up in my bed, and said out loud, "Holy shit. That guy was so right. Thanks, guy!" I didn't want to get in his way either, so it worked out in it's own little sad-at-the-time way. I learned a lot in that mini relationship, and I am thankful for all of the blessings from those lessons that I get to carry with me now. [Cue: "Some day, my Prince will come!" Oh, Sleeping Beauty... Thanks for being there for me when I need ya!]<br />
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<b>Parents</b>: Christmas 2012 will go down in history as the First Annual Vegan Connell Christmas. I shit you not! Seriously. There was no animal product or by-product to be had at Christmas dinner for the first time EVER. Rewind to Thanksgiving when I sat my parents down after a great dinner together followed by an even better conversation (I am beyond blessed to have such open, loving, communicative parents!) and showed them the documentary "Forks Over Knives." Here's how it went.<br />
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Me: Mom... Dad... I would like to show you something if you don't mind. It's a documentary that can explain to you in a better way why I am choosing to go mostly vegan with my diet. Since you're medical professionals, I think you will understand where I am coming from and why I have made this choice. As you know, I did a juice fast this year that really helped me a whole lot and provided a ton of clarity, health benefits, and healing, and this documentary can help explain some of that and why I'm going to basically do more of it.<br />
Mom & Dad: *looking slightly concerned but open to new information that can explain why their daughter has jumped off the dietary deep end* Ok... Sure. Let's check it out. We're not doing anything else anyway.<br />
Me: Great! Now, I just want you to know that this isn't to persuade you or convince you of anything. I simply want to show you where I am coming from so you have a better understanding. *Start the documentary*<br />
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There were a few "Oh, wow. I didn't know that!"s and "Yeah, you are totally right!"s and then... My father, the radiologist and self-proclaimed carnivore says...<br />
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Dad: How can I get more information about this? How can I be one of those doctors in the film? Is there a training program? Can I read some books about this? ... ... ... <br />
Me: *jaw on the floor, looking up everything I can find on the internet about this subject as fast as humanly possible* Here we go! ... ... ... <br />
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And the rest is history. I got a text from Dad about a week later saying that he was a vegetarian (My heart practically stopped and then jumped for joy!) and that I've made more of an impact than I probably know!<br />
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Pause. Let's think about this for a second. I am the youngest person in my family of 5. I'm the baby girl. I'm "the artist." The "crazy one." The "weirdo liberal." You know, all of that stuff. I only dreamed of having this kind of support!<i> I remember talking about my decision to go mostly vegan as a prayer request during community prayer at my church because I was preparing for rejection!</i> Who knew they would be on board! I am completely elated, and I can't wait to see our progress as a family to a whole foods, plant-based diet. Our minds have changed, and our bodies are following suit. I am so, so thankful for these changes we are going through that are bringing us much closer as a family unit. (Did I mention that politics were brought up ONLY ONCE my entire Christmas visit?! Hello, Christmas miracle! Thank you, Baby Jesus!!!) I feel like I've won something. You know what, I may have!<br />
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<b>Bikram</b>: I started a 90-day bikram challenge! And ooooohhhhh mmmmyyyyy gooooooodnessssss I am IN LOVE! But... I'm saving that for another post soon, so watch out for that. (I am such a tease tonight, aren't I?! I can't help it! I've been needing to write for a long time about all kinds of stuff!) Good things come to those who wait, right?! ;)<br />
<br />
So, that's it for right now. There have been so many amazing things happening in my life that I can't wait to share - along with my goals for 2013. There are many, of course. Would you expect anything less? Didn't think so! Ok, I love you guys and I'm excited to post next about juicing, so come back in a little bit!<br />
<br />
LOVE!<br />
<!--3-->SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-515677384539070792012-11-09T08:23:00.000-08:002012-11-09T08:23:42.907-08:00A moment of gratitude.Sitting at my kitchen table just now, I found a pink strand of hair that was clinging to a placemat that my date and I used last night. It was lying there as if to say, "I'll just be here when you take a moment to notice me." Little pink follicle, I definitely see you this morning, and I am grateful for your fleeting presence here.<br />
<br />
I picked up the piece of hair, and when I touched it, part of me felt sorry for the way I treated it. There is an immediately recognizable difference between this hair and the new, natural hair that I've been growing. The old hair is brittle, lifeless, and obviously damaged, whereas the new is soft, thick, and luscious. As I wrap it around my finger and play with it a little bit, I realize I could easily break the frail, pink follicle, but something in me says that I've injured it enough, to let it rest and just be itself until it disappears or I simply throw it away.<br />
<br />
I just started dating an incredible man named Tim. Our relationship is still fresh out of the box, but I feel really, really good and confident about this one. I've requested that we take it slow and make no major declarations for a while as in the past, some of you may have noticed, I tend to rush things. I've spent my whole life rushing things and, in a way, manufacturing my own happiness (represented here by my pink hair), bypassing the natural progressions that are beautiful, essential, and often times complex yet also so simple. Last night, we had wine, made 2 amazing pizzas, and enjoyed each other's company, slowly and joyfully. Our time was delicious and sweet, with the Italian traditional music as our background noise and each other as our comedic and romantic audience. Slow, beautiful, natural, happy, healthy.<br />
<br />
My hair has taught me so many things in the short 2 months that it has been growing back and coming into its own. One rather unspoken reason why I decided to start over with my hair was because it directly ties into my own quest for love as opposed to lust or the disillusion of forged, impatient "love." I've processed, forgiven, and released my most recent past relationships for what they have taught me, especially where I rushed and manufactured things along the way. The pink hair that I found this morning is a tangible reminder of the journey that has led me to this path of natural, steady growth in all areas of my life, but especially my relationships. I'm grateful for its gentle reminder, and I wish it well on its own quiet, little voyage elsewhere.SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-17386939877818991372012-09-02T19:07:00.000-07:002012-09-02T19:07:02.375-07:00Why did I shave my head? Well, I'll tell you!I wore a white dress. The decision to shave my head had been
marinating in my mind for just over a month. I spent the majority of
that month preparing my body, and as a direct result, my mind also, by
juice fasting to get clear about my decision and my intentions for the
impending shave. I was ready.<br />
<br />
<br />
The idea of starting over had also been tossed around for years,
the only question was how it would happen. Moving away was the most
obvious option as it is typically what others choose when they need a
major change, but I love Austin too much to leave it. Business has been
great, so no need there. What could I start over?<br />
<br />
<br />
Hair color wise, I went red again for the first time in 5 years
in June after a small stint of pink. The red was fun, as was the pink,
but it didn't feel as much fun as I had wanted it to. Something in me
was changing. My hair had started to fall out from the almost year and a
half of going super platinum blonde from jet black. I think my hair had
simply had enough. Slowly, I figured out that so had I.<br />
<br />
<br />
When I started altering my hair color, I was about 13. I'm 26
now, so that's half of my life I've been living without seeing the real
color of my hair. In fact, I'd forgotten the true pigment of my natural
hair, so shaving it would be an inevitable way to find out what it
really is. I realized that around the same time that I was
coloring/bleaching my hair was in middle school, undoubtedly one of the
worst life stages a human could endure. You're awkward, unsure of what
your body is really doing, and most females at that time spend much of
their existence making themselves and each other miserable from that
time until, well, the end of high school if they are lucky.<br />
<br />
At
this time, my constant feeling about myself, unfortunately, was that I
was ashamed to be me. I have always known that I was really different
than most people my age - most people I knew, really - but I didn't see
that difference as special; I saw it as shameful. I thought of myself
as ugly and inadequate of anyone's love, so instead of fixing myself and
conquering my internal battle, I masked it by feigning an attempt at
looking normal. "Normal" - really, "beautiful" - in my hometown at that
time was blonde, skinny, and tan. I guess my 13-year-old self took all
of that one step at a time until I had exhausted and semi-achieved the
ideas of each notion one step at a time. (The skinny part was
semi-achieved by dropping a significant amount of weight in 8th grade,
but the depression in high school brought all of it back and much more.)
I no longer wanted to be normal by the time I was 21, but the mask of
my ever-changing hair color remained, and then I moved to Austin.<br />
<br />
<br />
Austin is a magical place, and incredibly safe for everyone. If
you have an idea, go for it! Everyone here supports you! If you have
varying interests, there is something or a group for you here. Don't eat
meat? Got you covered there, too! You're a cross-dressing homeless
person who wants to run for mayor? People will vote for you! Seriously, I
felt like I was in Heaven as soon as I crossed the City Limits sign!
After all of the internal work I'd done on myself right before I moved
here on self-love and self-esteem, I moved to the safest city on the
planet to be a freaking weirdo, and after 5 years, there was still a
shred of shame in my heart. Once I discovered it was still lingering
there with the help of my life coach, Mark, and what steps I had taken
so many years prior not to fix the problem, but to simply cover it up, I
knew what I had to do. So, I did it.<br />
<br />
<br />
Through several years of counseling, supportive friends, a loving
family, and amazing moments of self-enlightenment, I reached a
self-love capacity of about 99%. That's pretty great! But I was hungry
for that 1% I was lacking, and I didn't feel it until I shaved my head.<br />
<br />
<br />
In my white dress, with 6 awesome friends supporting me, we cut
and shaved my head together on Friday night. As my former self-hatred
was literally being clipped away, my nervous excitement turned into joy
and love. I was closing an entire book of shame and disgust, with
beautiful, transformational moments throughout, and writing a new story -
a love story! - with fresh, blank pages eager to be filled with
positive affirmations, focusing on inner beauty as a perfectly created,
loving human.<br />
<br />
<br />
I am so excited to be on this journey of growth with my new,
natural, healthy hair! I simply want the best for myself, and this part
of my body I had knowingly damaged - along with every part attached to it, subconsciously - for half of my life will now know 110% love for the first time since I can remember.<br />
<br />
<br />
How beautiful is that?<br />
<br />
<br />
I am really, really happy.SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-33446854684510206472012-05-25T08:05:00.001-07:002012-05-25T08:08:32.162-07:00"If you only dream when you're asleep, then when you wake up, there's still nothing there."When I was younger, I could fall asleep pretty much anywhere, anytime. If I was tired, I was out and I stayed out until it was time for me to wake up. I would sleep walk and sleep talk and do all kinds of funny things while I slept, but I never woke up. It was very rare that I would wake up at night. I slept through hurricanes, tornadoes, and all kinds of really loud stuff. I was pretty awesome at sleeping. <br />
<br />
After I moved to Austin, I had a really hard time falling asleep and staying asleep. I had a roommate who got a puppy that wasn't being properly loved and taken care of, so she would bark all night while the roommate was sleeping elsewhere. That started a pattern of insomnia in me that lasted for about 4.5 years. When I started my business, sleeping was almost impossible due to excitement, and then it became almost impossible due to anxiety and lack of time management. Thankfully, I got those things pretty much under control, but I still couldn't sleep.<br />
<br />
My oldest brother, Chris, delicately approached me one day about looking into <a href="http://www.helpguide.org/life/sleep_apnea.htm" target="_blank">sleep apnea</a>. He was afraid that I had it, which struck a fear in me that I would be sleeping with an oxygen mask, so I never really looked into it. That's a sure way to take responsibility - by <i>avoiding</i> it. (I roll my eyes at my former self.) Regardless of whether or not I had this, I knew that my lack of sleep was a serious issue and it was most likely causing some serious health problems in my body.<br />
<br />
"[I]nsulin sensitivity and levels of two appetite-related hormones -- leptin and
ghrelin -- can be affected by sleep deprivation, which could impact
weight. Leptin is associated with appetite control and ghrelin has been
identified as an appetite stimulant. During sleep deprivation, leptin
levels fall and ghrelin levels rise," says Miranda Hitti of <a href="http://www.webmd.com/diet/news/20041116/sleep-more-to-fight-obesity" target="_blank">WebMD Health News</a>. So, when we sleep less, we are hungrier and less satiated. Good to know. Your brain is the powerhouse to your body, right? When it is unable to rest properly, it is still stimulated and wants to keep functioning as if it were awake. I know that when I wake up really early and go to sleep really late, I tend to eat more throughout that day because my brain is awake and keeping me going, so my body needs fuel. It makes sense that our bodies crave more when we have less sleep in order for us to function. Also, according to the <a href="http://www.health.harvard.edu/press_releases/importance_of_sleep_and_health" target="_blank">Harvard Women's Health Watch</a>, "Chronic sleep deprivation may cause weight gain by affecting the way our
bodies process and store carbohydrates, and by altering levels of
hormones that affect our appetite."<br />
<br />
Damn carbs, right? Nah, just kidding! Carbs are good for you - the <i>right</i> carbs [Read: Veggies, mainly, but nonprocessed, complex carbs are best in place of refined white breads and the like.] - but if we don't sleep well, they can be quite a burden. Man, if only I knew all of this years ago... (Yeah. It wouldn't have changed anything. Let's just be real.)<br />
<br />
So, one major thing I noticed with the help of my most recent ex-boyfriend (Yes, the one from the last post. We broke up. It sucked but it was for the best.) is that since the juice fast and the exercise and losing weight, I fall asleep almost immediately when I go to bed and I stay asleep. It's like my old sleeping habits from when I was younger have returned! Hallelujah! I get some pretty awesome sleep these days and I've cured my insomnia that I've had for the past 5 or so years. I wake up refreshed and excited to start the day, not all angry and tired and gross like before. My lifestyle is healthier, so my sleep is better. I never knew it could be changed so dramatically and so quickly. It feels like a miracle. I used to take Tylenol PM just to get a semi-good night's rest when all I really had to do was adopt a better diet, get some exercise, and presto! Magic. Amazing!<br />
<br />
The biggest lesson I've learned from this is how the body can really heal itself. That's the voyage I set out to discover when I started the juice fast, and it is ringing truer and truer every day. All you have to do is treat it right. "Your body is a temple," is something we have all heard (Thanks to the ol' B-I-B-L-E!), but it is resoundingly correct. Your temple needs love so it can love you and allow you to live your days in peace, love, harmony, and health. So, take care of it - and get some sleep! :)SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-88178235080099009992012-05-04T11:30:00.000-07:002012-05-04T12:47:27.648-07:00After the fast...There is so much to say that it's almost overwhelming to write! Life has been so beautiful, rich, and busy lately, especially since completing the juice fast. I'll try to stay short-winded for all of this just to give an update. I'll delve into more specifics in a later post.<br /><br />The day after my last post, I got my heart broken. I won't get into any details here, but I found myself to be surprisingly resilient and it brought on a reflection of how I would choose to deal with heartbreak in the past. [Read: Cupcakes.] This was one of the most empowering instances I've encountered while juicing because I chose myself and my life, my happiness, my future over destroying my body with toxicity. Of course, I cried and all of that, but the way I dealt with my emotions is very clear to me that I have committed myself to a positive change for my body. I went to the gym or went for a walk when I needed to release some frustration or sadness. I chose to move instead of consume, and I am 125% confident that I was able to work through the sadness rather quickly by making the healthy choices that I did. This was a huge victory for me, the reformed Break-up Cupcake Queen.<br /><br />That Friday, I met one of the biggest inspirations of my life: Joe Cross, director and star of "Fat, Sick, & Nearly Dead." Whole Foods was hosting a screening of the film as part of CleanseATX's rounding out of their 10-day challenge. As we waited to see the film, my roommate, Kadi, and I recorded our experiences for their website that you can view <a href="http://www.cleanseatx.com/">here</a>, and we spoke to others who were involved with CleanseATX and/or doing their challenge. We met some incredible people who have some seriously amazing gifts that they shared with us, mainly their love and wisdom. One of them, Mark, really captivated both of us with the clarity and insight he has found through studying the body and through language mastery. He and several others were very kind to share their experiences and to listen to our stories as well.<br /><br />Those were some really wonderful experiences that have shown me a great deal about how choosing this juice fast has made such an incredible impact on my life, but there's still one more situation that I cannot go without sharing.<br /><br />At some point during the last couple of weeks, I decided to join OkCupid.com just on a whim. Honestly, I was excited about getting back into eating solid foods, so I figured I would go on some dates where at least I wouldn't have to pay for it. I know! I'm horrible! But that was my logic, and you all know how honest I am. (Guilty. Haha!) I met some really cool people on there who were amazed and supportive, but I got to talking to one person who I found out was also a trainer. Now, my intentions for this site were to go on dates where I could at least get some free food out of it (which sounds so horrible and is very unlike me, I assure you), but for some reason, my immediate reaction to this guy was to set up our first date as a training session.<br /><br />Now, stop for a second. WHAT?! I asked a guy to train me for our first date without hesitation?! Who am I?! And why was I breaking my take-me-out-to-dinner plan?! For whatever reason, it just felt right, so I went with it. Before the juice fast, I wouldn't have done anything remotely like that. I would have been too insecure, too out of shape, and too timid to ever suggest anything like that, but there I was, in my workout clothes at Barton Springs, getting my ass handed to me by an amazing personal trainer and falling completely in love with him all at the same time. It's been just over 2 weeks since we've met, and I know that I've found my perfect partner who loves me so much to support me in the next chapter of my life after the fast and will be there right beside me, working my ass out along the way! :)<br /><br />I never dreamed that life would work out this way, but it makes sense that when you change up your routine, go do something completely different, that results will follow, no matter what they may be. My body feels amazing and alive. My heart feels full and happy. My world feels joyous and abundant. And all I did was drink fresh juice for 60 days and add some exercise. It's really that simple. I can't guarantee that everyone who does this will find the same results because everyone is different, but I would recommend trying it out if you're ready to see some miraculous changes in your life.<br /><br />I thank the Lord for these experiences and the countless others I've yet to mention. This journey has been a blessing, and it will continue to be as I venture on to greater health and wisdom through loving myself by choosing my best self above all.<br /><br />Thank you for being with me.SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-76290487968798718552012-03-26T19:30:00.000-07:002012-03-27T12:42:17.628-07:00My language with food.<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:documentproperties> <o:revision>0</o:Revision> <o:totaltime>0</o:TotalTime> <o:pages>1</o:Pages> <o:words>1312</o:Words> <o:characters>7484</o:Characters> <o:company>savannahred</o:Company> <o:lines>62</o:Lines> <o:paragraphs>17</o:Paragraphs> <o:characterswithspaces>8779</o:CharactersWithSpaces> <o:version>14.0</o:Version> </o:DocumentProperties> <o:officedocumentsettings> <o:allowpng/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> 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name="Bibliography"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" qformat="true" name="TOC Heading"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <!--StartFragment--> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Georgia;"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;">I think about food all the time, but not just about consuming it. I think about cooking it almost constantly these days, so I'm wondering if my obsession is more than just putting it in my body; it seems to be more of a language for me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Georgia;"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;">Since I can remember, I have enjoyed cooking for people. I would get up early on the weekends and make everyone breakfast in bed. That usually meant hard scrambled eggs (I mean <i>really</i> hard), some form of juice or milk, and probably toast or cereal. I didn't know how to make much in the way of breakfast, but I would often even go to the lengths of printing out a menu and asking everyone to order something. Sometimes, I would create special items that I knew we didn't have or I didn't know how to make, so I would say, as I learned from restaurants, "Oh, I'm sorry. We are all out of that! Could I make you some scrambled eggs? They're my specialty!" (Yeah, I was pretty cute back in the day.) After breakfast stuff, Mom taught me how to make grilled cheese, then spaghetti, then all kinds of stuff, so by the time I was in college, I had a bunch of simple recipes I could share with my friends that were both delicious and easy. I was also a very picky eater growing up, so I knew if I could eat it, most of the people I knew could eat it. That idea was very appealing to me.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;">During my first year of college, I decided to go on the <a href="http://www.southbeachdiet.com/sbd/publicsite/index.aspx"><span style="text-decoration:none;text-underline:nonecolor:blue;">South Beach Diet</span></a> to lose weight and control my insulin resistance, and I fell in love with most of the recipes from the first book I got. I loved cooking things from the book, and I would often invite people over for a meal to introduce them to my new eating lifestyle. One thing that I enjoyed about it the most was making the healthy substitutions and realizing that the mock up tasted just as good as the real thing, sometimes even better! To this day, minus the juice fasting, I still follow the recipes from the South Beach Diet when I cook. I have all of the cookbooks I could find, including one just for holidays. The recipes are exactly what I love the most: delicious and easy. I'm sure I'll talk more about SBD recipes as time goes on. (If you're shopping for new, healthy recipes, you <b><i>must</i> </b>get <a href="http://www.amazon.com/South-Beach-Diet-Quick-Cookbook/dp/1594862923"><span style="text-decoration:none;text-underline:nonecolor:blue;">The South Beach Diet Quick & Easy Cookbook</span></a>. It is an absolute must-have.)<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;">When I lived in the dorms with kitchens, my roommates and I would have specific nights where we would cook for each other. I went all out and I loved it! I would also include some strange fruit I'd never eaten before as dessert just to be adventurous. After every meal, I had everyone rate the meal. I got some pretty high scores most of the time. It started to be a pretty big thing for me, so I'd invite other people to join us. There were a few times where we didn't have enough chairs for everyone. (Of course, most of the extra dinner guests were boys. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, right?)<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;">Somewhere in there, I started to offer to cook for my family all the time. If ever I'm home, I'm trying to cook something. In fact, I cooked for my brother and his wife a few weeks ago in Atlanta, and then again for my parents and my other brother and his wife a few nights after that - all while I was on a juice fast. I've cooked for my house guests who were traveling during this time. I've even thought about dropping off baked goods for some of my neighbors these days "just because." (I will probably still do that, by the way. I know you're probably reading this, Anna.)<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;">Anytime I want to figure something out, I always try to have an audience. After my stay in Thailand, I tried my hand at cooking Thai food for family and friends. After Costa Rica, I tried the same thing. Any trip I took, I was whipping up something I had for someone else so they could be apart of that experience with me in some way. I'm constantly trying to figure out what is in something I'm eating so I could recreate it at home or for someone else. (Up next: East Side King's-style beet fries with Gina!) Some people know that I semi-secretly *love* picnics. [Check the 2 wicker baskets, picnic-specific blanket, and new-to-me vintage picnic plate and utensil carrying set. You can call me a hardcore picnicker.] They also know that I *adore* pot lucks. (I'm great at theme parties, too. What can I say?) This has been a normal thing for me for most of my life - cooking for people, enjoying our food together - because I don't just eat to live, but sometimes, I do live to eat because for me <b>food is love</b>. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;">Most people know this as a truth. When your mom, g-ma, or aunt – usually just someone older than you who knows how to freakin' cook - makes something AMAZING, you just want to hug them or cuddle with them afterward because a) you are so damn full of delicious goodness and b) they just slaved over an incredible meal for you just because they care. It's such a beautiful thing! And in my family, when we get together, we will sit at the table for hours, full plates to empty plates, and just talk and connect, usually over the food at first. Some of the best conversations I have ever had in my entire life have been at my kitchen table. Stories. Laughter. Tears. Joy. Love. What brought us there? Food. Delicious, amazing, wonderful, incredible food. I feel like saying Amen right now! (Thank you, Mom and Dad, for being so loving and providing as you were unknowingly shaping me into the human I am through these lasting experiences and outstanding meals.)<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;">Fast forward to a few months ago, I felt myself getting a little stuck in the same routine with the same food staples there for a little while before this juice fast. It was no wonder that I would find myself in a restaurant more often than not, making choices that weren’t the best for me. Now that I'm juicing all of this fresh produce, I cannot wait to cook it and eat it! There are so many different flavors of lettuce out there that I am excited to build different meals specific to each one. I've juiced things I wouldn't have touched before, and now, I'm looking up recipes for when I can consume them whole. The same goes for roots and fruits and all kinds of other fresh, wonderful things. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;">This stuff - this beautiful, beautiful produce - is so much love for us. It is grown in our earth, put here by our Creator, for us to have and enjoy so our bodies will be strong, well, and vibrant. I'd ignored so much of it for fear, I guess. What else could it have been? Now that my eyes are opened to the rest of the produce section, not just a select area, I am planning feasts for my friends and family along with simply delicious, healthy meals all for myself. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;">It feels like I'm learning a new language, which is something I made as a goal for myself not too long ago, so it's interesting how that goal is shaping up into a different form. This new language with food is like a deeper understanding of love, and I am slowly but surely approaching the testing period - that is, life post-juice fast in 19 days - where I'll use this language of love for myself in the best way that I've learned how. Just thinking about eating is making me really happy, but not because I'm going to go out and eat fried pickles (which are delicious, by the way) every night. It's because I'm going to listen to what this new language is telling my heart and my body and make the best choices I possibly can, at home or wherever. This is such an empowering time for me right now that I have no fear inside me that I'm going to just go crazy and start consuming small children because I've been so deprived. That's just silly! If anything, I may fear restaurants that fry everything and use Paula Deen-esque globs of butter on otherwise ridiculously healthy things, but even then, I'll know that there has to be some option for me. If not, I'll create one for myself because I guarantee I have that power. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;">I love myself, I love food, and life after this fast is going to be so much fun. Of course, you'll read all about it! <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;">If you are interested in learning more about what I'm doing and the film that inspired my roommate and I to take this journey, please come with us to Whole Foods Market on N Lamar this Friday around 5 pm on the plaza outside for a viewing of "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead." Joe Cross, director and star of the film, will be there. He's coming all the way from Australia! Needless to say, I'm super excited. Well, I was already excited, but to meet the guy who inspired the journey you're currently on <i>while</i> you're on the journey is kind of a dream come true. Join us! You can find more information <a href="http://www.facebook.com/events/229332667163987/"><span style="color:#0000F6;">right here on the Facebook</span></a>.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;">By the way, I love you all. Thank you for reading this. Seriously. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:16.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Georgia;mso-bidi-font-family:Georgia;"><3.</span><o:p></o:p></p> <!--EndFragment--><p></p> <!--EndFragment--><p></p> <!--EndFragment--></span><p></p> <!--EndFragment-->SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-72102869557161930412012-03-23T09:10:00.003-07:002012-03-23T10:09:49.757-07:00I'm calling it a miracle.As of today, I've officially lost 30 lbs. since I began my daily count of consistent exercise. It's day 57 of that journey, and day 38 of my juice fast journey. Realistically, I have about 70 lbs. to go to get to my "healthy" weight range (according to doctors and charts, etc.). I think I'd be ok with losing just 50 more. There's no rush, really. The effects of what I'm doing now are already healing my body in miraculous ways. There is one in particular I'd like to share, if you don't mind. <div><br /></div><div>Some people get very uncomfortable during talk of menstruation, and I was one of those people for all of my life. My friends, including some males, would get on to me, telling me it was a beautiful part of my body that I should embrace. I would just shake my head, shudder a bit, and refuse to talk about it. For a very long time, I used other words to replace the word "period" like "that time of the month." I also resorted to naming it "George," you know, something very non-feminine. I cringed at commercials that talked about pads and tampons. (Pads were gross to me, so I wouldn't use them or refer to them at all. I called tampons "bullets" so I could "shoot George." I really hated "George.") The whole idea made me feel really gross like I was the carrier of this horrible disease that no one should <i>ever</i> talk about, and I would take commercials from Tampax, Kotex, or blah-blah-ex/ax brand selling their *amazingly* absorbent materials very personally. My face would often get red during said commercial breaks. I don't embarrass too easily, so I think you get the point that this was something I did not discuss. Never ever.</div><div><br /></div><div>Obviously, that isn't the case today. Over the past few months, I've come to terms with this part of my body. I have accepted that it is a natural occurrence, but it actually did not occur naturally within my body as it would most other females. Because of my <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001408/">PCOS condition</a>, I developed <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/amenorrhea/DS00581">amenorrhea</a>, and I would menstruate maybe once every year or year and a half. I can probably count how many times I've had my period throughout my life. My former mindset celebrated the fact that I "didn't have to deal with having a period" since I detested the process so much. As my mindset changed and focused towards health, I knew something was very wrong with my body and I needed to do everything I could to change it. </div><div><br /></div><div>On March 5, almost a month into my juice fasting and just over a month into my daily exercising, I menstruated for the first time in about 2 years. I never thought I would be so happy to have my period, but I cried tears of joy. And for whatever reason, I knew it was going to be a normal thing for me from then on out. Sometimes, when you know, you know, and since that was the longest I had ever gone without menstruating, I knew that it was my body's way of responding to what I am doing to make it stronger and healthier every single day. </div><div><br /></div><div>Now, I talk about this more than I've ever talked about it before, and gladly so! Thank God for this! I am ecstatic! I believe that this is my body healing itself without needing medication or anything really crazy. It's just taking care of itself because I'm doing the right things to improve my overall health. I needed this miracle to prevent any further damage that was happening inside me, and I am most definitely looking forward to every single time of the month - sorry, every <b>period</b> ;) - as something positive and beautiful, just as I am in all parts of my healthy, amazing human body.</div>SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5878616614541071301.post-33772174149037241642012-03-19T11:31:00.005-07:002012-03-19T12:33:33.039-07:00Balancing Act: I Am What I EatQuick correction to the last post: I was on Day 28, not 27! That's a good mistake.<div><br /></div><div>One thing I've come to realize throughout this journey is that my eating choices and habits are direct reflections of my life balance and imbalance. I am what I eat, essentially, so if I am feeling chaotic, I'll eat something that resembles just that. If I'm feeling great and happy and stable, I choose the foods to follow that as well. It gets really tricky when I'm stressed out because I won't put eating correctly (or sometimes, even eating at all) as a priority to the task at hand. If I have a dress that takes 6 hours to complete and I literally only have 6 hours, I won't even "waste" time to use the restroom much less feed myself anything substantial. Those times may be ahead of me in the future, too, but my hope is that I will learn some balance in all areas of my life to maintain a healthy lifestyle all around.</div><div><br /></div><div>Before this juice fast, I could eat almost anything packaged or processed, mostly due to their nostalgic value. My favorite babysitter growing up would give us Vienna sausages, highly processed cheese, Chef Boyardee, Easy Mac, etc. and I loved it! I thought it was great! Even in recent history, I would make a snap decision to get a large order of onion rings from Sonic just because the craving hit me. I'd eat them with ranch, and I'm pretty sure Sonic puts sugar in their batter. (Breading doesn't normally taste that sweet!) Afterwards, I had zero energy and I felt really gross for consuming something that was fried, fattening, and sugar-coated. Often, I would need a nap afterwards so my body could cope with the shock to my system. Truthfully, though, I <i>could</i> probably eat some of that stuff today. But do I really want to? That's a big fat HELL NO, but honestly, is the rest of fast food any better? Would I grab a burger and fries from some place like P. Terry's? Maybe. They're pretty delicious, and even though they are touted as a "healthy fast food," I'm not sure that's a place I need to go when I'm in a bind. Luckily, there's Snap! Kitchen, which I forget about too often, and Whole Foods and Central Market both have prepared foods areas I can grab from if I'm in a hurry. Thundercloud and Subway aren't the worst, but I do have to watch that I don't just put a ton of meat and cheese on a sub with a little bit of lettuce and call it a meal. I'm hoping to train my body to crave more plant fuel than animal or bread fuel, mainly as a result of the past 34 days of feeling amazing and full of good energy. Oh, and another cool, relatively mindless alternative to fast foods: Juice! I have virtually no excuse to resort to processed, pre-packaged foods again because I know that I can live off of juice if I need a meal, and juicing takes only a few minutes.</div><div><br /></div><div>Balance is really important to maintaining a healthy lifestyle, and the connection to food is absolutely related to my daily life. I look forward to re-learn healthy choices as each day progresses and to realize that I am in control of my future through every single healthy, nutritious, delicious bite - or sip!</div>SavannahRedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298488835619759154noreply@blogger.com1