Thursday, July 21, 2011

Flying Solo... For Now

I am currently trainer-less. I won't go into details here as I respect Erin, her work, and her vision. She is a wonderful trainer, and if you are in need of one, let me know and I will immediately point you in her direction. It just wasn't working out for us, and I think I am in large part to blame.

When you commit to a trainer, you really have to put your entire life in their hands. They look at your food and they work you out. They want the best for you, and that is something I have come to understand the most. Erin worked very hard with me, even at home she would try to figure out ways to help me, and simply put, I'm incapable of putting that much of myself into someone else's hands. Here's what I mean.

I own a small business. I am the designer of savannahred, my company, where I create clothing for women size 12 and up. This is a full time job for me, and I absolutely love it! It wakes me up every single day and my customers have become some of my closest friends. But my business takes almost everything out of me, so it can be very hard to find a balance between my business and my personal life, namely my health, but I make sacrifices whenever I can. The hard truth about what I do is that if I don't make dresses/sales, I can't eat. It is that direct of a relationship. And sometimes, I have to work almost 24 hours straight in order to get some things made in the time they need to be done.

Truth be told, I work harder than the average person. I get that from my father who has had a "work hard, play hard, and then get your ass back to work" attitude all my life. I finally found something that I want to pour my heart and soul into that can truly uplift someone else and perhaps even change her life, but it takes a lot of hard work and long hours. I do not regret this. I am happy to put this much work into what I do and I don't see myself slacking off anytime soon because I am growing a successful business. One day, I will simply be the designer and not the designer+illustrator+patternmaker+cutter+seamster, but it takes time. I am exercising patience with myself and this process, and I am learning a ton.

Unfortunately, this relationship with my business has a tendency to take over my relationship with my health, but I believe I have found a fairly good balance during times where it isn't as stressful. But those days, or small string of days, do come when all I do is work, eat enough to survive, and then hopefully get a few hours of sleep. Until those days are few and far between, I don't think it is fair for me to commit to someone else, even though they are trying to help me. It's the same reason why I don't think I should date this year that I am trying to lose 100 lbs because I really need to focus on myself, my business, and my health and get those things in order before I can throw anything or anyone else in the mix.

So, I'm definitely learning a lot. I've been a bit heartbroken the past few days, but I haven't turned to food to console myself, so that's good. I might have gone a little overboard last night, but when you get a free meal at Haddington's and someone wants to split the prime rib with you [Read: Free prime rib. From Haddington's.], you may enjoy it a little too much. That's a once in a lifetime chance, so I took it and passed on the dessert - all 4 of them that were being passed around right in front of my face. Victory is mine!

I can do this. Erin said that she would be there when I am ready, and you know, I may take her up on that later on. I miss her, truth be told, but I have to do what is best for myself and even her. I know that may not make complete sense, but it does to me. At least, for now it does.

It's going to be hard, but I am in it to win it. Thank you in advance for your encouragement.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Vacation! Part 1

I went on vacation last week, and I think I maintained my weight - maybe even lost a few pounds? Who knows. I'm not keeping up with that aspect quite as much as how I feel. Let me just say, I feel aaaaaaamazinggggg!!!! More on that later as I want to report on some obstacles that I happily overcame this past week away.

Myself and 4 of my friends piled into a Toyota Corolla [Read: Super cramped, y'all.] and made our way over to the beautiful, picturesque mountains of Lake Lure, NC. The drive there took about 21 hours, so we knew ahead of time that because we (well, most of us) are 1) broke and 2) severely watching what we eat that we should pack a few things for the road there. I felt pretty good about my food decisions on the way there. My parents are pretty much the most generous, kind hearted people on the planet, and they provided food for all 5 of us and one more of my friends who joined us there (she's from SC, so her drive was much shorter) along with the rest of my family who was there/going to be there. I'm pretty sure they win some kind of award for being so great but they would never tell us because, well, they are that awesome! Anyway... (I love my family!)

We ventured to Asheville for the day and checked out every shop we felt was fun, which was a lot. After walking around, making some purchases, and listening to a hippie drum circle, I allowed myself to have 1.33 beers (Pitcher sharing! What what!) at the Lexington Avenue Brewery (a "gastropub" my roommate termed it) and I was about 2 seconds away from getting everything on the appetizer menu. And the dessert menu. It just seemed like the natural thing to do, right? To celebrate your vacation in the mountains with your friends so far away from home, especially after making some amazing purchases like a vintage Dior hat (You'll die when you see it. Seriously.) and some really amazing fascinators... But no. Beer was celebration enough.

After getting a little sloshy [Read: Cheap date.], we decided upon a restaurant that was delicious, budget-friendly (hah!), and had little waiting, so we went to Boca. I probably had a little too much of our friend Lindie's calamari, but I didn't order my own, so that was a big step. If you know me, you know I love calamari. I used to get it at every restaurant that had it. (I wonder why I weighed 250...) The first thing I saw on the menu (ahem - apart from the calamari) was the scallop and watermelon salad. Those are 2 of my other most favorite things, and since my mom is allergic to scallops (The food allergies in my family will make you weep.), it was a no brainer. No other thing on the menu compared to that, so that's what I ordered.

Boca is pretty great at presentation, but this salad tasted even better than it looked. I try to stay away from salads in restaurants simply because I can usually make them at home a lot better and less expensive than in the restaurant, but this was worth every penny. The bed of arugula tossed in a lemon-olive oil vinaigrette was a perfect foundation for sprinkles of almond slivers above it, resting just beneath watermelon triangles smeared with sweet, soft goat cheese and slightly charred scallops. I could tell that perhaps there was some raw sugar that had been caramelized on the scallops, not too much to make a huge difference, but nonetheless, I could have done without. Some balsamic vinegar topped it off to exquisite perfection and it felt like home in your mouth. *Pause for a nostalgic, culinary tear* Ugh... So, so good.

Some of our group was really digging the idea of dessert, and the salad was so good that I wanted to top it off, but I knew I had to be strong. Sweet treats were being discussed and my cravings were rising, so I excused myself and walked down to the nearest coffee shop to grab something - anything - that I could at least hold onto. They were closing so I got a drip coffee with cream, but it was almost painful to watch them eat their peaches and cream cheesecake and chocolate torte. I survived, though, and it was time to return to the cabin just an hour down the road.

This day felt like a huge victory for me because I am one who loves to celebrate - and in the worst of ways! I like to celebrate when something major happens, when something semi-major happens, and even when I finally clean the kitchen. My life is all about luxury and celebration, but I'm in a place now where luxury has to come later and celebration has its moments, too. I'm learning what it means to truly reward myself instead of giving into my self-indulgences. It's not easy, but these little things will add up and the reward will be the end result itself.

One thing I keep repeating to myself (especially in these instances) and to others whenever the moments arise is that I love myself more than I love _________ [Insert forbidden food/drink here.]. I love my happiness and my future more than I love __________. Ultimately, whatever _________ is causes an imbalance in my body and usually causes depression in one way or another (read back a few posts if you need more clarification on that), and I love this feeling that I have now - this feeling of empowerment, of strength, of clarity, of focus, of happiness, of self-awareness, of resilience, of Super Woman - more than one bad decision that can take it away. I slip up a little bit, as I am human and I am allowed to err, but in a conscious, healthy-minded decision making process, I want to choose me and my best self over anything else. I'm seeing how this is translating to other areas of my life, so I'm feeling healthier in all aspects of my life these days, and I am really excited for the future and my future successes that are to come.

So, that was my first real day of vacation! I'll share more of the rest of the week soon. <3.