When you commit to a trainer, you really have to put your entire life in their hands. They look at your food and they work you out. They want the best for you, and that is something I have come to understand the most. Erin worked very hard with me, even at home she would try to figure out ways to help me, and simply put, I'm incapable of putting that much of myself into someone else's hands. Here's what I mean.
I own a small business. I am the designer of savannahred, my company, where I create clothing for women size 12 and up. This is a full time job for me, and I absolutely love it! It wakes me up every single day and my customers have become some of my closest friends. But my business takes almost everything out of me, so it can be very hard to find a balance between my business and my personal life, namely my health, but I make sacrifices whenever I can. The hard truth about what I do is that if I don't make dresses/sales, I can't eat. It is that direct of a relationship. And sometimes, I have to work almost 24 hours straight in order to get some things made in the time they need to be done.
Truth be told, I work harder than the average person. I get that from my father who has had a "work hard, play hard, and then get your ass back to work" attitude all my life. I finally found something that I want to pour my heart and soul into that can truly uplift someone else and perhaps even change her life, but it takes a lot of hard work and long hours. I do not regret this. I am happy to put this much work into what I do and I don't see myself slacking off anytime soon because I am growing a successful business. One day, I will simply be the designer and not the designer+illustrator+patternmaker+cutter+seamster, but it takes time. I am exercising patience with myself and this process, and I am learning a ton.
Unfortunately, this relationship with my business has a tendency to take over my relationship with my health, but I believe I have found a fairly good balance during times where it isn't as stressful. But those days, or small string of days, do come when all I do is work, eat enough to survive, and then hopefully get a few hours of sleep. Until those days are few and far between, I don't think it is fair for me to commit to someone else, even though they are trying to help me. It's the same reason why I don't think I should date this year that I am trying to lose 100 lbs because I really need to focus on myself, my business, and my health and get those things in order before I can throw anything or anyone else in the mix.
So, I'm definitely learning a lot. I've been a bit heartbroken the past few days, but I haven't turned to food to console myself, so that's good. I might have gone a little overboard last night, but when you get a free meal at Haddington's and someone wants to split the prime rib with you [Read: Free prime rib. From Haddington's.], you may enjoy it a little too much. That's a once in a lifetime chance, so I took it and passed on the dessert - all 4 of them that were being passed around right in front of my face. Victory is mine!
I can do this. Erin said that she would be there when I am ready, and you know, I may take her up on that later on. I miss her, truth be told, but I have to do what is best for myself and even her. I know that may not make complete sense, but it does to me. At least, for now it does.
It's going to be hard, but I am in it to win it. Thank you in advance for your encouragement.