Now and Forever

I am strong.

I am passionate.

I am determined.

I am resilient.

I am a motivator.

I am an achiever.

I am a finisher.

I am a winner.

I will finish strong.

I will accomplish my goals.

I will blaze trails.

I will be on top.

The future is mine, and only I can get me there.

Clearing the road to the journey

Shows like The Biggest Loser and Losing It with Jillian Michaels have been used to motivate me in the past, so I decided to start Season 11 over from the beginning and watch it on Hulu in my free time since my big decision to lose 100 lbs. in a year. It's pretty nice, actually, but I must admit that I cry every episode.

It seems that the majority of the people on these shows have had some major problems or incidents in their lives they haven't dealt with yet, and it is implied through these programs that those are the things that are holding these people back from healthier lifestyles and, ultimately, a healthier future. Being the overly emotional person that I am to begin with, I cannot help but feel their pain through the television or computer screen as I watch these shows. I'm sure the amount of saline I lose while I sit on my ass could contribute to my weight loss just as much as my exercises... Just kidding. (Kinda.)

Through these programs and through some of the conversations with my trainer Erin, I've realized that there are some things along my journey that I also need to clear out of the way in order to get to the next destination. (Of course, the next destination I'm referring to here is the 100 lb. weight loss.) In the past year or so, I've talked about my depression issues, my rocky relationship with food, and I've taken the necessary steps to forgive the voices of the past for trying to bring me down for my size, my personality, and my talents. Now, I'm facing some pretty hard memories, and honestly, there's one of these 2 I'm not sure I want to get past.

I recently wrote in one of my other blogs about my experience with sexual assault. If you only read this health blog of mine, you can find my "thoughts and feelings" one at http://stilettosandairplanes.blogspot.com. It isn't an easy read, but it was necessary for me to get that out so I can deal with it and move on. I'm hoping to somehow take up boxing in the near future to get some of the aggression I feel toward that situation out of me, but we shall see how that unfolds. I've forgiven him for doing that. I've forgiven the person who made me feel as though it were my fault. I'm ready to leave that moment behind me and only carry it with me to be a strong advocate for others and to educate others on how to not blame the victim.

As for the other thing, I'm getting light-headed just thinking about trying to put it behind me, but I know that I absolutely have to.

If there's anyone I have on my mind and my heart every day, it's my friend Nathan. Today is Nate's birthday. He would be 30 if he were alive, and it is this way of thinking that has kept me back in some areas of my life I believe.

At first, when I read about his death in Iraq (he and 3 others hit an IED in the desert of Samarra), the whole world went cloudy. I felt like the room was growing bigger and becoming darker. How could this person who meant so much to me - someone so full of life and love and fun and wisdom, someone who literally changed my life - be gone? Forever? Yes. Forever, at least here on earth. Not even my Christian afterlife view of eternity in Heaven has been able to help me cope with his loss. I can't see him, hear him, or touch him. I can't get one of his hugs. I can't call him on the phone. I can't argue with him about anything under the sun.

I also can't live my life for him, and I think this has made me feel a little guilty. At first, when he passed, I chose to live my life to the fullest like he would have and go out into the world (namely Austin, TX) in search of whatever will come my way. I feel like I understand the concept of "abundant life" here because I am so happy and amazingly rich with such wonderful friends in this bubble of creativity and love. I don't believe I would be here if he was still alive. Losing him pushed me out of my comfort zone - on many, many levels - but in the past 6 years since his death, I've gone back into grieving his loss. It's hard to say this and it hasn't always felt right for many reasons, but it's time to stop grieving for him and start living for me.

I owe it to myself to take control of my future, just so I can have one! Certain events have taken some of that control from me, but I believe with all of my being that I have the power to be #1 for me. I feel stronger than I've ever felt before, not just in physical strength, but now emotionally and mentally.

I weighed this morning at 247.6, just 8 more lbs. to go before my first personal goal of weighing less than 240 before I see my family for July 4th. I'm in this for me now, completely, and victory will soon be mine.

So... Happy birthday, Nathan. I love you. I miss you. You were a great friend to me. I'm glad you were alive so I could know you and have an incredible connection with someone like you. "Esse quam videri" - "To be rather than to seem" - was your Latin phrase that you lived by. Thank you for showing me how to live authentically. I have to let you go now so I can do it my way.

<3.

I am... Anslee.

I am... a daughter of 2 parents who have been through more than I could ever imagine, have sacrificed and still sacrifice more than I could ever know, and have loved me with more love than I could ever comprehend.

I am... a sister of 2 amazingly strong, compassionate, intelligent men who inspire me daily, love me tremendously, and support me in any way possible, who have chosen the most beautiful, loving, caring wives anyone could ever ask for, and one of whom has 2 of the most charming young men who will change the world some day. You'll see.

I am... an artist: a photographer, a writer, a painter, a designer, a singer, a dancer, a creator, an imaginator, and an actor, at times, amongst many other delightfully creative things.

I am... beautiful yet bold, sassy yet sensitive, and always on a quest for the truth.

I am... a world traveler, a collector of odd things to be used later, a wonderful companion to take anywhere, a dreamer at all times of the day and night, and a mountain climber, river rambler, lion tamer in some of those dreams.

I am... a survivor of bullying/ridicule, sexual assault, and a near suicide attempt.

I am... a seeker of the best possible world harmony that I believe can and will happen, despite all odds.

I am... a child of God and a believer in a Holy Trinity, seeing and feeling the Divine presence in every possible scenario that my heart can grasp.

I am... a lover, a fighter for love, with a strong yet also wavering belief that there is just one, and for whom I shall remain in waiting.

I am... a success story being written and a strong, fearless woman with a great, big, huge heart.

Tell me who you are. I would really like to know.

Starting over: 100 lbs. in a year!

I wrote this to my friends and family. You can read it, too! I'll update more thoughts tomorrow most likely. Happy reading!

Hi, friends and family!

First off, I love you very much! I thank God for each of you being apart of my life. I'm so glad to have the wonderful people in my life that I do. Second, I need to send you a sincere, earnest request this morning, so please take what I am about to say very seriously.

Most of you know by now that I was diagnosed with prediabetes/insulin resistance about 10 years ago or so. I've struggled with this whole idea since the moment I got the results, and I am especially struggling with it now. A few things have been brought to my attention recently, and I'm at the point where I need those who are around me to support me in my decision to lose 100 lbs. in a year. This will get me to a healthy weight that will cure my medical conditions.

This is not a joke. This is my life, and I'm choosing to fight for it and set an attainable goal for a year from now. My request to you is that you will support me in every way you possibly can, and this especially means that you please refrain from tempting me with things such as delicious cake and amazing sandwiches and incredible restaurants... Those got me to this point where I am that feels like rock bottom, even though I've been heavier in the past. For my condition, depression comes in the form of sugar more often than not, and I'm prepared to walk away from that feeling forever.

From now on, I will not be "off the wagon." I won't have times where I'm being strict and times where I'm not. If I decide to have something that perhaps I shouldn't, it will be my idea and no one else's, and trust that my ass will be working it off later. This is something that I must do for me, and I apologize in advance for missing out on your lasagnas and banana breads and all the other amazingly wonderful homemade things that I love that you all make. Unless it is sugar free, low in fat, and either gluten free or made with whole grain ingredients, I cannot partake, but please understand that I absolutely do not expect you to do that for me. I also don't expect for you to keep me accountable. I know this is my challenge and I only ask that you support me and love me along the way. I will most undoubtedly need encouragement every now and then.

This year is going to be very difficult for me, but I know that I have an incredible support system. I'd love to include you on my journey, too! If you even think of exercising and I'm around, give me a call. I want to join you. (Plus, you know I love to dance!) If you want to cook something healthy together, I'm your girl. I'll bring the healthy food to your potlucks. If you would like some suggestions to help make something you're wanting to cook a bit healthier, let me know. I'm happy to be there for you also. I'll be cooking at home a lot more now, so if you want to hang out over dinner, let's create something together instead! (That's fun, right?!) I just can't keep going down this destructive road that is literally wearing out my body, namely my pancreas and my kidneys. If you would like more information on my condition, please ask me. I'll load you down with facts for years to come! :)

My future has 2 outlooks, a very bright one and a very dark one. I'm choosing the bright future. Can I count on you to help me achieve this goal and set up the days ahead of me to be the happiest, healthiest, most positive days ever? I really, desperately hope so.

364 more days to go! It's a piece of... celery. :)

<3.

Anslee

--
"Keep your eyes on the road and don't look over the cliff unless that's where you want to go, i.e. focus on your goal and not what happens if you don't make it." --Chris Connell

Detoxing days = depression days.

Let me be open. I find that it's only when we are completely honest with ourselves that we are able to heal. Maybe sharing one's deepest, darkest secrets or concerns on a blog isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I truly feel that my journey is one that I am meant to share.

For years, I've dealt with depression. This isn't news to many, but it could be to some. It's true that I have a naturally sunny disposition and I consider myself a very happy person, but there are some really, really dark days. Today has been one of them, so I decided to write about it. It's hard to type, honestly, because during these times, I get so consumed with what could be "wrong with me" or what I am "doing wrong" - which, of course, I feel is everything - and even putting myself out there subjects me to a level of vulnerability that I would normally be comfortable with if I weren't battling the demons of sadness. Unfortunately, having depression has led me to contemplate suicide on many occasions, but thankfully, not every bout leads to this scenario. Today has not been one of those days, thank God, but it is something that I will openly state that I have had an issue with and something I will continue to be aware of for the safety of myself and others.

Some of having an issue with depression is the result of carelessness with my diet. This excerpt from a study by Jurriaan Plesman has summed up the best correlation that I could find with insulin resistance and depression, definitely making me feel like I'm not alone.

"Excessive sugar consumption, when converted to glucose, can expose the body to free radical attack upon the immune system and DNA. Glucose is easily oxidized into peroxides and other toxins. The body has a defense mechanism against excess sugar consumption: it shuts down receptors for insulin that controls the amount of glucose (and other nutrients) getting across cell membranes into cells. This is called Insulin Resistance, which may result in hypoglycemic symptoms. There are many studies showing a significant association between depression and insulin resistance. See here.

With insulin resistance blood sugar levels tend to rise, triggering more release of insulin - called hyperinsulinism - and this may provoke a sudden descent in blood sugar level called hypoglycemia. Thus the brain tends to be exposed to wildly fluctuating blood sugar levels, responsible for many ‘psychological’ symptoms. See graph here.

When the brain is starved of energy it could lead to the death of brain cells in a matter of minutes. In reaction to this threat, the brain triggers the release of stress hormones - such as adrenaline and cortisol - that function to convert sugar stores in the body (glycogen and amino acids) back into glucose so as to feed the brain again. (See image) See also Rita Elkins et al.

But these stress hormones, generated within the body are also responsible for the varied symptoms of mental illness, from depression, anxiety attacks, phobias, delusions ,insomnia, compulsive behaviours and thoughts, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, hypochondria, PTSD, OCD and so on and on. "

So, given all of this information, I'm sure you can see that detoxing days after some consecutive slip-ups are incredibly difficult. Sugar is the most addictive substance in the world, and when I let it go, my body mourns its loss - literally. I usually cry all day, and this is something I've never shared because I, like many, see my depressed self as someone who is weak. What I'm starting to understand is that even through this time of weakness, admitting my true feelings - not the lies - to myself and allowing myself to feel whatever it is I may feel is a sign of strength. I know my body so well and even deciding I needed to take this day, knowing it would be so hard, is a milestone that I should internally celebrate once the "girlbrain" turns her cerebral mouth off.

Living with prediabetes/insulin resistance is not something to mess around with, but I did the best I could this weekend. I had sworn off bread on Thursday morning - something I needed to do for a while - and had broken that promise to myself and my trainer later on that evening. And then again the next day. And the next. And the next. Today, I stood up for myself and my oath. This day should be celebrated. That's really the bottom line.

As I recover from poor choices and lean toward purging the toxins from my body through gentle foods, exercise, and water - the healthy stuff, ya know - this will be my mantra:

To practice grace during the down times and encouragement during strength.

I'm sure this post was all over the place, but thank you for reading. If you have any questions to ask, please do, or if you would like to share anything, you have the complete freedom to do so.

Business time.

One thing I'm majorly considering for this journey is to write a book entitled "Death & Sugar." Sounds morbid, but it will detail "one lady's journey through diabetes and finding her way on the other side." Or something like that. Or nothing like that. Who knows?! But I like the "Death & Sugar" bit, so don't steal it. Or I'll cut you. (Not really, but pretend I'm serious because that would be a pretty bitchy thing to do.)

I took a baby vacation a few weeks ago to reset. I did yoga, meditated, read, detoxed with some raw food, slept a lot. It was a grand idea, and then I had a really rough week full of depressing situations and stupid lies I started believing about myself via business schtuff. I'm super glad that week is over because the truth is that life is gonna throw some curve balls at you, regardless of whether or not you just started eating healthy again. Ugh, right? The good news is that I got through it (thanx to friends!!!).

So here's what's up, baby bubba:

+I'm learning to trust Erin, my trainer, more and more. I really started to fight her pretty hard there for a while because a) I'm a stubborn little bitch, b) I go through bouts of denial [Read: Danger for a prediabetic!], and c) I haven't known her for that long and we aren't "like, OMG, besties." I have trust issues, ok? But I came to terms with them in time for her to really start making an impact on my life. She seriously means well and she wants to help me not have missing toes and heart attacks and really serious, life-threatening, bad stuff one day. If that's not as awesome as a "bestie," then I don't know what is! She seriously rocks - and her patience (Hi. She deals with ME, here.) - is outstanding.

+Dietlandia: I also gave in and instead of just thinking about it every year, I actually gave up sugar for Lent. Oh wait, I gave up more than just sugar. Ready? I gave up sugar AND artificial sugar, even the natural stuff. I am only allowing fruit and moderate amounts of honey. (It's ok to breathe. Are you still alive?) It's quite a shock - and actually, it's not that hard... so far. I'm learning SO MUCH about natural sugars that exist in other foods. Like milk - that junk is sweet on its own (you know, the organic kind)! I never tasted the delicious sweetness quite like I did the other night. It was quite the discovery. So, other than denying all of my sweet teeth their cravings, I'm eating healthier in general. This means lean meats, fresh veggies, fruit, and limited carbs/starches/etc. I bought myself some steak to bring all of this home. And so I would force myself to clean my grill. :D

+In addition to seeing Erin twice a week, I try to stretch/do some form of yoga every morning and go for a walk on the days I don't see her. It is currently SXSW, so that makes getting a good walk in pretty easy, but the real test will be when it's all over. I had some really bad back problems happen (and re-occurred yesterday), so this part is pretty serious to me, especially right now.

That's today. I've got plans for the future, too! Check 'em out:

+I'm gonna try Bikram yoga. Yep. The girl who LOVES things to be sweet has given up sweetness, so now that same girl who HATES to be hot is going to subject herself to hot yoga. I might have to give myself a pep talk every day as I walk through the door, but I want to do the 30 for $30 thing at Sunstone at the Triangle. And then... I wanna try a 60 day challenge. (Who AM I?!) Chock all of this up to my girl, Marsha, at http://breathingalwaysnormal.com/ for educating me and giving me tons of wisdom, guidance, and support. That girl is such an inspiration!

+I haven't given up on my bike. (I have one again after the other one got stolen this summer... and I'm still bitter about that. But whatever, moving on. :{) I will try it again, but I think I'll need the Bikram to get myself in a little more shape. My back has to be a ton better before I try the bike for serious. Here's hoping!

+Prayer is pretty important to me, so I've tried to incorporate this into my daily life, especially when all of this becomes challenging. I'm finding so many ways to remind myself just how fortunate I am to be here, alive, and pretty well, for the most part. I have such an incredible support system with the friends and family who surround me. They know I can reach wellness one day. I just have to keep reminding myself. And being thankful. The Lord is good - and good things really do come to those who are patient. I'm working on patience and diligence, 2 hard words to practice, but I am running after them with all I've got.

Routine and I don't get along.

Why is it so incredibly difficult to stick with a routine? I guess we are all creatures of habit, and my habit is that I do every day differently. I like that. However, it may no longer be healthy for me. So where does that leave me? Not in a good place.

I found out that becoming a Nia instructor is quite costly, so that's out for a while. There is a Zumba Basics 1 class - in Charleston - that I could take, but I don't know how that would go over. I think that needs to be a goal for next year, seeing as I have very limited funds. The truth is that I will have even more limited funds next year, but we will cross that bridge as it ices over.

I took a vacation and gained a bunch of weight. I felt really horrible most of the trip because I wasn't making the right choices that are best for my body. It's strange/awesome how I've learned a lot about listening to what your body tells you and taking some sort of initiative toward correcting what may be upsetting it. The Deep South is full of fried food and other stuff that isn't very good for you, so I had my share of battered and ugly for a while. I had some major damage control upon my return, and a trainer to kick my ass back into "shape."

So, I really love Erin - for many reasons. I knew what I had done on vacation and how it was going to effect me. I asked her if she was mad and she said she wasn't, but that I should be mad at myself. After that, I really was angry with myself, but glad that she said that and didn't blatantly point fingers. Her gentle honesty really put things into perspective for me. It's amazing how easily I can lose sight of that.

One thing that Erin tells me that I try so hard to remember every time I'm in a situation is that the bad things are like poison for my body. She also says that one day I can have that stuff on special occasions, but that I should limit my intake for now. It's difficult to hear that when you have a sweet tooth as big as mine, but it's very important advice for the future.

I'm hopeful. I keep giving this a shot, and I think as long as I keep trying that that's what matters the most. It's easier to give up, to be honest, but I am actually tired of giving up. I want this healthy routine. I have a future that I want to be brighter than ever, and the decisions I make today - and every day - are going to secure that.

Something I've been doing more often now is visualizing the future. I want to see a happy, healthy me who doesn't have to contend with back pain when there are little ones running around. I want to see an organized me. I want to see an even more creative me because all of these other things are in place. I want to see an inspired clientele, a thriving business, a warm, healthy home, and friends who don't worry about me. (I think I've given everyone a heart attack lately about different things. It's not intentional, but I have issues that pile up that make the people I love the most really nervous.)

So, I'm trying to do an overhaul of everything. I am cleaning out a lot of clutter to do some emotional purging because I've been watching "Hoarders" and "Hoarding: Buried Alive," and I identify with a lot of the people on these shows. I have always just accumulated - stuff, friends, pounds, love, etc. - and I think there's a lot of good when you stop accumulating and, in some cases, start giving things away. I've given a lot of stuff to my friend Becky and to Goodwill to give myself more room to breathe. I've cut some ties with friends recently because they were poisonous relationships. I've gotten over past relationships because the things I held onto were, again, poisonous for my future relationships. I've been losing weight because the extra weight is contributing to a disease I am on the verge of having. I've been giving away more love instead of hoarding it because, well, it's just the right thing to do.

My hopes are that I will engage in a healthy routine to get me through the next 24 years of life and beyond. I want to make friends with this concept and let it carry me, relying on it and not allowing myself to give into the pressures of the world around me that can so easily taunt me into eating the forbidden fruits. I need to take it one day at a time. I really believe that I will get there.