Vacation! Part 1

I went on vacation last week, and I think I maintained my weight - maybe even lost a few pounds? Who knows. I'm not keeping up with that aspect quite as much as how I feel. Let me just say, I feel aaaaaaamazinggggg!!!! More on that later as I want to report on some obstacles that I happily overcame this past week away.

Myself and 4 of my friends piled into a Toyota Corolla [Read: Super cramped, y'all.] and made our way over to the beautiful, picturesque mountains of Lake Lure, NC. The drive there took about 21 hours, so we knew ahead of time that because we (well, most of us) are 1) broke and 2) severely watching what we eat that we should pack a few things for the road there. I felt pretty good about my food decisions on the way there. My parents are pretty much the most generous, kind hearted people on the planet, and they provided food for all 5 of us and one more of my friends who joined us there (she's from SC, so her drive was much shorter) along with the rest of my family who was there/going to be there. I'm pretty sure they win some kind of award for being so great but they would never tell us because, well, they are that awesome! Anyway... (I love my family!)

We ventured to Asheville for the day and checked out every shop we felt was fun, which was a lot. After walking around, making some purchases, and listening to a hippie drum circle, I allowed myself to have 1.33 beers (Pitcher sharing! What what!) at the Lexington Avenue Brewery (a "gastropub" my roommate termed it) and I was about 2 seconds away from getting everything on the appetizer menu. And the dessert menu. It just seemed like the natural thing to do, right? To celebrate your vacation in the mountains with your friends so far away from home, especially after making some amazing purchases like a vintage Dior hat (You'll die when you see it. Seriously.) and some really amazing fascinators... But no. Beer was celebration enough.

After getting a little sloshy [Read: Cheap date.], we decided upon a restaurant that was delicious, budget-friendly (hah!), and had little waiting, so we went to Boca. I probably had a little too much of our friend Lindie's calamari, but I didn't order my own, so that was a big step. If you know me, you know I love calamari. I used to get it at every restaurant that had it. (I wonder why I weighed 250...) The first thing I saw on the menu (ahem - apart from the calamari) was the scallop and watermelon salad. Those are 2 of my other most favorite things, and since my mom is allergic to scallops (The food allergies in my family will make you weep.), it was a no brainer. No other thing on the menu compared to that, so that's what I ordered.

Boca is pretty great at presentation, but this salad tasted even better than it looked. I try to stay away from salads in restaurants simply because I can usually make them at home a lot better and less expensive than in the restaurant, but this was worth every penny. The bed of arugula tossed in a lemon-olive oil vinaigrette was a perfect foundation for sprinkles of almond slivers above it, resting just beneath watermelon triangles smeared with sweet, soft goat cheese and slightly charred scallops. I could tell that perhaps there was some raw sugar that had been caramelized on the scallops, not too much to make a huge difference, but nonetheless, I could have done without. Some balsamic vinegar topped it off to exquisite perfection and it felt like home in your mouth. *Pause for a nostalgic, culinary tear* Ugh... So, so good.

Some of our group was really digging the idea of dessert, and the salad was so good that I wanted to top it off, but I knew I had to be strong. Sweet treats were being discussed and my cravings were rising, so I excused myself and walked down to the nearest coffee shop to grab something - anything - that I could at least hold onto. They were closing so I got a drip coffee with cream, but it was almost painful to watch them eat their peaches and cream cheesecake and chocolate torte. I survived, though, and it was time to return to the cabin just an hour down the road.

This day felt like a huge victory for me because I am one who loves to celebrate - and in the worst of ways! I like to celebrate when something major happens, when something semi-major happens, and even when I finally clean the kitchen. My life is all about luxury and celebration, but I'm in a place now where luxury has to come later and celebration has its moments, too. I'm learning what it means to truly reward myself instead of giving into my self-indulgences. It's not easy, but these little things will add up and the reward will be the end result itself.

One thing I keep repeating to myself (especially in these instances) and to others whenever the moments arise is that I love myself more than I love _________ [Insert forbidden food/drink here.]. I love my happiness and my future more than I love __________. Ultimately, whatever _________ is causes an imbalance in my body and usually causes depression in one way or another (read back a few posts if you need more clarification on that), and I love this feeling that I have now - this feeling of empowerment, of strength, of clarity, of focus, of happiness, of self-awareness, of resilience, of Super Woman - more than one bad decision that can take it away. I slip up a little bit, as I am human and I am allowed to err, but in a conscious, healthy-minded decision making process, I want to choose me and my best self over anything else. I'm seeing how this is translating to other areas of my life, so I'm feeling healthier in all aspects of my life these days, and I am really excited for the future and my future successes that are to come.

So, that was my first real day of vacation! I'll share more of the rest of the week soon. <3.

Detoxing days = depression days.

Let me be open. I find that it's only when we are completely honest with ourselves that we are able to heal. Maybe sharing one's deepest, darkest secrets or concerns on a blog isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I truly feel that my journey is one that I am meant to share.

For years, I've dealt with depression. This isn't news to many, but it could be to some. It's true that I have a naturally sunny disposition and I consider myself a very happy person, but there are some really, really dark days. Today has been one of them, so I decided to write about it. It's hard to type, honestly, because during these times, I get so consumed with what could be "wrong with me" or what I am "doing wrong" - which, of course, I feel is everything - and even putting myself out there subjects me to a level of vulnerability that I would normally be comfortable with if I weren't battling the demons of sadness. Unfortunately, having depression has led me to contemplate suicide on many occasions, but thankfully, not every bout leads to this scenario. Today has not been one of those days, thank God, but it is something that I will openly state that I have had an issue with and something I will continue to be aware of for the safety of myself and others.

Some of having an issue with depression is the result of carelessness with my diet. This excerpt from a study by Jurriaan Plesman has summed up the best correlation that I could find with insulin resistance and depression, definitely making me feel like I'm not alone.

"Excessive sugar consumption, when converted to glucose, can expose the body to free radical attack upon the immune system and DNA. Glucose is easily oxidized into peroxides and other toxins. The body has a defense mechanism against excess sugar consumption: it shuts down receptors for insulin that controls the amount of glucose (and other nutrients) getting across cell membranes into cells. This is called Insulin Resistance, which may result in hypoglycemic symptoms. There are many studies showing a significant association between depression and insulin resistance. See here.

With insulin resistance blood sugar levels tend to rise, triggering more release of insulin - called hyperinsulinism - and this may provoke a sudden descent in blood sugar level called hypoglycemia. Thus the brain tends to be exposed to wildly fluctuating blood sugar levels, responsible for many ‘psychological’ symptoms. See graph here.

When the brain is starved of energy it could lead to the death of brain cells in a matter of minutes. In reaction to this threat, the brain triggers the release of stress hormones - such as adrenaline and cortisol - that function to convert sugar stores in the body (glycogen and amino acids) back into glucose so as to feed the brain again. (See image) See also Rita Elkins et al.

But these stress hormones, generated within the body are also responsible for the varied symptoms of mental illness, from depression, anxiety attacks, phobias, delusions ,insomnia, compulsive behaviours and thoughts, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, hypochondria, PTSD, OCD and so on and on. "

So, given all of this information, I'm sure you can see that detoxing days after some consecutive slip-ups are incredibly difficult. Sugar is the most addictive substance in the world, and when I let it go, my body mourns its loss - literally. I usually cry all day, and this is something I've never shared because I, like many, see my depressed self as someone who is weak. What I'm starting to understand is that even through this time of weakness, admitting my true feelings - not the lies - to myself and allowing myself to feel whatever it is I may feel is a sign of strength. I know my body so well and even deciding I needed to take this day, knowing it would be so hard, is a milestone that I should internally celebrate once the "girlbrain" turns her cerebral mouth off.

Living with prediabetes/insulin resistance is not something to mess around with, but I did the best I could this weekend. I had sworn off bread on Thursday morning - something I needed to do for a while - and had broken that promise to myself and my trainer later on that evening. And then again the next day. And the next. And the next. Today, I stood up for myself and my oath. This day should be celebrated. That's really the bottom line.

As I recover from poor choices and lean toward purging the toxins from my body through gentle foods, exercise, and water - the healthy stuff, ya know - this will be my mantra:

To practice grace during the down times and encouragement during strength.

I'm sure this post was all over the place, but thank you for reading. If you have any questions to ask, please do, or if you would like to share anything, you have the complete freedom to do so.

Business time.

One thing I'm majorly considering for this journey is to write a book entitled "Death & Sugar." Sounds morbid, but it will detail "one lady's journey through diabetes and finding her way on the other side." Or something like that. Or nothing like that. Who knows?! But I like the "Death & Sugar" bit, so don't steal it. Or I'll cut you. (Not really, but pretend I'm serious because that would be a pretty bitchy thing to do.)

I took a baby vacation a few weeks ago to reset. I did yoga, meditated, read, detoxed with some raw food, slept a lot. It was a grand idea, and then I had a really rough week full of depressing situations and stupid lies I started believing about myself via business schtuff. I'm super glad that week is over because the truth is that life is gonna throw some curve balls at you, regardless of whether or not you just started eating healthy again. Ugh, right? The good news is that I got through it (thanx to friends!!!).

So here's what's up, baby bubba:

+I'm learning to trust Erin, my trainer, more and more. I really started to fight her pretty hard there for a while because a) I'm a stubborn little bitch, b) I go through bouts of denial [Read: Danger for a prediabetic!], and c) I haven't known her for that long and we aren't "like, OMG, besties." I have trust issues, ok? But I came to terms with them in time for her to really start making an impact on my life. She seriously means well and she wants to help me not have missing toes and heart attacks and really serious, life-threatening, bad stuff one day. If that's not as awesome as a "bestie," then I don't know what is! She seriously rocks - and her patience (Hi. She deals with ME, here.) - is outstanding.

+Dietlandia: I also gave in and instead of just thinking about it every year, I actually gave up sugar for Lent. Oh wait, I gave up more than just sugar. Ready? I gave up sugar AND artificial sugar, even the natural stuff. I am only allowing fruit and moderate amounts of honey. (It's ok to breathe. Are you still alive?) It's quite a shock - and actually, it's not that hard... so far. I'm learning SO MUCH about natural sugars that exist in other foods. Like milk - that junk is sweet on its own (you know, the organic kind)! I never tasted the delicious sweetness quite like I did the other night. It was quite the discovery. So, other than denying all of my sweet teeth their cravings, I'm eating healthier in general. This means lean meats, fresh veggies, fruit, and limited carbs/starches/etc. I bought myself some steak to bring all of this home. And so I would force myself to clean my grill. :D

+In addition to seeing Erin twice a week, I try to stretch/do some form of yoga every morning and go for a walk on the days I don't see her. It is currently SXSW, so that makes getting a good walk in pretty easy, but the real test will be when it's all over. I had some really bad back problems happen (and re-occurred yesterday), so this part is pretty serious to me, especially right now.

That's today. I've got plans for the future, too! Check 'em out:

+I'm gonna try Bikram yoga. Yep. The girl who LOVES things to be sweet has given up sweetness, so now that same girl who HATES to be hot is going to subject herself to hot yoga. I might have to give myself a pep talk every day as I walk through the door, but I want to do the 30 for $30 thing at Sunstone at the Triangle. And then... I wanna try a 60 day challenge. (Who AM I?!) Chock all of this up to my girl, Marsha, at http://breathingalwaysnormal.com/ for educating me and giving me tons of wisdom, guidance, and support. That girl is such an inspiration!

+I haven't given up on my bike. (I have one again after the other one got stolen this summer... and I'm still bitter about that. But whatever, moving on. :{) I will try it again, but I think I'll need the Bikram to get myself in a little more shape. My back has to be a ton better before I try the bike for serious. Here's hoping!

+Prayer is pretty important to me, so I've tried to incorporate this into my daily life, especially when all of this becomes challenging. I'm finding so many ways to remind myself just how fortunate I am to be here, alive, and pretty well, for the most part. I have such an incredible support system with the friends and family who surround me. They know I can reach wellness one day. I just have to keep reminding myself. And being thankful. The Lord is good - and good things really do come to those who are patient. I'm working on patience and diligence, 2 hard words to practice, but I am running after them with all I've got.

It's easy? That's weird.

I feel like I've finally come to the point where this "dieting" - rather, lifestyle change - feels kind of easy. I've read the South Beach Diet a few times, and this last time, I feel like something finally snapped and it almost seems natural.

I guess a big part of that is accepting the fact that this is going to be the rest of my life. That means, in a nutshell, I will have relatively the same eating habits for 60+ years. That's a really, really long time, and instead of looking at it like "God, do I really have to conform to the same foods for 60 years?!" (which isn't completely true) I look at it like "Hey, I'll get to run around with my grandchildren in 60 years instead of having my limbs removed from bad circulation from diabetes!" Granted, my case is a lot worse than some of my family members. It seems that when I got passed down the wonderful genes, it was saturated and therefore about 2 times the evil than for anyone else. And that's fine. It's a challenge! I love challenges, and this one I can overcome. I might even write a book about it one day. (I've been on an "I'm gonna write a book!" kick lately.)

Yesterday, I went to the doctor. They weighed me on the first visit, which was sometime this Summer. It was 250. I knew it was probably in that range, which is why weighing at the doctor during the holidays was sooo much *fun* (especially seeing her push it to 262). They weighed me yesterday at 251 (with clothes on), and the nurse was actually proud of me. (Same nurse who was kind of hitting on me one time... and shortly after started wearing a wedding band... Yeah.) It felt good to only have gained 1 lb, when I know in reality I gained a lot and lost a lot. It's just a really great feeling.

Pretty much my whole family is on a diet. I'm not sure how some of the diets will work out in the long run, but I am really encouraged that all of us are trying so hard to be healthy. This is probably the first time we've actually talked a bit more about exercise, too, and that's the part that makes me really pumped up about all of this. We have come to know ourselves as a sedentary eaters. We've more or less defined ourselves as such, which is so unhealthy, safe to say. I just get so excited that at least 9 of us have fairly recently made the commitment to take care of ourselves, and we are doing it together. Yes, some of us are on a bet, but it still works out that we are doing it together and that we talk about it. My cousin Austin just called me not too long ago to congratulate me on losing 12 lbs.! She has lost the same amount, and I am really proud of both of us. Another thing I'm really enjoying is our ability to be open and vulnerable with each other. We are posting our weight on the Facebook group, and weight is such a taboo thing to share. I'm just really happy for us. I truly hope this continues. It will be interesting to see how different holiday meals will be for us this upcoming year!

So, 13 lbs. down, 7 lbs. to go for my first mini goal, and 58 lbs. to go for my main goal. Feelin' good in the neighborhood! :)

Doctors have hearts sometimes, actually.

I went to the doctor again on Monday. I wasn't sure what I was going back for, but I went anyway. I forgot that she put me on a temporary steroid over a weekend to see how I would respond to it (which explains the 48-hour urine sample. . . that had to be refrigerated. . . and the top kept getting loose somehow. . . Yeah, not a fun weekend for me or my refrigerator. Let's just say it is REALLY clean now.). The good news was that I responded well to the medication, so should I run into any issues when baby-making-time comes up, I can use something to help me. Then, she said I need to lose weight because if I don't, I will be diabetic in TEN years. (Cue: slight internal freak out.)

We finished our brief conversation ($40 co-pay for 15 minutes, gotta love the medical field) and I left. It kind of hit me as I was talking to my mom that my doctor who is normally pretty blunt and only-to-the-point actually shared some emotional concern for me. That said a lot to me. So, I bought all of the fruit I could find (literally), and had a fruit and queso day to get it all out of my system. I restarted the South Beach Diet yesterday, and with the exception of a few bites of things, I have done pretty well for the past 2 days. That's all I can ask for - one day at a time.

I'm challenging myself in a strange way to see if all of these super healthy Austin-y things will actually do what they are supposed to do. I'm dubbing it "Keep Austin Weird Challenge." (Super creative. . . I know.) My loose plan is going to be this: Incorporate 2 tablespoons of extra virgin coconut oil into each day, use local honey for one cup of hot tea, stay away from Splenda if I can help it and instead use agave nectar or other natural forms of low GI sweetners that aren't sugar/HFCS/etc., drink kombucha more (at least 8 oz. daily/every other day), do yoga a few times a week, and maybe even throw in some acupuncture once a month. Why not? If all of these things are supposed to help, then I can only benefit from them. If they don't help as much, then maybe I can find some other things to do. I just know that I need to change some things - ok, a lot of things - so I'm not sitting here in 10 years with some sob story about how I should have listened to my seemingly emotionless doctor when she actually tried to care about me. So, I'm going to try these things out for 2 months from Monday (officially - unofficially, I'm starting now), and I'll update my way on here. Oh, and if you know of any Austin-like things that I should do in addition to these things, leave me a comment.

I just made an amazing recipe from the South Beach Diet: A Taste of Summer Cookbook. I made sea scallops with zucchini, sweet onion, garlic, cherry tomatoes, edamame, and fresh basil. It was amazing. It was so amazing that the maintenance man at my apartment complex almost begged me for some. He is so funny! I'll update that progress as well.

I'm also looking for a physical challenge to work toward. I'm not a runner, so that's out of the question. I cannot afford a bike right now, but hope to soon. What's something I could do? Help me out. I need suggestions!

Yay! She's back! :)

Hello, my friend - I'm glad you're back! I knew you hadn't left me.

So, my scale hasn't worked since before I left for Georgia, so I'm going to return it soon. I don't understand scales.

The past few days have probably put some weight on me seeing as my extremely high dose of Prednisone causes me to be ravenously hungry. Thank God I'm at a camp on a church getaway. I brought my own food, and it's pretty healthy considering I had to get it ready made from Whole Foods. I was running around doctors' offices and pharmacies right before I left and didn't have a chance to cook what I wanted to bring. I was kind of sad about that, actually, but oh well. What can I do about it now?

This week, as far as exercise goes, I've done. . .
45 minutes of walking and
30 minutes of hiking.

Not too bad, all things considered. It was kind of a rough week in spots, but I managed to get by and my eye is doing so much better (thank you, compounded drugs)! I'm just hoping my overeating won't continue when I get back home. I'm planning on getting a bike this week, so maybe that will do something for me. Who knows?

Addiction and Health

I have an acquaintance who comes by my work on his way to an AA meeting. I deeply admire this man for his commitment to bettering himself by recognizing his weakness and tackling it head on, even if pride and social situations may hinder that for most. He inspires me every time I talk to him to continue to keep my health in my best interest, and I went in to his place of business last night, Torchy's Tacos - my favorite place to eat in Austin - and gave him a ridiculous order. When I sat down to wait, we talked for a bit, and I explained to him my medical situation and he understood. I realized we are both struggling with addictions and we have to face every day with the decision of whether or not to feed them or deny them for our overall well being.

That said, I went to a wedding tonight and I had some wine and champagne. Phil's Ice House was catering burgers and chicken sandwiches. I had a piece of chicken and a hamburger patty. Both of them were wrapped with lettuce. I went back for sweet potato fries later and gave my regular potato fries to sweet, little Audrey. There were cake and cupcakes. I wanted them, but I am too weak to have a taste. The drinking I could have done without one or 2, but I allowed myself to indulge in those instead of attacking the wedding cake. For me right now, one bite = a month-long carb and sweets craving, it seems.

Work has been difficult lately because I keep wanting to take an extra pastry out for myself. I used to do that, but it is getting a little easier. I just know how great things taste and I want them all the time. I can't, though.

More and more people are beginning to find out about my situation, and I'm glad. It isn't anything to be ashamed of, but it does feel a little strange when it is such an open topic around strangers. I don't mind it so much, really, but I do know that the more my closest friends know, the more they can be mindful to help keep me in the mindset I am in and help me stay on track. I need the support right now.

Another thing to note is that I have been extremely busy lately, and busy makes me eat out more. I've been pretty strict for the most part, but I hope I can continue that for when I go home on Thursday. I may need to get something extra for when I go visit my g-ma and that side of the family next weekend. I am really excited!

My scale isn't working today. It likes to be a bit temperamental, but I weighed a few days ago and it was something like 246. Not too bad!

As far as exercising goes, I worked out a LOT on my birthday, which was really awesome. (Oh and I had some ice cream on my birthday and some sopapilla! It was super yummy but not too much.)

This past week, I have done. . .
1 hour of yoga
and 45 minutes of workout at 24-hour fitness.

This week, I've already got some dancing under my belt from, so bring on the exercise!

First week, not too bad!

I told all of my friends here what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, and everyone is fantastically supportive. I've been trying to spend time with people actively instead of just sitting in a cafe, doing whatever. It's been really nice.

This week I have. . .
walked for an hour with Gina,
walked for 30 minutes with Jillian and her dogs,
and I have danced for about 20 minutes with Lilia, Siobhan, and Claire.
So far, so good!

I cheated a little bit last night on SBD, but I only drank about half of the special mocha with Bailey's and Kahlua, and I only ate one slice of ESP pizza. I also had 3 glasses of wine. It was my birthday, so I'm proud of myself for not going overboard!

I weighed yesterday and I'm down to 251.9. That is so great!

The thing that I love the most is how great I feel. I'm not in a bad mood, I don't wake up feeling bad, and my energy doesn't run out very easily. The question came up last night why I'm doing this and why I'm committing, and I couldn't help but mention Sarah and how she and I have such a great friendship to help each other be active and potentially change our fates. People were most certainly excited for all of the changes I am making, the mindset I'm doing them in, and my level of commitment overall. It's difficult to work in an establishment where it is super easy to mark out a pastry and eat the whole thing before someone notices. I've been there and done that, but now I picture leg amputations and the like in order to picture that in reality, every choice I make leads to another, and I have to make the right ones. I have to do it for me right now, and continue to do it for others later. I'm excited to see what will come of this in the future. I'm sure that I will be very satisfied.

Angry Sugar: a blog designed to help S. and A. overcome health problems!

Challenge: S. and A. will begin exercising and eating healthy
Start date: November 30, 2008
End date: May 30, 2008
Wager: Loser will take a trip to visit winner

This lovely blog is going to be filled with thoughts, challenges, and inspiration for our motivation to lead healthy lifestyles in our respective locations of Boston and Austin. (That has a nice little ring to it.)

Here we will also post our weight loss along with what days we worked out and for how long. Any amount of exercise is fair game, aside from working (since Starbucks causes me to walk around a lot for the hours I'm working and that wouldn't be fair to count).

Basically, we want to motivate each other to take ourselves seriously and treat our bodies with respect. We aim to improve the quality of our lives and prevent genetic predispositions to cancer and other serious health problems.

We're in this together. Wish us luck!