Routine and I don't get along.

Why is it so incredibly difficult to stick with a routine? I guess we are all creatures of habit, and my habit is that I do every day differently. I like that. However, it may no longer be healthy for me. So where does that leave me? Not in a good place.

I found out that becoming a Nia instructor is quite costly, so that's out for a while. There is a Zumba Basics 1 class - in Charleston - that I could take, but I don't know how that would go over. I think that needs to be a goal for next year, seeing as I have very limited funds. The truth is that I will have even more limited funds next year, but we will cross that bridge as it ices over.

I took a vacation and gained a bunch of weight. I felt really horrible most of the trip because I wasn't making the right choices that are best for my body. It's strange/awesome how I've learned a lot about listening to what your body tells you and taking some sort of initiative toward correcting what may be upsetting it. The Deep South is full of fried food and other stuff that isn't very good for you, so I had my share of battered and ugly for a while. I had some major damage control upon my return, and a trainer to kick my ass back into "shape."

So, I really love Erin - for many reasons. I knew what I had done on vacation and how it was going to effect me. I asked her if she was mad and she said she wasn't, but that I should be mad at myself. After that, I really was angry with myself, but glad that she said that and didn't blatantly point fingers. Her gentle honesty really put things into perspective for me. It's amazing how easily I can lose sight of that.

One thing that Erin tells me that I try so hard to remember every time I'm in a situation is that the bad things are like poison for my body. She also says that one day I can have that stuff on special occasions, but that I should limit my intake for now. It's difficult to hear that when you have a sweet tooth as big as mine, but it's very important advice for the future.

I'm hopeful. I keep giving this a shot, and I think as long as I keep trying that that's what matters the most. It's easier to give up, to be honest, but I am actually tired of giving up. I want this healthy routine. I have a future that I want to be brighter than ever, and the decisions I make today - and every day - are going to secure that.

Something I've been doing more often now is visualizing the future. I want to see a happy, healthy me who doesn't have to contend with back pain when there are little ones running around. I want to see an organized me. I want to see an even more creative me because all of these other things are in place. I want to see an inspired clientele, a thriving business, a warm, healthy home, and friends who don't worry about me. (I think I've given everyone a heart attack lately about different things. It's not intentional, but I have issues that pile up that make the people I love the most really nervous.)

So, I'm trying to do an overhaul of everything. I am cleaning out a lot of clutter to do some emotional purging because I've been watching "Hoarders" and "Hoarding: Buried Alive," and I identify with a lot of the people on these shows. I have always just accumulated - stuff, friends, pounds, love, etc. - and I think there's a lot of good when you stop accumulating and, in some cases, start giving things away. I've given a lot of stuff to my friend Becky and to Goodwill to give myself more room to breathe. I've cut some ties with friends recently because they were poisonous relationships. I've gotten over past relationships because the things I held onto were, again, poisonous for my future relationships. I've been losing weight because the extra weight is contributing to a disease I am on the verge of having. I've been giving away more love instead of hoarding it because, well, it's just the right thing to do.

My hopes are that I will engage in a healthy routine to get me through the next 24 years of life and beyond. I want to make friends with this concept and let it carry me, relying on it and not allowing myself to give into the pressures of the world around me that can so easily taunt me into eating the forbidden fruits. I need to take it one day at a time. I really believe that I will get there.