Disclaimers!

Ok, guys. I'm going to hash a few things out right now. *best cheerleader voice* Ready?! Ok!

1) This blog is about brutal honesty. It is the place where I come to let people know about my health topics and concerns. It is the place where I try things out and let people know how I felt about them, how I connected with them, and what I learned, etc. This especially includes what I learn about myself. Whatever comes to my mind, I will share. I reserve that right. I also reserve the right to censor myself, but I will not censor myself at the will of someone else.

2) This blog does not have anything to do with my business. Yes, I may talk about my business because, occasionally, I do allow myself to have an unhealthy relationship with it at times (Hi! I'm an entrepeneur!), but this blog is not to be connected with my business as a whole. It is a separate entity, and I trust you will view it as such.

3) Even if I talk about health concerns regarding my body, including losing weight, my view of beauty and my personal body image does not conform to a societal standpoint. What I'm really trying to say is that I believe all people are beautiful - it doesn't matter how big or small or tall or short or what color any person may be, I believe that all people are beautiful in their own special, unique, individual ways. My standard of beauty will always be this. That said, I will always believe that I am beautiful, at any size, now and forever, no matter what.

4) If you'd like to date me, that's great. This may not be the best place to get to know me, unless you really would like to know the weird depths of my heart without me telling you first. I know I'm great and awesome and all that and a bag of (kale) chips, but stop stalking me and start calling me if you're into me. On the flipside, if you thought you were into me until you read this blog, I'm actually completely fine with that, and thank you for not calling me. [See! Everything works out. :)]

5) I want to hear from my readers! I may not get back to everyone in the most timely manner because, well, that's just how I roll sometimes, but feel free to comment or send me messages. I get messages almost every time I update, and that is so encouraging to me. I love knowing that my voice is being heard and that I'm not alone, so feel free to share with me anything you'd like! I want you to feel heard as well. However, I'm not a therapist, nor have I ever claimed to be, so take everything I say with a grain of whiskey. [Providing awesome advice already! Way to go, A!]

6) I may talk about the things I'm trying here, but most of it is experimental. There are only a few things that I actually believe I could stick to, but really, I'm just here to share. I am not blogging to spread any sort of propaganda. I'm just a lady, talking about her body. That's really it. You don't have to do what I do, but I may encourage you to get yourself in check if you feel you may need to. If I set an example for you, that is wonderful! If I don't, that's wonderful, too! Either way, thank you for reading.

That's all I can really think of at the moment! Many thanks to my aunt for reminding me that I should make this post. I hope it clears up any confusion for those who may be reading this! I heart you all, and I'm excited to make another post in the near future.

<3.

A

Documentaries will kick your ass. Lesson learned.

My roommate encouraged me to start a 60 day juice fast with her - after I watched the documentary "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead." I fought the idea in lots of ways, but then I actually decided to see what her tarot cards said in order to make a decision. I am totally not kidding - I used Gaia Oracle tarot cards to show me the answer, and there it was, pretty much plain as day. The next step was to watch the documentary.

I'm playing the film for the second time as I type this. I strongly believe in repetition as a way of learning, so I will most likely play the film on repeat for the upcoming days, and then some more as we start our fast just as a motivator. 60 days of no chewing is going to be difficult, but I've actually done something like this before.

During the summer of my 6th-7th grade transition, I did a smoothie fast for 40 days, or at least, close to 40 days. I was excited, but nervous, especially about my cheerleading camp that summer. I wondered if I would have enough energy to do everything that was required of me at camp. It turned out that I had more energy than I'd ever had before, and I ended up becoming one of the 2 UCA All-Star Cheerleaders from our squad. Now, I realize this was just cheerleading - as a middle schooler - but this was huge. I was never one to win anything athletic, and I remember being able to do things that week I had never done before... and haven't done since, truth be told. I did jumps like I weighed 75 lbs. I truly surprised myself.

Fast forward to a year and a few months later, I was diagnosed with Insulin Resistance (aka Metabolic Syndrome, Syndrome X, Prediabetes, etc.) after telling my mom I had chin hairs like she did. She didn't believe me until I showed them to her (I would pull them out, so we had to wait for them to grow in again for proof), so we went to the doctor, did some blood work and many, many tests (I've got NO LOVE for glucose tolerance tests!), and the diagnosis was made for both of us. It was saddening, and I remember my doctor telling me that if I continued down the path I was on, I would develop cancer and not be able to bear children. That was a pretty sad truth for a 14-year-old.

I'm 26 now. I exercise often. I eat pretty well whenever I cook at home, which can be sometimes infrequent. I drink a ton of coffee. I don't sleep very much. I feel pretty good most of the time, but there are times where I don't. I'm constantly craving rest and often lacking energy. My weight has gone up, many thanks to my lack of self-control at Christmas (homemade cookies by old Southern ladies were my ultimate weakness), but I'm not concerned about my weight, really. Perhaps, I should be as there is a direct correlation between the number on the scale and my Insulin Resistance, which has led to Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which has led to Hirsutism - the cause of the hair on my chinny chin chin. Ok. So, maybe I am concerned about my weight a bit more since I put it that way.

This documentary started out with a man believing that his body could heal itself. He proved that it can. I believe that it can as well. I believe that my Insulin Resistance, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom, Hirsutism, Chondromalacia Patella, Heel Spurs, and herniated L4/L5 spinal disk will heal themselves. I'll jump start that process on February 13 for 60 days.

I'm excited. :)

Big word, big responsibility

So, I may have commitment issues. I'm sure this comes as no surprise to people who know me. I like to try new things, see how I like them, and then I discover newer things and start the same process over again. Routine is not something I've ever admired. I adore change. I'm Sagittarius, what can I say? Free-spirited. Exploratory. Open minded. Needless to say, commitment is one of the scariest words ever uttered.

It took a while for me to fully commit to and assume the responsibility of my business, but as a natural entrepreneur, it didn't take too much. I have found that I may over-commit to my business, allowing my health and relationships to fall by the way side and ultimately, creating a pretty major imbalance. It's pretty obvious how my commitment issues are affecting my life, namely my health.

And then my roommate and I adopted a puppy- a living, breathing, super adorable puppy named Fitzgerald, who now simultaneously scratches at the door of her kennel and at the door of my once unchained heart. That's a huge commitment, literally barking at my face. It is terrifying. BUT! It's a great thing.

Fitzgerald is a puppy, as you know, and puppies need training. This training process isn't just for her, but it's for me, too. There is a schedule involved. Repetition is an important tool. As she adjusts to what to do, what not to do, when and where to do what, etc., I'm also adjusting to being one of the providers for her new lifestyle of being our puppy. This process is making me see the importance of schedules and routines and the roles they play in a healthy, happy lifestyle for myself. Discipline, discernment, and guidance are 3 things I'm learning to administer and obtain at the same time. We've had her less than a week, but I definitely feel as though I've grown as a human just as she has grown as a puppy. (She's the most adorable thing ever, by the way. Check up on her at her very own tumblr.)

There will be many adventures as I reflect on this creature's co-dependence on my life. I feel like a parent in a way, which I'm sure is still pretty far off from real parenting with real kids. After all, I am still a real person with a real puppy! Stay tuned for some pretty adorable madness.

(I love this dog so, so much, you guys. Seriously.)

After great pain comes great joy.

The past year and some change has brought many waves of emotions along my journey of transformation. I have dealt with all of the serious, underlying issues of my life like past relationships, sexual assault and sexual abuse, the death of a dear friend and soul mate, and hurtful voices of my past. Sitting here today, I feel emancipated from the fear, anger, bitterness, and harm I felt for years like it was slavery of my whole being, not just mind, but my body and my soul as well.

One thing I have been reflecting on lately is the experience of dealing with my near suicide attempt. I realize that some of my readers may need to re-read that statement, especially if they are family, but this is a very real situation in my life that I want to share. I have found that when we open ourselves up, it invokes the same in others, and even just through this blog, I've heard some amazing stories about healing and other stories about how the person is inspired to heal. That is what this blog is all about.

For about 10 years, I had what I called a "wrist phobia." If someone would touch the insides of my wrists, especially the main artery, I would literally freak out. It was uncomfortable. I didn't wear bracelets or anything around my wrists, including sleeves, because it was psychologically painful, and I didn't know why I felt this way until last November when I spoke out about my experience with suicide.

About 10 years ago, I was in a very hard place in my life, like most high school students, trying to figure out who I was, what my role in the world was, and what I meant to others. I was having a very hard time with my peers, my family, and my friends, so I figured I was the one who was the problem, right? It was the common denominator. So, one late night in December, I went into the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and held it at my left wrist. I felt the cold blade against my skin and I froze. I just stared at my situation, partially numb just by the sheer fact of what I was doing while also full of emotion- anger, resentment, fear, depression, pain.

I was focused on all of the negative voices that had invaded my mind and my heart, flooding me with sadness and despair, until images of my family began to overshadow every thought. Conversations with my dad popped up, including a recurring one. "What would you do without me, Dad?!" I would ask. "I don't know, but I hope I never have to find out," he would always retort. My mother's beautiful, gentle, encompassing embrace swept over me. My brothers' faces, laughter, and warmth filled my mind. Aunts, uncles, cousins, and close family friends all seemed to appear in that kitchen, making my body tingle with love and regret at what I was about to do. A resounding "No, Anslee" was all I could hear, think, or feel, so I put the knife down on the counter top and walked away. I cried myself to sleep that night all the while begging for forgiveness and thanking God for the incredible people who have raised me. I thanked God for love - and for Love.

Much like some other traumatic events from my past, I suppressed this experience for about 10 years. It manifested itself in my body as a reminder by my wrist phobia, nagging at me to come to terms with this event in my life, but I did not see the light until almost a year ago. The East Austin Studio Tour (E.A.S.T.) was my moment to share my experience with suicide as a response to the teen bullying suicide epidemic that had been going on the months preceeding E.A.S.T. It was an emotional experience for me to create the art installation that I did, but through that process, I made some really incredible friends in some of my fellow artists part of the show and in some patrons who viewed my journey through art and responded emotionally to their pasts alongside me. E.A.S.T. 2010 was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. After expressing this event through art, my wrist phobia went away almost immediately.

Move to this past Wednesday when I was wrapping my hands for my boxing gloves the first time. Grace said, "You have to make sure you wrap your wrists to protect them, so we wrap that the most." I looked at her, watched her wrapping technique, and gave the world my gratitude that this experience is no longer hindered by my past. I want to wrap my wrists! I want them to be strong and protected and stabilized. I want them to be touched by the black cotton, then layered with the glove elastic, because this represents growth and change and strength, banishing any amount of darkness that may have lingered there. I'm excited to feel this part of my body that had been a psychological distress for me for almost 10 years of my life. Overcoming my past, represented by a mental block, was a joy for me a year ago, but it is a triumph for me today as my life is improving daily and with every boxing practice.

"After great pain comes great joy." This saying is very true, but it is even more true when you delve inside yourself, take where that pain is coming from by the hand, lead that experience and everything it has consumed out of your life, and set it free. This joy is everlasting because this experience is no longer a recurring obstacle along your path. That freedom is completely, absolutely, and wonderfully priceless.

Choosing to live was the hardest decision I've ever had to make, but it was, without a shadow of a doubt, the best decision I have ever made. And that's an understatement. Thank you for reading.

******
If you or anyone you know has thoughts of suicide, please reach out. 1-800-SUICIDE is always available to someone who needs help.

Mama said knock you OUT!

I had my first boxing class this morning! It was so amazing I wanted to cry. Here's how it went down.

For a while, I've been interested in boxing. My great uncle Dick was a boxer when he was younger (Stage name: Fighting Joe Young or something like that), and I've had a huge fascination with this whole idea since I heard that he would box secretly. Aunt Virginia didn't want him to box, but because he is a Connell (Family pride!), he did what he wanted to anyway. Gotta love a man who knows what he wants! So, this image of a boxer in my family has run pretty strong in my mind since I can remember.

Fast forward to this summer when I would watch Biggest Loser episodes on Hulu while I worked/cleaned/whatever. That show is a common theme in my life these days, so just get used to that reference. There were new trainers for season 11 and they started boxing and doing martial arts, capoeira, etc. It was pretty cool to me, so I asked Erin while she was training me if we could box since it was really an exciting idea, but they didn't have the equipment. After Erin and I ended our sessions, I really wanted to investigate this, so I looked online and found Austin Boxing Babes. It was clear to me what I needed to do, so I made plans to start my boxing adventure.

The pops gifted my brothers and myself some "Halloween money" this year (Dad, you rock SO hard!) and I knew exactly where that money was going. I set out to buy my boxing kit of gloves, hand wraps, and a mouth piece, and marched my prissy-looking self into a few stores looking for the best deal. It was pretty noticeable that most of the store attendants were thinking, "Who is this lady in a dress and heels buying boxing gear?" And, of course, I delighted in that moment. So, I got my red gloves, and I think my moment of empowerment was right when I realized that these gloves are going to take me on not only a physical journey, but an emotional journey, and I am more ready than I have ever been in my life for both of these. [Note: This same day, I also purchased a bike foot pump and a u-lock. I'm ready for that, too.]

5:30 am this morning, I woke up with excitement to get down to the boxing studio. I was a little intimidated simply because it looks so - I don't know - real? You don't know what to expect for things like this, I guess, but it was really cool. I got my paperwork filled out and proceeded to follow whatever the sweet instructor Grace told me to do.

Before we began, Grace gave me the low down: We don't wear shoes on the mat. YES! We bow before we get on the mat and before we leave the mat. DOUBLE YES! We do a specific motion before and after every practice. YES YES YES! All of it sounded really fun - and it was.

We started with jumping rope. I couldn't help but laugh the whole time because, to put it plainly, I SUCK at jumping rope. Erin used to laugh with me when we would attempt, so it made me laugh even more that I've been through this already. I didn't give up, though. I just kept laughing and screwing it up, repeating internally, "Patience. You are going to master this, girl!" I was glad when that drill was over.

We went through a few drills, and since I haven't been working out in a few weeks, it took me some time to get into it, but I stayed positive. That little Grace kicked my ass! It was amazing! We did all kinds of weight drills and cardio. It felt really good to sweat like that. Then, it was time to box. Oh yeah, I was ready. And I'm pretty sure I looked like a huge dorkface the whole time because I couldn't stop smiling, but I could care less. It was exciting for me! And I'm excited just talking about it!

Grace sort of taught me how to wrap my hands, which was the most interesting part to me. Before class, while I was filling out paperwork, the other 3 ladies were wrapping their hands. I couldn't help but watch a little bit because it seemed like such a beautiful ritual to me. They took their time in wrapping the black cotton around their wrists, through their fingers, and over their knuckles, as they were preserving their essential limbs and preparing themselves for their class. These women are strong. They each are the warrioress, wrapping their hands so diligently to engage in battle. So empowering! My blood was pumping through my veins faster and faster. I was ready.

Putting on the gloves was a little awkward, but like everything else, I kept it light and just laughed through it. You use your teeth to put on your gloves. That, right there, is another reason why I love it. Don't ask why. (Oral fixation, maybe?) Grace taught me the stance and some techniques and we did rotations. When I got to the punching bag part, I took a moment to be grateful as sweat was pouring from my body, with my heart rate lively. My smile was bigger than before, and I might have started tearing up. You know, just a little bit. It was one of the most amazing feelings, and I am so excited to have this experience, unlimitedly, for the next 3 months.

The hour went by quickly and I met one of my fellow boxing babes before we left. She had been out for 4 months, but one would never know that from her practice. These women are inspirations to me, and I cannot wait to continue this process and see my strength majorly increase, both internally and externally.

Flying Solo... For Now

I am currently trainer-less. I won't go into details here as I respect Erin, her work, and her vision. She is a wonderful trainer, and if you are in need of one, let me know and I will immediately point you in her direction. It just wasn't working out for us, and I think I am in large part to blame.

When you commit to a trainer, you really have to put your entire life in their hands. They look at your food and they work you out. They want the best for you, and that is something I have come to understand the most. Erin worked very hard with me, even at home she would try to figure out ways to help me, and simply put, I'm incapable of putting that much of myself into someone else's hands. Here's what I mean.

I own a small business. I am the designer of savannahred, my company, where I create clothing for women size 12 and up. This is a full time job for me, and I absolutely love it! It wakes me up every single day and my customers have become some of my closest friends. But my business takes almost everything out of me, so it can be very hard to find a balance between my business and my personal life, namely my health, but I make sacrifices whenever I can. The hard truth about what I do is that if I don't make dresses/sales, I can't eat. It is that direct of a relationship. And sometimes, I have to work almost 24 hours straight in order to get some things made in the time they need to be done.

Truth be told, I work harder than the average person. I get that from my father who has had a "work hard, play hard, and then get your ass back to work" attitude all my life. I finally found something that I want to pour my heart and soul into that can truly uplift someone else and perhaps even change her life, but it takes a lot of hard work and long hours. I do not regret this. I am happy to put this much work into what I do and I don't see myself slacking off anytime soon because I am growing a successful business. One day, I will simply be the designer and not the designer+illustrator+patternmaker+cutter+seamster, but it takes time. I am exercising patience with myself and this process, and I am learning a ton.

Unfortunately, this relationship with my business has a tendency to take over my relationship with my health, but I believe I have found a fairly good balance during times where it isn't as stressful. But those days, or small string of days, do come when all I do is work, eat enough to survive, and then hopefully get a few hours of sleep. Until those days are few and far between, I don't think it is fair for me to commit to someone else, even though they are trying to help me. It's the same reason why I don't think I should date this year that I am trying to lose 100 lbs because I really need to focus on myself, my business, and my health and get those things in order before I can throw anything or anyone else in the mix.

So, I'm definitely learning a lot. I've been a bit heartbroken the past few days, but I haven't turned to food to console myself, so that's good. I might have gone a little overboard last night, but when you get a free meal at Haddington's and someone wants to split the prime rib with you [Read: Free prime rib. From Haddington's.], you may enjoy it a little too much. That's a once in a lifetime chance, so I took it and passed on the dessert - all 4 of them that were being passed around right in front of my face. Victory is mine!

I can do this. Erin said that she would be there when I am ready, and you know, I may take her up on that later on. I miss her, truth be told, but I have to do what is best for myself and even her. I know that may not make complete sense, but it does to me. At least, for now it does.

It's going to be hard, but I am in it to win it. Thank you in advance for your encouragement.

Vacation! Part 1

I went on vacation last week, and I think I maintained my weight - maybe even lost a few pounds? Who knows. I'm not keeping up with that aspect quite as much as how I feel. Let me just say, I feel aaaaaaamazinggggg!!!! More on that later as I want to report on some obstacles that I happily overcame this past week away.

Myself and 4 of my friends piled into a Toyota Corolla [Read: Super cramped, y'all.] and made our way over to the beautiful, picturesque mountains of Lake Lure, NC. The drive there took about 21 hours, so we knew ahead of time that because we (well, most of us) are 1) broke and 2) severely watching what we eat that we should pack a few things for the road there. I felt pretty good about my food decisions on the way there. My parents are pretty much the most generous, kind hearted people on the planet, and they provided food for all 5 of us and one more of my friends who joined us there (she's from SC, so her drive was much shorter) along with the rest of my family who was there/going to be there. I'm pretty sure they win some kind of award for being so great but they would never tell us because, well, they are that awesome! Anyway... (I love my family!)

We ventured to Asheville for the day and checked out every shop we felt was fun, which was a lot. After walking around, making some purchases, and listening to a hippie drum circle, I allowed myself to have 1.33 beers (Pitcher sharing! What what!) at the Lexington Avenue Brewery (a "gastropub" my roommate termed it) and I was about 2 seconds away from getting everything on the appetizer menu. And the dessert menu. It just seemed like the natural thing to do, right? To celebrate your vacation in the mountains with your friends so far away from home, especially after making some amazing purchases like a vintage Dior hat (You'll die when you see it. Seriously.) and some really amazing fascinators... But no. Beer was celebration enough.

After getting a little sloshy [Read: Cheap date.], we decided upon a restaurant that was delicious, budget-friendly (hah!), and had little waiting, so we went to Boca. I probably had a little too much of our friend Lindie's calamari, but I didn't order my own, so that was a big step. If you know me, you know I love calamari. I used to get it at every restaurant that had it. (I wonder why I weighed 250...) The first thing I saw on the menu (ahem - apart from the calamari) was the scallop and watermelon salad. Those are 2 of my other most favorite things, and since my mom is allergic to scallops (The food allergies in my family will make you weep.), it was a no brainer. No other thing on the menu compared to that, so that's what I ordered.

Boca is pretty great at presentation, but this salad tasted even better than it looked. I try to stay away from salads in restaurants simply because I can usually make them at home a lot better and less expensive than in the restaurant, but this was worth every penny. The bed of arugula tossed in a lemon-olive oil vinaigrette was a perfect foundation for sprinkles of almond slivers above it, resting just beneath watermelon triangles smeared with sweet, soft goat cheese and slightly charred scallops. I could tell that perhaps there was some raw sugar that had been caramelized on the scallops, not too much to make a huge difference, but nonetheless, I could have done without. Some balsamic vinegar topped it off to exquisite perfection and it felt like home in your mouth. *Pause for a nostalgic, culinary tear* Ugh... So, so good.

Some of our group was really digging the idea of dessert, and the salad was so good that I wanted to top it off, but I knew I had to be strong. Sweet treats were being discussed and my cravings were rising, so I excused myself and walked down to the nearest coffee shop to grab something - anything - that I could at least hold onto. They were closing so I got a drip coffee with cream, but it was almost painful to watch them eat their peaches and cream cheesecake and chocolate torte. I survived, though, and it was time to return to the cabin just an hour down the road.

This day felt like a huge victory for me because I am one who loves to celebrate - and in the worst of ways! I like to celebrate when something major happens, when something semi-major happens, and even when I finally clean the kitchen. My life is all about luxury and celebration, but I'm in a place now where luxury has to come later and celebration has its moments, too. I'm learning what it means to truly reward myself instead of giving into my self-indulgences. It's not easy, but these little things will add up and the reward will be the end result itself.

One thing I keep repeating to myself (especially in these instances) and to others whenever the moments arise is that I love myself more than I love _________ [Insert forbidden food/drink here.]. I love my happiness and my future more than I love __________. Ultimately, whatever _________ is causes an imbalance in my body and usually causes depression in one way or another (read back a few posts if you need more clarification on that), and I love this feeling that I have now - this feeling of empowerment, of strength, of clarity, of focus, of happiness, of self-awareness, of resilience, of Super Woman - more than one bad decision that can take it away. I slip up a little bit, as I am human and I am allowed to err, but in a conscious, healthy-minded decision making process, I want to choose me and my best self over anything else. I'm seeing how this is translating to other areas of my life, so I'm feeling healthier in all aspects of my life these days, and I am really excited for the future and my future successes that are to come.

So, that was my first real day of vacation! I'll share more of the rest of the week soon. <3.