Juice Fast 2012: So, what AM I doing?!

It's Day 13 and I feel amazing. My skin is glowing. My body feels so free and wonderful. My head is clear. My heart is lifted. I feel like I'm in love or something! It's great! I'm lovin' life, livin' the dream like my roommate says. While all of that is true, I'd like to let my readers know what it is that I am actually doing with this juice fasting while clearing up some misconceptions and answering some FAQ's.

What is a juice fast? It's just that: juice! But it's not just any juice. I can't go to the grocery store and pick up a bottle of orange juice and drink a few glasses of it through the day and survive. [File that under: Worst Idea Ever.] The juice concoctions I drink 4 times a day are made up of most vegetables and a few fruits and are made fresh right before I drink them. Sometimes, I'll make juice ahead of time if I know I'll be away from the juicer for an extended period of time, but those are rare occasions.

Why can't I have more fruit juices in my juice recipes? I have a condition known as insulin resistance. In a nutshell, my pancreas produces too much insulin for my body to store safely, so if those levels are elevated by consuming high amounts of sugar (natural and artificial), the insulin floodgate is released open and my body turns the excess hormones into fat. Sugars are dangerous for me in large amounts, so drinking mostly fruit juice is actually defeating the purpose of why I am doing the juice diet in the first place. This is why I will add only a few pieces of fruit to my juice at a time to regulate my blood sugar and keep my body stable.

Is juicing 4 times a day healthy? This is a tricky question to answer as there are varying opinions, but for me and what I am doing, absolutely. My 4 juice concoctions add up to at least 1200 calories, and one needs at least 1200 calories per day for his/her body to stay out of starvation mode. I may not be eating solid foods, but I am definitely not starving myself! Each one of my recipes has all of the micronutrients my body needs each day to live a healthy life.

Do I have enough energy from just consuming plant juice all day? More than enough! It's amazing how much more energy I have now since I've removed all of the bad crap out of my daily diet and just rely on Mother Nature's fresh goodness. I also exercise, so that helps, too!

How much weight have I lost? In 12 days, I've lost about 10 lbs. I'm currently in a plateau, but that isn't surprising to me as this has been my natural rhythm of changing my diet for most of my life.

What is my favorite juice recipe? 2 comice pears + 2 medium fennel bulbs = Heaven in your mouth. I only juice this once a week. It's like my special treat.

What will I do after the juice fast? I will be cooking more at home, limiting my intake of simple carbs, gluten, dairy, and processed sugar. I will be focusing more on lean meats, fish, and lots of fresh veggies with some fresh fruits. I will also continue to exercise daily. Most people are concerned that when this fast is over, I will gain back all of my weight and then some. It's true that most people do that when they go on crash diets. I will not discount that at all. The difference between myself and those people is that they go back to their unhealthy lifestyle they lived before starting something this drastic. I am educated in what I need to do for my body and I had already started implementing those things into my life before this juice fast. I've lost about 15 lbs. total since the middle of January just by getting myself in a healthy mindset towards wellness.

I would love to answer any questions you may have! Just post them in a comment and I'll update the full page! Thank you for reading. :)

Perspective!

Life is so much about perspective. That's something I'm learning about right now. Day 5 of the juice fast is amazingly better than the past 4 days. It keeps getting easier and easier! Hooray-ray! I'm also on Day 24 of going to the gym. Let me just tell you one thing:

I feel amazing.

I really, really do. I'm making the best decisions for myself right now and I couldn't be happier or more proud of myself for everything that I'm doing and everything that I'm NOT doing.

The juice fast has been really hard and it felt like the first few days were dragging by. Visions of steak and turkey meat would linger in my head. Sandwiches of long ago would call out to me, begging for a remembrance taste. I have wanted to eat vegetables off the floor because they looked so damn good! Yesterday, I went to a friend's housewarming party and chili cookoff. It took everything in me to avoid motorboating every pot of chili on their kitchen counter, the brownies, too! Alas, I stayed faithful to my commitment, and I was proud of myself afterward for using some hardcore self-restraint. In that, I also realized that, yes, food is incredibly social, but it doesn't mean I have to partake to be present and active in the conversations. My friends were amazingly gracious with me as everyone understood what I was doing and why I was doing it, so it was a really great occasion all around. Happy housewarming, Bret & Shrie! You have such a beautiful home! And happy victory to me!

Speaking of social, just today at the gym, I made a new friend! I wanted to challenge myself to run 20 minutes at 4.5 speed on the treadmill because I've never gone that fast for that long. I did it, for the most part! I had to back down when I got some cramps around 10 minutes, but I was back up there within the next 4 minutes and I finished strong. It felt great! What felt better, though, was how the sweet lady 2 machines away stopped me as I was cleaning the machine to tell me that my workout motivated her to work harder. It really goes to show that you never know who is watching and how you can make a positive impact on their life! We are gonna have gym lady dates in the future, which I've had lately with some great friends of mine. Shout out to Gina, Liz, and Sunny for being great gym dates this past week!

So, what does this have to do with perspective? Everything! I decided to challenge myself with a 60 day juice fast and to work out every single day because those are things I've never done before, nor have I had any positive feelings about doing those things. They are working for me now because all I had to do was change my perspective, commit to it, and see the positive results. I've made some other changes in my life that deal with perspective as well, and I've already seen some great outcomes from just giving things a chance, mainly just giving myself a chance.

Happy Sunday! <3.

Disclaimers!

Ok, guys. I'm going to hash a few things out right now. *best cheerleader voice* Ready?! Ok!

1) This blog is about brutal honesty. It is the place where I come to let people know about my health topics and concerns. It is the place where I try things out and let people know how I felt about them, how I connected with them, and what I learned, etc. This especially includes what I learn about myself. Whatever comes to my mind, I will share. I reserve that right. I also reserve the right to censor myself, but I will not censor myself at the will of someone else.

2) This blog does not have anything to do with my business. Yes, I may talk about my business because, occasionally, I do allow myself to have an unhealthy relationship with it at times (Hi! I'm an entrepeneur!), but this blog is not to be connected with my business as a whole. It is a separate entity, and I trust you will view it as such.

3) Even if I talk about health concerns regarding my body, including losing weight, my view of beauty and my personal body image does not conform to a societal standpoint. What I'm really trying to say is that I believe all people are beautiful - it doesn't matter how big or small or tall or short or what color any person may be, I believe that all people are beautiful in their own special, unique, individual ways. My standard of beauty will always be this. That said, I will always believe that I am beautiful, at any size, now and forever, no matter what.

4) If you'd like to date me, that's great. This may not be the best place to get to know me, unless you really would like to know the weird depths of my heart without me telling you first. I know I'm great and awesome and all that and a bag of (kale) chips, but stop stalking me and start calling me if you're into me. On the flipside, if you thought you were into me until you read this blog, I'm actually completely fine with that, and thank you for not calling me. [See! Everything works out. :)]

5) I want to hear from my readers! I may not get back to everyone in the most timely manner because, well, that's just how I roll sometimes, but feel free to comment or send me messages. I get messages almost every time I update, and that is so encouraging to me. I love knowing that my voice is being heard and that I'm not alone, so feel free to share with me anything you'd like! I want you to feel heard as well. However, I'm not a therapist, nor have I ever claimed to be, so take everything I say with a grain of whiskey. [Providing awesome advice already! Way to go, A!]

6) I may talk about the things I'm trying here, but most of it is experimental. There are only a few things that I actually believe I could stick to, but really, I'm just here to share. I am not blogging to spread any sort of propaganda. I'm just a lady, talking about her body. That's really it. You don't have to do what I do, but I may encourage you to get yourself in check if you feel you may need to. If I set an example for you, that is wonderful! If I don't, that's wonderful, too! Either way, thank you for reading.

That's all I can really think of at the moment! Many thanks to my aunt for reminding me that I should make this post. I hope it clears up any confusion for those who may be reading this! I heart you all, and I'm excited to make another post in the near future.

<3.

A

Documentaries will kick your ass. Lesson learned.

My roommate encouraged me to start a 60 day juice fast with her - after I watched the documentary "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead." I fought the idea in lots of ways, but then I actually decided to see what her tarot cards said in order to make a decision. I am totally not kidding - I used Gaia Oracle tarot cards to show me the answer, and there it was, pretty much plain as day. The next step was to watch the documentary.

I'm playing the film for the second time as I type this. I strongly believe in repetition as a way of learning, so I will most likely play the film on repeat for the upcoming days, and then some more as we start our fast just as a motivator. 60 days of no chewing is going to be difficult, but I've actually done something like this before.

During the summer of my 6th-7th grade transition, I did a smoothie fast for 40 days, or at least, close to 40 days. I was excited, but nervous, especially about my cheerleading camp that summer. I wondered if I would have enough energy to do everything that was required of me at camp. It turned out that I had more energy than I'd ever had before, and I ended up becoming one of the 2 UCA All-Star Cheerleaders from our squad. Now, I realize this was just cheerleading - as a middle schooler - but this was huge. I was never one to win anything athletic, and I remember being able to do things that week I had never done before... and haven't done since, truth be told. I did jumps like I weighed 75 lbs. I truly surprised myself.

Fast forward to a year and a few months later, I was diagnosed with Insulin Resistance (aka Metabolic Syndrome, Syndrome X, Prediabetes, etc.) after telling my mom I had chin hairs like she did. She didn't believe me until I showed them to her (I would pull them out, so we had to wait for them to grow in again for proof), so we went to the doctor, did some blood work and many, many tests (I've got NO LOVE for glucose tolerance tests!), and the diagnosis was made for both of us. It was saddening, and I remember my doctor telling me that if I continued down the path I was on, I would develop cancer and not be able to bear children. That was a pretty sad truth for a 14-year-old.

I'm 26 now. I exercise often. I eat pretty well whenever I cook at home, which can be sometimes infrequent. I drink a ton of coffee. I don't sleep very much. I feel pretty good most of the time, but there are times where I don't. I'm constantly craving rest and often lacking energy. My weight has gone up, many thanks to my lack of self-control at Christmas (homemade cookies by old Southern ladies were my ultimate weakness), but I'm not concerned about my weight, really. Perhaps, I should be as there is a direct correlation between the number on the scale and my Insulin Resistance, which has led to Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which has led to Hirsutism - the cause of the hair on my chinny chin chin. Ok. So, maybe I am concerned about my weight a bit more since I put it that way.

This documentary started out with a man believing that his body could heal itself. He proved that it can. I believe that it can as well. I believe that my Insulin Resistance, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom, Hirsutism, Chondromalacia Patella, Heel Spurs, and herniated L4/L5 spinal disk will heal themselves. I'll jump start that process on February 13 for 60 days.

I'm excited. :)

Big word, big responsibility

So, I may have commitment issues. I'm sure this comes as no surprise to people who know me. I like to try new things, see how I like them, and then I discover newer things and start the same process over again. Routine is not something I've ever admired. I adore change. I'm Sagittarius, what can I say? Free-spirited. Exploratory. Open minded. Needless to say, commitment is one of the scariest words ever uttered.

It took a while for me to fully commit to and assume the responsibility of my business, but as a natural entrepreneur, it didn't take too much. I have found that I may over-commit to my business, allowing my health and relationships to fall by the way side and ultimately, creating a pretty major imbalance. It's pretty obvious how my commitment issues are affecting my life, namely my health.

And then my roommate and I adopted a puppy- a living, breathing, super adorable puppy named Fitzgerald, who now simultaneously scratches at the door of her kennel and at the door of my once unchained heart. That's a huge commitment, literally barking at my face. It is terrifying. BUT! It's a great thing.

Fitzgerald is a puppy, as you know, and puppies need training. This training process isn't just for her, but it's for me, too. There is a schedule involved. Repetition is an important tool. As she adjusts to what to do, what not to do, when and where to do what, etc., I'm also adjusting to being one of the providers for her new lifestyle of being our puppy. This process is making me see the importance of schedules and routines and the roles they play in a healthy, happy lifestyle for myself. Discipline, discernment, and guidance are 3 things I'm learning to administer and obtain at the same time. We've had her less than a week, but I definitely feel as though I've grown as a human just as she has grown as a puppy. (She's the most adorable thing ever, by the way. Check up on her at her very own tumblr.)

There will be many adventures as I reflect on this creature's co-dependence on my life. I feel like a parent in a way, which I'm sure is still pretty far off from real parenting with real kids. After all, I am still a real person with a real puppy! Stay tuned for some pretty adorable madness.

(I love this dog so, so much, you guys. Seriously.)

After great pain comes great joy.

The past year and some change has brought many waves of emotions along my journey of transformation. I have dealt with all of the serious, underlying issues of my life like past relationships, sexual assault and sexual abuse, the death of a dear friend and soul mate, and hurtful voices of my past. Sitting here today, I feel emancipated from the fear, anger, bitterness, and harm I felt for years like it was slavery of my whole being, not just mind, but my body and my soul as well.

One thing I have been reflecting on lately is the experience of dealing with my near suicide attempt. I realize that some of my readers may need to re-read that statement, especially if they are family, but this is a very real situation in my life that I want to share. I have found that when we open ourselves up, it invokes the same in others, and even just through this blog, I've heard some amazing stories about healing and other stories about how the person is inspired to heal. That is what this blog is all about.

For about 10 years, I had what I called a "wrist phobia." If someone would touch the insides of my wrists, especially the main artery, I would literally freak out. It was uncomfortable. I didn't wear bracelets or anything around my wrists, including sleeves, because it was psychologically painful, and I didn't know why I felt this way until last November when I spoke out about my experience with suicide.

About 10 years ago, I was in a very hard place in my life, like most high school students, trying to figure out who I was, what my role in the world was, and what I meant to others. I was having a very hard time with my peers, my family, and my friends, so I figured I was the one who was the problem, right? It was the common denominator. So, one late night in December, I went into the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and held it at my left wrist. I felt the cold blade against my skin and I froze. I just stared at my situation, partially numb just by the sheer fact of what I was doing while also full of emotion- anger, resentment, fear, depression, pain.

I was focused on all of the negative voices that had invaded my mind and my heart, flooding me with sadness and despair, until images of my family began to overshadow every thought. Conversations with my dad popped up, including a recurring one. "What would you do without me, Dad?!" I would ask. "I don't know, but I hope I never have to find out," he would always retort. My mother's beautiful, gentle, encompassing embrace swept over me. My brothers' faces, laughter, and warmth filled my mind. Aunts, uncles, cousins, and close family friends all seemed to appear in that kitchen, making my body tingle with love and regret at what I was about to do. A resounding "No, Anslee" was all I could hear, think, or feel, so I put the knife down on the counter top and walked away. I cried myself to sleep that night all the while begging for forgiveness and thanking God for the incredible people who have raised me. I thanked God for love - and for Love.

Much like some other traumatic events from my past, I suppressed this experience for about 10 years. It manifested itself in my body as a reminder by my wrist phobia, nagging at me to come to terms with this event in my life, but I did not see the light until almost a year ago. The East Austin Studio Tour (E.A.S.T.) was my moment to share my experience with suicide as a response to the teen bullying suicide epidemic that had been going on the months preceeding E.A.S.T. It was an emotional experience for me to create the art installation that I did, but through that process, I made some really incredible friends in some of my fellow artists part of the show and in some patrons who viewed my journey through art and responded emotionally to their pasts alongside me. E.A.S.T. 2010 was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. After expressing this event through art, my wrist phobia went away almost immediately.

Move to this past Wednesday when I was wrapping my hands for my boxing gloves the first time. Grace said, "You have to make sure you wrap your wrists to protect them, so we wrap that the most." I looked at her, watched her wrapping technique, and gave the world my gratitude that this experience is no longer hindered by my past. I want to wrap my wrists! I want them to be strong and protected and stabilized. I want them to be touched by the black cotton, then layered with the glove elastic, because this represents growth and change and strength, banishing any amount of darkness that may have lingered there. I'm excited to feel this part of my body that had been a psychological distress for me for almost 10 years of my life. Overcoming my past, represented by a mental block, was a joy for me a year ago, but it is a triumph for me today as my life is improving daily and with every boxing practice.

"After great pain comes great joy." This saying is very true, but it is even more true when you delve inside yourself, take where that pain is coming from by the hand, lead that experience and everything it has consumed out of your life, and set it free. This joy is everlasting because this experience is no longer a recurring obstacle along your path. That freedom is completely, absolutely, and wonderfully priceless.

Choosing to live was the hardest decision I've ever had to make, but it was, without a shadow of a doubt, the best decision I have ever made. And that's an understatement. Thank you for reading.

******
If you or anyone you know has thoughts of suicide, please reach out. 1-800-SUICIDE is always available to someone who needs help.

Mama said knock you OUT!

I had my first boxing class this morning! It was so amazing I wanted to cry. Here's how it went down.

For a while, I've been interested in boxing. My great uncle Dick was a boxer when he was younger (Stage name: Fighting Joe Young or something like that), and I've had a huge fascination with this whole idea since I heard that he would box secretly. Aunt Virginia didn't want him to box, but because he is a Connell (Family pride!), he did what he wanted to anyway. Gotta love a man who knows what he wants! So, this image of a boxer in my family has run pretty strong in my mind since I can remember.

Fast forward to this summer when I would watch Biggest Loser episodes on Hulu while I worked/cleaned/whatever. That show is a common theme in my life these days, so just get used to that reference. There were new trainers for season 11 and they started boxing and doing martial arts, capoeira, etc. It was pretty cool to me, so I asked Erin while she was training me if we could box since it was really an exciting idea, but they didn't have the equipment. After Erin and I ended our sessions, I really wanted to investigate this, so I looked online and found Austin Boxing Babes. It was clear to me what I needed to do, so I made plans to start my boxing adventure.

The pops gifted my brothers and myself some "Halloween money" this year (Dad, you rock SO hard!) and I knew exactly where that money was going. I set out to buy my boxing kit of gloves, hand wraps, and a mouth piece, and marched my prissy-looking self into a few stores looking for the best deal. It was pretty noticeable that most of the store attendants were thinking, "Who is this lady in a dress and heels buying boxing gear?" And, of course, I delighted in that moment. So, I got my red gloves, and I think my moment of empowerment was right when I realized that these gloves are going to take me on not only a physical journey, but an emotional journey, and I am more ready than I have ever been in my life for both of these. [Note: This same day, I also purchased a bike foot pump and a u-lock. I'm ready for that, too.]

5:30 am this morning, I woke up with excitement to get down to the boxing studio. I was a little intimidated simply because it looks so - I don't know - real? You don't know what to expect for things like this, I guess, but it was really cool. I got my paperwork filled out and proceeded to follow whatever the sweet instructor Grace told me to do.

Before we began, Grace gave me the low down: We don't wear shoes on the mat. YES! We bow before we get on the mat and before we leave the mat. DOUBLE YES! We do a specific motion before and after every practice. YES YES YES! All of it sounded really fun - and it was.

We started with jumping rope. I couldn't help but laugh the whole time because, to put it plainly, I SUCK at jumping rope. Erin used to laugh with me when we would attempt, so it made me laugh even more that I've been through this already. I didn't give up, though. I just kept laughing and screwing it up, repeating internally, "Patience. You are going to master this, girl!" I was glad when that drill was over.

We went through a few drills, and since I haven't been working out in a few weeks, it took me some time to get into it, but I stayed positive. That little Grace kicked my ass! It was amazing! We did all kinds of weight drills and cardio. It felt really good to sweat like that. Then, it was time to box. Oh yeah, I was ready. And I'm pretty sure I looked like a huge dorkface the whole time because I couldn't stop smiling, but I could care less. It was exciting for me! And I'm excited just talking about it!

Grace sort of taught me how to wrap my hands, which was the most interesting part to me. Before class, while I was filling out paperwork, the other 3 ladies were wrapping their hands. I couldn't help but watch a little bit because it seemed like such a beautiful ritual to me. They took their time in wrapping the black cotton around their wrists, through their fingers, and over their knuckles, as they were preserving their essential limbs and preparing themselves for their class. These women are strong. They each are the warrioress, wrapping their hands so diligently to engage in battle. So empowering! My blood was pumping through my veins faster and faster. I was ready.

Putting on the gloves was a little awkward, but like everything else, I kept it light and just laughed through it. You use your teeth to put on your gloves. That, right there, is another reason why I love it. Don't ask why. (Oral fixation, maybe?) Grace taught me the stance and some techniques and we did rotations. When I got to the punching bag part, I took a moment to be grateful as sweat was pouring from my body, with my heart rate lively. My smile was bigger than before, and I might have started tearing up. You know, just a little bit. It was one of the most amazing feelings, and I am so excited to have this experience, unlimitedly, for the next 3 months.

The hour went by quickly and I met one of my fellow boxing babes before we left. She had been out for 4 months, but one would never know that from her practice. These women are inspirations to me, and I cannot wait to continue this process and see my strength majorly increase, both internally and externally.